| #1 ANonymous[137295] |
| dialup-64.152.169.157.Dial1.NewYork1.Level3.net |
| first chapter isn't that great but did u like battle? |
| #2 Flameingeveryone[137296] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| it was acturly a good read. |
| #3 Anonymous[137297] |
| dialup-64.152.169.157.Dial1.NewYork1.Level3.net |
| cool. lemme know if u want me to continue the series. |
| #4 PoachedEggs[137299] |
| CPE0010b5079e12-CM014320107014.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
Anonymous, no, for the sake of mankind, do not continue the series.
Noone wants to read another story about a little boy on his quest to experience incest, homosexuality and grandma's yeast infection. I imagine this piece of trash was based on your life or something.
You sir, are a sick fuck. -.-V |
| #5 2Cautious[137300] |
| adsl-68-72-81-134.dsl.chcgil.ameritech.net |
Herm, well. Pretty good, but a little boring to say "Brian did this. Brian did that." Also, when you say "it took no less than 68 minutes to..." it kinda takes us/me out of the story. DON'T use actual numbers. Otherwise, pretty good.
7 |
| #6 PoachedEggs[137301] |
| CPE0010b5079e12-CM014320107014.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
"It took no less then 42 minutes for Brian to do what he always wanted. Brian did the the deed with the kidnapped 7 year old child he collected the day before." -- ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THE FANFIC
What the fuck kind of review was that? Why aren't you commenting on the pedophilla and all the other illegal activites that can be found in that digusting piece of literature.
|
| #7 Anonymous[137302] |
| dialup-209.246.98.194.Dial1.NewYork1.Level3.net |
o_O
i wonder who gave me that rating |
| #8 Anonymous[137303] |
| dialup-209.246.98.194.Dial1.NewYork1.Level3.net |
poachedeggs do you only know how to critisize people? I
didn't see you post anything. |
| #9 PoachedEggs[137304] |
| CPE0010b5079e12-CM014320107014.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
Then you should learn how to read.
And then learn how to wrtie in a somewhat interesting fashion before submitting to this well respected internet site again. It is losing enough fan base without your help. |
| #10 SiG.[137306] |
| adsl-158-103-229.mia.bellsouth.net |
You write in almost the same fashion as my friend. You have a good imagination, but your vocabulary sucks, and you use the wrong words often.
Use spellcheck, that will fix a lot of your errors...
Post the next part, I'm somewhat interested. |
| #11 Convider[137307] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3663172.sympatico.ca |
| Good thing he's anonymous, i'd hate to criticize anyone who wrote this kinda stuff |
| #12 Andris[137310] |
| cache-ntc-ad01.proxy.aol.com |
well that was allright, i'm guessing you're a 5th or 6th grader by the writing....
If not please retake freshmen english because you're obviously incapable of acheiving the most elementary of story elements. (dont switch from 3rd person to 1st person then back to 3rd person) unless you actually know how to, which you dont, and you shouldn't know because it is a useless tool.
"brian took the picture"
"the cheif looked at me"
"brian looked back"
wtf is that??
-spell check
-retake you're latest english class
-break you're fingers so we cannot be cursed again with this nuisance of "literary work"
-get a life, seriously, lurkerburger? i mean do you like think of lurkers when ur eatin burgers?? wtf
-third use common sense
-omg too many mistakes you're just a dumbfuck go die |
| #13 Andris[137311] |
| cache-ntc-ad01.proxy.aol.com |
-Use common sense
not -third use common sense
typo my bad,
oh yeah go die. |
| #14 Anonymous[137312] |
| dialup-209.246.88.111.Dial1.NewYork1.Level3.net |
| -_- fanfic never get fuxing good comments |
| #15 [137313] |
| mnet-baca244-13-199.monarch.net |
hmmm, okay.
ignore the immature flames |
| #16 Anonymous[137314] |
| dialup-209.246.88.111.Dial1.NewYork1.Level3.net |
| u respark my hope! chapter 3+4 coming. |
| #17 LameJoker[137321] |
| pool-129-44-15-186.alb.east.verizon.net |
Ok job, but writing was very clunky in a lot of places, an example being = "All the new recruits couldn't sleep, so they didn't."
LOL Bengalaas Ribs.
|
| #18 Anonymous[137323] |
| dialup-209.244.182.219.Dial1.NewYork2.Level3.net |
| yea bengalaas ribs :) |
| #19 Stalker[137346] |
| user-38ldvvm.dialup.mindspring.com |
k, few things
1- remember your audience isnt retarded. Therefore, you don't have to speak in short, concise sentences, and explain the analogies you make.
2- use thesaurus.
3- try to engage the reader with the intorduction, not bore them. For example, give the reader a reason to care about why he's leaving his family behind. Blurting out feelings makes for awkward transitions.
|
| #20 jimmy[137504] |
| prx3.act.schools.net.au |
I agree with most of the comments above. I'm going to read the rest later.
Not bad, 6.5
-NJ |
Home
Forum
Starcraft Tournaments
