#1  [154446] |
| ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net |
| ok dudes, a couple days late but oh well, sunday will have the start of the new chapters with chapter four |
| #2 Sabotage[154447] |
| ool-44c25deb.dyn.optonline.net |
| teh f1rst non author!!! ih4x |
| #3 Sabotage[154448] |
| ool-44c25deb.dyn.optonline.net |
| Sorry man, i cant stand fanfics lol |
| #4 Desert Demon[154449] |
| user-0ce2krl.cable.mindspring.com |
| Rockin'. Keep em coming :D |
| #5 pap_newb[154450] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3946778.sympatico.ca |
| SPAM |
| #6 [154452] |
| ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net |
| oh, how silly of me, this is chapters 2 and 3 |
| #7 UraniumAnchor[154453] |
| inge068047.halls.colostate.edu |
| Nobbad. I'm always kinda ambivalent about these not-BRs, but anything well written is fine with me. :D |
| #8 striz[154454] |
| CPE000f66dce08e-CM013050003852.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
| oooh 8... |
| #9 striz[154455] |
| CPE000f66dce08e-CM013050003852.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
re. #6: ahhh, that would be why I had no clue as to what was going on. still, well written and entertaining. though if I had to give one critique, it would be to watch your narrative: be careful not to switch between protagonists (for lack of a better word). First person limited doesn't really allow for the description of thoughts or inner monologues of anyone other than the main character.
I enjoyed this, 7 |
| #10 [154457] |
| ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net |
i switch protagonists often, very often
it hurts the flow of the story, yes, but i think given proper time and editing i can make it work...we'll just have to see |
| #11 Convider[154462] |
| HSE-Ottawa-ppp323715.sympatico.ca |
All your chapters have been enjoyable
7.5 |
| #12 wakiki[154487] |
| cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com |
I will continue to comment on what I like and don't like.
--“ But soon his terrible grief overcame his anger, and the fire inside his soul died down, leaving him weak and hollow. He slumped to the ground, still in his brothers arms, unable to hold his own body up.”
Hrm. To me, it doesn’t seem like grief has had enough time to take place. Perhaps reason would overcome the anger....Also, did the chief not have any sort of guard when seeing the stranger?
The paragraph about the blankets of sorrow and the hope in the stars was...very eloquent and well written. I was able to completely empathise with the main character.
I also find the switches between the characters thoughts to be a little bit awkward....I think it's because you sometimes do it in the middle of a paragraph. Maybe you should try seperating their thoughts and putting them into different paragraphs.
Overall, these are very good, and I enjoy reading them :)
|
| #13 0932a;sdlfjkl;[154523] |
| CPE00508d5bb46b-CM00e06f16610c.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com |
| god i pity high school english teachers |
| #14 wakiki[154531] |
| cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com |
Okay, actually, I've re-read the paragraph about the "blankets of sorrow" and "stars of hope" a few times. Something was bothering me about it...And I finally figured it out. It's pretty cliché. I mean, just the nouns you used in relation to the emtions(blankets to sorrow, stars to hope) are both very overused. You need to come up with something different.
That isn't to say that the structure of it wasn't good...it was. Just the words were cliché. : |
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