These BRs are rather old but a while ago in the channel stratforumregs on Vanilla Starcraft we used to have a daily tournament. On this day I observed 3 BRs and like the lazy bastard I am I never reported on them. Seeing as how today I am feeling rather perky I thought I would waste all your time by reporting them.

Do not complain about their lameness since that was my overall objective here and your comments will be ignored and/or not ignored but rather flamed. Which is a contradiction but that's the way I swing. Don't forget to rollover the alt tags so I didn't completely waste my time making up gay jokes for the pictures. Hey Maw! Lookey at the purty pictures!

The first game featured Emkay vs +:Kabal:+ in a 1v1 on Dire Straits. The map was chosen by the players and so without further ado I bring you the report as well as the crappy pictures.

The game started with Emkay as Zerg and +:Kabal:+ as random Protoss. Emkay started in the top right location and Kabal started in the top left location. Emkay sent his overlord scouting left right away which proved to be the correct guess as to the location of the most loathed gaytoss. Then again, gaytoss are only gay in Brood Wars and this is Vanilla so let's be kind and call them lametoss instead.

Kabal started with 9 probes followed by a pylon and an assimilator while Emkay did much the same with 9 drones followed by an overlord and an extractor. By the time Emkay found Kabal, the protoss was building his first gateway. Emkay built a spawning pool on 10 while Kabal warped in a second pylon. Emkay reached 12 drones and then built a second hatchery, while Kabal went cycore on 13. So far not much was interesting apart from the fact that my fellow observor Ina'al-Abook found it necessary to comment on every single coccurance of the game making my taking screenshots very difficult. Not only that but you can see that he lagged like a whore on christmas.

At this juncture Kabal cleverly takes all responsibility off of himself by revealing that he no longer rocks at island maps and that he expects to lose. Yeah, good one Kab.

Kabal continues his build with a robotics facility and another pylon which seems to indicate a reaver drop. His next building is a citidel of Adun which proves he is teching to templars. During this time Emkay has laired and is building a spire. Perhaps it is useful to note that neither player has a single offensive unit, not even to entertain the lonely observors.

The templar archives comes online just as the zerg spire finishes and finally somebody builds something to kill someone with. Here is a look at the layout of the players bases:

As you can see, Ina'al ruined the screenshot with his thoughts on the protoss strategy. He further indicates that this strategy will not work despite the fact that Kabal is currently doing a popular late opening zealot drop. The shuttle heads for the top of Emkays crystals and then descends into a heap of drones.
The result is the loss of zero drones as the zealots go straight for the mean sunken colonies and get fried by the newly formed mutalisks.

Emkay then sends all of his mutalisks to return fire on the protoss base which Ina'al refers to as

Emkay attacks on the probe line which has a mere archon protecting it. Surprisingly little damage occurs and the mutalisks are chased away by the nasty archon.
A token shield battery is placed next to the archon to discourage further attacks of this kind. I have no idea what Ina'al is talking about here

Emkay catches a shuttle heading in a rather direct path for his base and quickly decides to change the pilots mind. The probe jumps out of the shuttle and runs for cover, building a pylon on the island hoping that will be enough firepower to stop the mutalisks. Sadly it is not and the probe and the pylon are ended.

Emkay uses scourge to scout for expansions while both players setup bases for the upcoming struggle. Pictured here is the current minimap of the situation which I always love to keep tabs on when I am personally reading a battle report.

Meanwhile for us, the observors, we can easily see that Emkays strategy has changed to a nasty zergling drop. Perhaps this is what tipped us off:

Meanwhile our friendly neighborhood lametoss has secured his expansion with a hefty amount of what I call pseudo-gateways. As in, the money could have been spent on 3 gateways to produce troops but instead has become immobile guardian bait.

Emkay expands to the island below his main and continues to stockpile zerglings, loading them into the anal cavities of the overlords at random. As always, Ina'al gives me his honest opinion of why zerg has not attacked.

Moments after these words of wisdom, Emkay moves out his overlords and drops them on the east corner of the Kabals island. Kabal is unaware of the situation due to his imbeccable strategy of not scouting. If this sarcasm gets too bitter for your taste simply use the sarcasm translator version 1.2 available at tucows.

Emkay decides to do a two-pronged attack by rushing his zerglings into Kabals main while mutalisk attacking the expansion. The result is that the mutalisks are made into a delectable soup known on Aiur as Mu'Gash. While the archon mixes up the ingredients there is much carnage on the homefront.

Just when things look darkest for protoss, we find that Emkay remembered that psistorm is lametosses most lame weapon, if not completely gay. He uses this weapon to it's fullest effect to rid himself of the infestion. If I had any talent at all I would include words which said something like... "STORM!". But I'm not, so go to hell.

Naturally Ina'al gives us his expert opinion of what went wrong there.

He continues to transport a large number of zerglings over until he is satisfied that he has enough. Unfortunately for Bob the zergling he gets left behind by an overlord. You can almost see his tears as the overlord leaves the base without him.

Back to my point about guardian-bait, Emkay sends some token guardians to take out the bottom expansion as he attacks the main again with his zerglings.

This time the battle is too much for Kabal, who seemed to find his strategy of doing nothing all game to be backfiring. The result was the loss of his main base.

With the mutual exchange of pretend respect (just kidding), the game was ended. Here are the final scores. I had to cut down on the number of pictures simply because of Ina'al's inaneness. Nevertheless he was amusing to a degree. Caution: Observe with him at your own risk.

The second game featured another game in round one which I was at first happy to report on. It promised to be an exciting match with two players known for their prowess in vanilla Starcraft.

Unfortunately the players decided to suck bad. So again without delay I bring you my second useless BR to enjoy and love. The game featured Bleh... who went as random and got Terran against Cocky~Viking who chose Zerg. The map was once again Dire Straits. I observed with Dark Prince in this game, and he was considerably quieter, but the players made up for the lack of chatter themselves.

Cocky started in the top right location of the map as yellow zerg and Bleh was the star of a green Terran colony on the top left. Wow, the differences in the games are already apparent! Cocky and Bleh start their little slaves mining and gives us his personal thoughts about life.

Cocky goes 9 drones, extractor, overlord, while Bleh goes 8 SCVs, depot, refinery. Cocky then gets a spawning pool after his overlord, while Bleh mirrors this with a barracks. During this time Cocky decides to tell us about his incestuous relationship with his family.

Meanwhile Bleh has constructed a second barrcks just as Cocky starts his Lair and his second hatchery. For you purists this was on supply 12. A wandering overlord gets too close to Bleh's island and he is joyfully popped by the rednecks.

As Cocky is yammering on and on about somebodys mom or something, Bleh is busy getting down the components of tech which make Terran a happy happy joy joy race. His Factory and Academy are built while marines gather for an upcoming part-ay. I'm just glad he didn't say "hella funny" which would have caused me to unleash my Canadian wrath and hatred for gay sloganisms.

As soon as Cocky's spire is completed he starts 4 eggs which I assume are the creamery Mutalisks we all know and love. But instead they are shockingly scourge, and they proceed immediately to the terran base. Considering that Cocky did not know the race of his opponent it seemed a relatively good idea.

As the scourge watched the island to make sure nothing was leaving, and getting great recon, Bleh constructed a Starport. Cocky wisely kept his sissy scourge away from the gattling guns of the sex starved marines. Unfortunately this was vanilla starcraft so no medics for them. They would have to wait for the lesbo shuttle pilot before they could start flirting.

Ok! Back to reality. Or some semblence of that. Just to be cool, Cocky made a third hatchery and some mutalisks. I was not quite sure what he was up to yet but then again I was enjoying the little oft display of patrolling scourge. This tactic worked as they spotted an evacuating dropship and sped towards it with suicidal vigour. The tank was hastily dropped from the ship as the scourge exploded into the side leaving the tank driver with a story to tell not only his friends but his grandkids.

Cocky did not seem to like to see his depressed scourge take their life for the swarm and he made his opinion known. Meanwhile Bleh was constructing an expansion CC. He took his first wraith and went overlord hunting. Soon enough he found the bag 'o "insert-funny-name-here" and starting blasting away on it. Mutys chased his wraith away and without cloak he was unable to take potshots on his way out.

Back at base Cocky had a mix of mutas, zerglings and hydras. Just what was he planning? Only time, and a good cliche, would tell.

Cocky was the first to expand, below his main, while hovering 8 scourge above the "natural" for Bleh. A wraith went out to inspect the site of his commanders new expansion and was dismayed to find a number of scourge. Here he is seen fleeing like a coward for the second time today. He wasn't the sharpest stick in the pile but he will be missed.

Despite the fact that scourge were hovering everywhere, Bleh decided to land his overlord on the island anyway. In a move of great AI stupidity they all suicided themselves on the large structure, causing minimal damage.

At this juncture we see on the minimap that Cocky has a fully functioning expansion, complete with extractor and Barbie accessories.

Meanwhile Bleh has transported his troops over to his expansion to protect it while he builds some defense there. And as Cocky wonders what became of that expansion by using a slow scouting overlord, the marines stationed there rip the overlord a new smiley face.

Cocky tried to expand to the left middle island and received some much needed reality check by a group of Bleh's patrolling wraiths. The mutalisks die fast and are reinforced by a group of hydras. Eventually the threat is quelled and this important expansion is allowed to live. For now...

Accompanied by two wraiths, Bleh launches a drop offensive with two dropships brimming with joy. Using intelligence he drives them along the top of the map and then brings them down to the desired drop island, that being the main of Cocky. Now I have a question for you. Who wins between 12 marines and 2 wraiths versus 12 zerglings and 1 hydra? If you answered the zerg forces then you are a moron, sit down. If you answered Terran then you win a gold star and a lollipop.

Bleh begins to raze Cocky's main much to the whining and chagrin of Cocky. Although Cocky is able to kill all of the marines with reinforcements, Bleh uses his wraiths to methodically eliminate every drone in the base. Just when Cocky thought it was safe Bleh dropped two more ships on the island intending to finish the job. And finish the job they did.

So it's game over right? I mean, all Bleh has to do is mop up right? But no, that's not the case. For some reason Bleh is content with his slow and plodding tactics of building up troops and looking for strategic drops.

Cocky says at this point that Bleh must suck since he is taking such a long time to exterminate him. Bleh replies with this:

After it's destruction, Cocky quickly builds another spawning pool, as well as a Queen's Nest and expands to th right bottom middle island. Ah hell, lemme just show you a minimap picture to help things along.

Bleh has meanwhile expanded to the bottom left start location, while scouting the map for expansions with a wraith. Finding the new expanion, he drops a payload of marines to take it out. Mutas arrive on the scene to eliminate the marines before the expansion is dead and further comments on Bleh's inadequacies as a Starcraft player since he cannot accomplish the simple task of finishing him off.

Bleh replies to Cocky with this while he builds a victory fleet of BC's. Cocky continues to whine that Bleh is pathetic for not finishing him off yet, and Bleh asks him if he is leaving. Cocky replies with a very humble .

Cocky tries attacking Bleh's natural expansion with a fleet of mutalisks but finds the gauss fire from the bunkers to be too much so he morphs them into guardians.

Cocky forgets that guardians do not fare well against BCs and soon after killing the guardians, Bleh moves in Cocky's new main base and destroys it with a handful of BCs. Cocky tries to stop this slaughter with scourge but to no avail.

It was true that Bleh seemed to be slow destroying the remainder of Cockys forces, but it was almost like an arrogant victory crawl as evidenced by this picture, which apparently amused me more then than it does now. You should have seen that little peon d-matrixed and invulnerable to shots from the wraiths. It was quite hilarious.

The merciful final score:

Now, true to my form of laziness and bastardness I will not be doing a third BR today. I had intended to keep my promise to report on a game with Snowsquall, but it took me from 11am to 5pm to do just these two so I doubt my inadequate skills can accomplish one more today.

For those who are wondering what the point was of these two BRs, my answer is that there was none. It was a way to kill my time, and yours, and I hope I have succeeded in both. Considering I am such a prick I also included so many images that you will wonder why I am lagging your internet connection so badly. My answer to you is, "GET A FREAKING CABLE MODEM MAN!" And for those who got a fast load time, "Dang it all".

This has been a useless BR production by VRAM1974. Since it took me so much time to make these usless BRs I think I deserve at least an 8 for lameness sake. Thanks to all who participated in the BRs. I could not have made fun of you without your participation.