| #1 {t4r}KronosIII[39511] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| Jake, is me kind of, if I was in the story. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS!!! |
| #2 [39526] |
| sdn-ar-014mokcitP035.dialsprint.net |
| i didn't read it |
| #3 {t4r}KronosIII[39534] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
then read it
|
| #4 virgin[39535] |
| inh1ts17-qfe0.ims.bt.net |
| I is not understanding this |
| #5 <font color=red><i>P</i></font><b><font color=blue>|-|</font></b><u>3</u>ARM3[39539] |
| r-177.116.alltel.net |
Hm.
I think that you should have put a LOT more work into this. Way to short, and your characters are just suddenly there... No introduction to the characters, the setting... No background... Hm... Read a succesful novel or two and take some ideas from them. Like how to introduce the characters, etc. |
| #6 <font color=red><i>P</i></font><b><font color=blue>|-|</font></b><u>3</u>ARM3[39540] |
| r-177.116.alltel.net |
Oh yes the limit to the number of characters in your name sucks... I wanted my name to be like this:
<font color=red><i>P</i></font><b><font color=blue>|-|</font><font color=yellow></b><u>3</u></font><font color=purple><tt>A</tt></font><font color=green>R</font><font color=orange>M</font><font color=brown>3</font>
I guess I can use that as a signature |
| #7 {t4r}KronosIII[39545] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| like i said, this is just a sample of what is to be, The Armoured Core Saga I. This was from about chapter 3. I will have backgrouds, paragraphs, story, ect. so i want feed back on wether too do the full or not. It will be goood when it's full, so tell me if you want it or not. |
| #8 {t4r}KronosIII[39546] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| Virgin: This is a story, a 3 (or more...) part saga of the - oops! that would be a spoiler! |
| #9 [z]MRHD[39549] |
| resnet180-39.resnet.buffalo.edu |
| Perhaps you should do the first part of the full thing, and then ask for feedback on that. One part of what the whole report would be is probably too little to judge on. |
| #10 Ashdate[39552] |
| nat205.128.mpoweredpc.net |
| For a chapter this is very short. Also if your readers don't know the characters well, how are they supposed to see them as anything more than cannon fodder? |
| #11 Strom[39560] |
| ext135.mosx.com |
Having no paragraphs, no spell checking and apparently little in the way of proof reading really hurts a text story. Well it hurts most things, but when text is all you have you get hurt the most. :)
There were some wierd things in there as well, like United Powers is abbrieviated to UN?
If the Eulipses rebellion is a, umm, rebellion, then why aren't the UN (UP?) already fighting it? Or are they rebelling against someone else?
How did the rebellion forces get into the compound? It is actually ok that you skip this detail as they're attacking with surprise, but it's really hard to tell what's supposed to be going on.
When Lieutenant Commander Drake was introducing himself (why did he need to do this when he's talking to people in the same, apparently fairly small, outpost?) he's speaking as though he's in a bar not a combat zone.
You need to make sure that it's clear from the context who is saying what. Paragraphs are useful for this. Actually extended dialog sequences aren't very intuitive and it's best to rip off dialog style from a book you like. For example: "Thanks, kid. Let me fly this thing now." "Not today." he said.
Who is he? The pilot who is (presumably)outranked by the Lieutenant Commander? Why would Jake say that if it isn't the pilot saying it?
It's very difficult to get written sound effects to work effectively in a non-comic book setting, especially when they are used a lot. Perhaps it would be better to describe some of the sounds/events rather than trying to imitate them so directly.
Finally if there's such a huge force of Mechs available in the warehouse, which is nearby, then why are the UN (UP?) forces pulling out rather than fighting? There's really no evidence that we are shown that indicates that the enemy attack is overwhelmingly powerful.
I don't want to rate this because I think that you're taking a massive hit from the issues I mentioned above, but I guess I should anyway. I think that you could improve it a lot, fairly easily, if you wanted to.
Rating 3
Strom |
| #12 {t4r}KronosIII[39564] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| Storm: Jake is the piolt. Jake is a lt.Commander of a "Unknown" force. UN refused to take military action against the EP rebellion because it had political problems. the mechs are in the hanger of the main storage base of the "unknown" force. The EP has ( it tells this later in the saga) developed a Cloaking field, thats how they got into the compound. Liutenat Steven introduces himself in the first chapter. Steven said: "Thanks kid, let me fly this thing now." i was refering him as the "Piolt" because i was rushing this (i am asking myself why now.) i hope that clears up a few things. |
| #13 {t4r}KronosIII[39565] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| oh yeah, i havend't gotten anything saying: "yes, write the full thing" or: "no, don't write this." yet, please do so |
#14  [39575] |
| as530001.infocom.com |
I have a really crazy idea and you can laugh if you want to. If you have the whole thing finished... post the whole thing. Don't just post a small section from the middle of the "saga". If it isn't finished, at least start from the beginning when you post it. I normally don't pick up a book, open it up to page 142, and start reading, know what I mean?
Also, you really, really need to proofread this. All the typos make it very difficult to read.
I'm not going to rate this because it's not complete, and I would have to rate it very harshly... :(
Dref |
| #15 [39576] |
| as530001.infocom.com |
On second thought, I think I will go ahead and give this a 3. But only as a service to the readers. Sorry... :(
Dref |
| #16 Ashdate[39589] |
| nat211.233.mpoweredpc.net |
I'll have to agree with a previous poster, your speeling mistrakes are numerous and make the entire passage easy to skip over without paying much attention to it.
Like Drefsab said, post the entire thing, MINUS all the spelling mistakes.
And you haven't had anyone asking "Yeah, write the whole thing" because honestly the work you've presented is terrible. It's for this reason why people would naturally not say "no", they don't want to sound like a jerk to you and hurt your feelings.
A hard truth, but a truth none the less. |
| #17 {t4r}KronosIII[39643] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| okie. i'll post the first ENTIRE (screen shots...?) first chapter, you'll see it in about 1-2 days. |
| #18 [39657] |
| 208.196.35.239 |
You'll post it after you write it? eh?
;-)
Dref |
| #19 Starkweather[39662] |
| bose-cp.bose.com |
| Painful reading. Stop skipping your English class. |
#20  [39680] |
| fjwilson.reshall.ucsd.edu |
| Just a techinical note: put this in the other section, as it does not appear to be StarCraft-related. |
| #21 EldritchEvil[117420] |
| nr11-216-196-184-216.fuse.net |
EEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
-EE |
| #22 EldritchEvil[121329] |
| nr11-216-196-184-36.fuse.net |
I keep reading these old kronos reports, posting, and coming back and reading them again and posting about.
EEEEEEEEEe hax |
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