| #1 :BUCKEYE:[54442] |
| dhcp9561206.columbus.rr.com |
| 1st |
| #2 CynicalMagician[54444] |
| px1cl.gv.wave.shaw.ca |
Good stuff man, I actually liked it. It's nice to see fanfic where there's been some formatting, and it doesn't just use the characters kerrigan and raynor... I have a couple suggestions.
1: Don't put the first word in red and big... it looks weird. For the first letter of the first paragraph of each installment it is ok to make it big, but not for each paragraph.
2: Don't capitalize Her/She when it's not at the start of a sentence. Only place I've ever seen that is 'He' in the bible in place of God.
3: Some more character developement would be nice.. it's all well and good to have events, but events don't make a story, it's how the characters react that do. Events=text book, characters=novel, ya know?
4: All in all a bit longer might be nice. I found that there was a lot of stuff going on for only 3 chapters. It was just about right though.
All in all, GW. It's nice to see some pride taken in fan fic.
-CM
PS. I liked the doppler effect image. |
| #3 Mogalin[54445] |
| co853273-a.foti1.on.wave.home.com |
| It was long and I am not in a reading mood i will give better comment later :P |
| #4 SlingsNArrows[54450] |
| bgm-24-95-150-230.stny.rr.com |
| Great to see you writing again Cracky! |
| #5 $h@dow[54461] |
| pdx-ppp297.pop1.net |
| Theres a lot of Fan-Fic going around...I'm not a huge fan of it so I won't comment on this. |
| #6 Cracky_The_Peon[54465] |
| pppxela03.xela.net.gt |
Cynic -
1: yeah, in hind sight i don't really like it
2: thats intentional (for groovy plot reasons you will read about later)
3: I origionally thought this would be the usual third person perspective story, but for personal reasons i decided to experiment with more first person writing...i really couln't think of a good way to develope a nameless, shapeless character. =P
4: there will be more. patience young jedi.
Thanx for commenting
Cracky
|
| #7 Crusador[54493] |
| ip9.memphis14.tn.pub-ip.psi.net |
| Finally!!!!!! after weeks WEEKS!!!!!!!!!! i get to read this *sigh of relief* now i get to read it thank you thank you thank you |
| #8 Crusador[54494] |
| ip9.memphis14.tn.pub-ip.psi.net |
NO!!!!!!!!! What happened to the ending the ENDING!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!! I HATE NO ENDINGS!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* now i'll have to wait another month. I'll get you for this Cracky I'll get you!!!!!!!! :]
|
| #9 :+:SlipKnoT:+:[54495] |
| bc-kam-a53-01-65.look.ca |
| ehh should I read this? |
| #10 Cacky_The_Peon[54497] |
| pppxela01.xela.net.gt |
Teehee - don't worry crusador - you'll get your next crack fix soon enough =)
and yes, you should read this slipknot
cracky |
| #11 testosterone[54521] |
| mkc-31-246-80.kc.rr.com |
| ur still a bitch but i liked it =D, heh, seriously, was good/entertaining, read well, gj |
#12  [54543] |
| 208.196.35.239 |
There was some good writing in this little story. One of my favorite quotes was, "<i>I expected to look to the front and see Jesus himself standing there. Instead, I found something just a bit worse...a protoss high templar.</i>"
Another thing I liked that I don't see in most of the fan fic that has recently been released is that you worked hard to draw your story to some sort of conclusion. I hate it when someone releases one or two parts of a story and then gets bored and leaves it.
The only real problem that I had is that the climax to your story was a little weak. There was not enough conflict between your characters. It seems like you could have developed the relationship between the male and the female character a little more.
Also, it was nice that the marine discovered his purpose, but its usually better if a character has to endure some adversity before finding that purpose.
Also, on a small technical note, I found it a bit excessive for the marine to faint twice upon meeting the high templar. Once was probably sufficient to convey your purpose... ;-)
Anyway, I like your writing style and the story has been improved a lot since its previous release.
I'll go with a 7 on this one.
Cheers,
Dref |
| #13 BW-sux[54552] |
| spider-tp024.proxy.aol.com |
Best fanfic I've read in a long time.
7
BW-sux |
| #14 Cracky_The_Peon[54570] |
| pppxela00.xela.net.gt |
Well, this was really meant as a little bit of a background on what I'm working on now. I wanted to introduce the idea of protoss training terran fighters (kindof a next-gen type thing) all while steering away from the typical fanfics that just focus on marines in trench battles and whatnot. I guess the real reason I didn't develope the characters more than I did was because this is just the beginning of this idea and my future project (which will be released in parts) is going to just take this idea and expand it on a more universal scale. I'm currently working on a lot more combat (real) using these new warriors in missions etc. I've said too much already, but if you liked this, you will love the new series when I release it. Unforunantly, I am leaving to travel to the US in a coupla days and won't have time to work much on it. Expect the new stuff towards the end of august, when I get back.
cracky |
| #15 Cracky_The_Peon[54571] |
| pppxela00.xela.net.gt |
oh - forgot to add - the fainting thing was just to lighten things up a bit =P
It was kindof dark in the first part and I wanted to add some humor. =)
cracky |
| #16 Crimson Kell Hound[54651] |
| 1Cust136.tnt29.lax3.da.uu.net |
| damn nice job. a little short for me. the lack of an ending didnt really take away from the story. VERY descriptive and possibly a little too much so.Also, the havin only 3 characters thing goes fine with such a short story and the openended-ness of it would make it very easy for more great storys. good luck. 8.5 |
| #17 [LoR]-Napoleic[54892] |
| 24.66.179.206.bc.wave.home.com |
I think your character developement was just right. It's better to allow events and the characters themeselves to define them. Just describing them is boring and forced.
I sensed that your lack of conflict and so forth was because this was the intro. What you needed to do was introduce the enemy. Not just "the zerg", thats far too bland and boring.
Anyways I look forward to the next installment, the idea had me pumped about the possiblities of where you can take this story, so don't disappoint ;) |
| #18 Nuclear~SCV[55100] |
| ftmadisonagent.lisco.net |
Good job man, I could picture the background fairly easily, and the character development was just right I think. Most people just tell you the details about them, which is the worst way. Good writers let the plot develop the characters and the characters develop the plot.
All in all, nice job cracky, can't wait for the next one ;) |
| #19 TT[56423] |
| pc84dn03.fcc.net |
| This was pure cock. |
| #20 BackStabingLiar[61744] |
| 63.239.42.130 |
lol TT
<img "www.geocities.com/tripwire_duke/bsl.jpg" alt="you dont really wanna fuck with cheese, only nigga that i trust, is cheese. fuck around and make me cut the cheese, thats the chaddar, he always wants a bite!"> |
| #21 BackStabingLiar[61745] |
| 63.239.42.130 |
lol TT
<img www.geocities.com/tripwire_duke/bsl.jpg> |
| #22 BackStabingLiar[61746] |
| 63.239.42.130 |
lol TT
<img "www.geocities.com/tripwire_duke/bsl.jpg"> |
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