| #1 WarLeaderJustin[82430] |
| spider-mtc-th044.proxy.aol.com |
| First with stttttttttttyle! |
| #2 Cearas[82431] |
| cache02-e3c.syd.optusnet.com.au |
| 2nd. |
| #3 asdsadasrfa[82432] |
| sc-66-27-186-128.socal.rr.com |
| lol dis is getting old. text BRs and fanfics. |
| #4 HKRules[82434] |
| 12.107.65.128 |
| yeah fanfics |
| #5 HKRules[82435] |
| 12.107.65.128 |
| people don't need to like it. All you need is your own motivation and a rating of above 2. |
| #6 Genesis[82436] |
| ubr-26.98.113.pinecastle.cfl.rr.com |
Where do i Start? Well part two has some potential but im gunna give you some constrctive critisism. For character devlopment their was some but not much. Mostly facts of his life and nothing about his personallity. And severly unrealistic. I seriosidly doubt they would promot you for killing someone. Its like saying "Well you killed this guy so were are going to let you lead a team of people who have had years more experince then you". I mean come he had the least training of the bunch so hes in charge cuz he killed a guy? Not very real. Also you really really skimped on the detail, it was mostly Fack this and Fack you and mother facker...not very entertaining. Im not trying to flame you or anthing but i also write FanFics and i just wanted to give you some good critisim, which is what i go threw all the "FanFics are gay" for. So in part two try to be much much more descriptive, and give you char are Personality, not a history ya know what i mean? And try to make it more realistic =)
~Genesis |
| #7 Genesis[82437] |
| ubr-26.98.113.pinecastle.cfl.rr.com |
Where do i Start? Well part two has some potential but im gunna give you some constrctive critisism. For character devlopment their was some but not much. Mostly facts of his life and nothing about his personallity. And severly unrealistic. I seriosidly doubt they would promot you for killing someone. Its like saying "Well you killed this guy so were are going to let you lead a team of people who have had years more experince then you". I mean come he had the least training of the bunch so hes in charge cuz he killed a guy? Not very real. Also you really really skimped on the detail, it was mostly Fack this and Fack you and mother facker...not very entertaining. Im not trying to flame you or anthing but i also write FanFics and i just wanted to give you some good critisim, which is what i go threw all the "FanFics are gay" for. So in part two try to be much much more descriptive, and give you char are Personality, not a history ya know what i mean? And try to make it more realistic =)
~Genesis |
| #8 Genesis[82438] |
| ubr-26.98.113.pinecastle.cfl.rr.com |
| wtf...why did it post it twice... |
| #9 hey man[82441] |
| rm03-24-131-186-223.ce.mediaone.net |
i normally dislike and dont read fanfics but i decided to rd. yours and i thought that it was actually entertaining. you have some writing talent.
that sunshine up your ass line was clever
T_T part 2 thx |
| #10 Poltergeist_001[82444] |
| 209.115.253.64 |
| Same thing with me, i usually skim through fanfics, but this one was really entertaining....be sure to make a part2 |
| #11 Dillihole[82448] |
| 1Cust65.tnt5.tacoma.wa.da.uu.net |
Now this is what I mean by not needing adjectives to tell a story. Good job with the action, it was nice and the dialogue flowed smoothly. Although you may want to add who is saying what by each talking line.
But
What is the plot? It's kinda hard to get into a story without a developing plot line. I just didn't get where you were trying to take me as a reader.
Also
I know this is the first part, but you should give some background into the characters so we can get a feel about them, as well as care about them.
I hope part 2 will answer my questions on plot and the charecteristics of your characters. |
#12  [82451] |
| on-tor-blr-a58-01-191.look.ca |
| i didnt read it cuz i dont like fanfics, but what the fack is with all the facks? dont like swearing? :) |
| #13 xld.aldogrez[82454] |
| spider-we022.proxy.aol.com |
| OMG, I SAY FACK TOO!!! SDASDFSDFASDFASDF |
| #14 america~jin[82481] |
| 12.7.75.67 |
| OMG that line was funny, "Son, I’m not going to throw sunshine up your ass.." |
| #15 (DL)Spam[82494] |
| hst000003162um.kincannon.olemiss.edu |
asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdf
REPORT BATTLES |
| #16 Khas'andro[82512] |
| ool-18bc02ed.dyn.optonline.net |
| Haha Watz, I saw your name, laughed, laughed harder when I saw it was a fanfic, and fell off my chair laughing when I saw all those "Facks".. I didn't read the whole thing, I'm still laughing... |
| #17 Wisest~Yoda[82529] |
| pm3-1-44.boscobel.mwt.net |
"YEA FACKIN CUT HIS FACKIN HEAD OFF"
rofl i love watz = |
| #18 SlingsNArrows[82543] |
| bgm-24-95-150-230.stny.rr.com |
| LoL, interesting stuff watz |
| #19 Zirale[83565] |
| adsl-64-123-174-218.dsl.rcsntx.swbell.net |
Well, I won't repeat what everyone's said. It's a good story, but when you say Colonel Duke are you referring to General Duke from the actual game? If so, by the time this story has taken place (you said it was after the Brood War) then Duke is dead. He was killed by the Zerg in the expansion single player missions. If you're just recycliing the name but not talking about the same guy then thats fine.
Good story, I'd like to see a part 2 although I'm not a regular visitor at this site...
Zirale |
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