| #1 CKane[84233] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
Hi.
I started this last November, telling only Monty Pylon and a few others about it. It has evolved a lot since then.
I sincerely hope this isn't another crap effort at fan fiction. If it is, tell me so that I may stop. I can take criticism.
:p
If you like it, feel free to say so. :p
Well, I have to go to sleep now (it's like 11:30) so... CKane out. Hope you enjoyed the story. :p |
| #2 Sexy^Orangutang[84234] |
| c1256320-a.stcla1.sfba.home.com |
| the story was good and all...but fanfics are no thx. good effor tho. |
| #3 Eat-the-chobo[84236] |
| spider-te062.proxy.aol.com |
| 3rd 3rd now 2 read it |
| #4 Eat-the-Chobo[84238] |
| spider-te062.proxy.aol.com |
| i didn't read it, it was too boring =[ sorry but if its a fanfic i'd like you to get right to the action otherwise i'll just go read some book by scott orson card, also if ur gonna use characters from broodwars please remember that just getting the terrans to the new area took 100 years and 20 years to establish their dominions 100 years (they were biofrozen or something) and i doubt admiral dugalle is 120 years old? anyways plz make it more accurate and stick to not writing fan fics ok? |
| #5 iggy[84240] |
| 188.los-angeles-43-44rs.ca.dial-access.att.net |
| dood, no one is commenting on fanfics. asdf to that! |
| #6 RyeBone[84242] |
| CBL-franklu.hs.earthlink.net |
| Just a word of advice, don't post your report/fanfic after a good one (ie EVIL EYE LASER MAN). It just makes yours look like crap. no offense:) |
| #7 RyeBone[84243] |
| CBL-franklu.hs.earthlink.net |
| interesting story though... |
| #8 TheVictim[84244] |
| 155.176.112.95 |
IMHO you got this half right. You are bringing up the questions in the mind of the reader 'What is in the box?' and 'Who/what was the man with the metal eye?'. What is missing is the fact that from my viewpoint, I don't really care what is in the box or who the man with the metal eye is. You need to make the reader care more about the characters and their motives to engross the reader in the story. This is usually accomplished by making the reader identify with each character in some manner. Here are some suggestions:
1) Give the character some phobia, personality defect, or other problem that the reader can sympathize with, then have the character deal with this and begin to overcome it. Characters should develop along with the story to make the reader truly care about them.
2) Science fiction stories present a unique opportunity in that you can give a character some really neat ability that has some pros and cons to it, then show how the character deals with this throughout the story. This makes the reader want to 'be' the character so they more readily identify with them. Don't overdo this, it fails when poured on too thick.
3) You have introduced a slight mystery element, which is good, but it works better attached to a character. The man with the metal eye might have been trying to kill your protagonist, but give us a slight clue why. Then keep adding clues to the puzzle to keep readers wanting to know What Happens Next. Adding a mysterious element to a character is also a great way to have the reader identify with them. A secret enemy is a good choice, as well as secret knowledge and skills. Spoonfeed the reader with pieces of the mystery to keep them interested.
4) Don't forget to resolve your character development issues during or shortly before the plot resolution. You can leave a curious fact or loose end if you plan on using the characters again, but you have to 'pay off' the reader with something in each chapter or the final resolution. No payoff = I wasted 20 minutes of my life on this?
|
| #9 the()vermind[84249] |
| user-2ivea6v.dialup.mindspring.com |
| interesting story, bad timing considering the anti-fan fic envirement |
| #10 Cearas[84254] |
| cache02-e3c.syd.optusnet.com.au |
| Fan-Fic is no thx. |
| #11 Cearas[84255] |
| cache02-e3c.syd.optusnet.com.au |
| That's not to say this shit, I just dont like most fan-fic. |
| #12 BUU[84256] |
| 207.80.13.5 |
| ya know, especially since this is the sc universe, you could make purty ss to go along with it.. atleast for some of it, and esp for the battles. You could edit a map (or whatever) so it looked like what you wanted, and show us the action. You could start a whole new genre, fan-fic with pics! It would atleast keep the attention of some of the more attention deficit readers. |
| #13 CKane[84257] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
| Thx for all your input. :p |
| #14 CKane[84258] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
Espically tnx to TheVictim. Nice input.
This is still the exposition, I actually plan on having the charachters fully devoloped by #3. They do have charachter flaws. I suppose I should have made it more apparent in this first installment, but oh well :p |
| #15 Forceguy[84260] |
| p3EE3C087.dip.t-dialin.net |
Heck, whats so bad bout this? I found it quite oK, alot better then most of the previous fanfics. I aspecially like your descriptions (eg the BCs taking off) thou you have it easy there since, of cause, we all know what a BC looks like.
Nice effort, I dont think I wasted my time on this. |
| #16 ...[84261] |
| 24-240-44-88.hsacorp.net |
| Good writing but slightly boring...hopefully the next installment will have more action... Good job overall though... |
| #17 .High+Templar.[84262] |
| machine-66-138.bergen.org |
| This sucked major ass. My 2 cents. |
| #18 Monty Pylon[84264] |
| gateway.Culinary.EDU |
*yawn*
A really super, great, pproffesional writer could have done 9348579643298432873427324608342 times better than this!!!! However, since you are not a novelist by trade I will critique you on your work and not compare it to a much higher standard.
To begin, I noticed a lot of jumping around and that you seem to be quantum leaping throughout the SC universe. Warcraft and Starcraft name placement was clever but smelled a bit cheesy. I agree with victim in that you need to think if the reader does care about a box or a metal eye man.
It would seem that you are emphisisng detail without emphising the story. Secret missions seem to be popping up all over the place and it gets rather confusing.
My last suggestion would be to continue onward and hope your next installment will be better. People will hate the fics but there would seem to be a few interested people, who would like to see it continue. It's your choice but don't let the man get you down.
Damn the man, save the Empire!
Monty Pylon |
| #19 UDontKnOwME[84269] |
| h000094c7d4a8.ne.mediaone.net |
That was ok, but you really need to work on yuor story. Also, using names of -Nohunters people (I could see some reseblence in most of the names), is not going to do much. I agree with Monty and Victim:
1.) I don't seem to be able to follow your story. You are jumping around to much.
2.) You need to have your story a bit longer and more drawn out. When I say that, I mean that you need to develop your story and your characters better.
3.) I really don't give a damn about what's in the stupid box (no offense), but I am interested about the guy with the one eye. You physical descriptions are good, but you need to work on the character's mental ideals.
I would give this report a 5.
Have a nice day :),
UDKM |
| #20 Wisest~Yoda[84290] |
| pm3-1-39.boscobel.mwt.net |
i refuse to read it due to the author's idiocy
im sure it sucks tho |
| #21 Eradicate~Me[84293] |
| spider-tj074.proxy.aol.com |
| ditto on yoda |
| #22 Scarab[84300] |
| ACA6ECA7.ipt.aol.com |
| preach it, hitlerchu |
| #23 CKane[84310] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
LOL monty... it's just that three of the last four novels I read were political satire... sorry if I caused any offense.
Numbers 20, 21, and 22 are ignored completely, except for this comment, so don't wast your time. |
| #24 CKane[84319] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
Remember this is my first full-fledged fiction I've posted online, so bear with me. I'm improving as fast as I can. :p
Hey, Monty_Pylon once got a 3 when he was first writing, so... :p |
| #25 ThieverIV[84322] |
| spider-tj054.proxy.aol.com |
I thought it was good. As Victim & Monty stated, don't jump around TOO much. The beginning with the 4 motherships and the transition to the future was well done but the part about Gerard and the Box was abrupt and out of place. And to repeat what Victim said, your story is excellent (lots of detail etc.) but make us care!
-ThieverIV |
| #26 Scarab[84323] |
| ACA6ECA7.ipt.aol.com |
hey
this sucked so much I didnt even read |
| #27 awe 6[84325] |
| c286394-a.pinol1.sfba.home.com |
| gj...but this is more of a sci-fi drama than a fan-fic, maybe it shoudl go on a site like scnation. they have hosted stories fyi... |
| #28 Harry Balsac[84347] |
| 155.176.112.61 |
| This is jacked, how come this got a 6 when victim just got a 5? |
| #29 [LE]Sniper[84375] |
| nchobo03.telenet-ops.be |
This is a fucking boring story !!!
It's a shame for this site !
|
| #30 Wisest~Yoda[84454] |
| pm3-1-20.boscobel.mwt.net |
this sucked so much that i need to take another whole comment just to tell you how much it sucked
even if i didnt read it |
| #31 btw[84455] |
| pm3-1-20.boscobel.mwt.net |
| erad: fuck you |
| #32 CKane[84486] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
| heh |
| #33 GameOverZ[84491] |
| ppp15.c5300-1.day-oh.siscom.net |
| Suck my weena |
| #34 [84546] |
| rm03-24-131-186-223.ce.mediaone.net |
| fucking nerd, nice fan fic about a computer game. go play pokemon |
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