| #1 The Wise One[131116] |
| ppp010.men.centurytel.net |
This should be completely edited no spelling or grammar mistakes sorry for the last version i didn't have time to proof read it at school.
please point out any you still find |
| #2 The Wise One[131117] |
| ppp010.men.centurytel.net |
| Please delete the one below this so i don't anger mark 4 for posting twice. |
| #3 3rd[131118] |
| d221-216-98.systems.cogeco.net |
| 3rd |
| #4 Decay[131120] |
| 206.10.109.57 |
I HATE THE CHARACTER LIMIT!!!!! Ahem...
"...his gnome-bandit captures had pushed him..." - The word 'captures' is a verb. The word you want is captors.
"Through the vast, overgrown tangle of bush, briars, and bramble; he had been marched." - The semicolon is unneeded here. Usually they separate two independent clauses. 'Through the vast, overgrown tangle of bush, briars, and bramble' is not an independent clause, so remove the semicolon.
"A constant, ruthless struggle to put one foot in front of the other." - This is a fragment.
"His bare feet were ripped apart like a knife torn through cloth." - While this is a good analogy, it's worded wrong. It sounds as though his feet are like knives, not like cloth. |
| #5 Decay[131121] |
| 206.10.109.57 |
(continued)
These are mistakes about spelling and grammar I found in your first paragraph. Getting another person to read it (pick someone you know is intelligent with english) would halp most of these mistakes a great deal. As I said before, you have a nice style, and your use of description is better than most peoples. You just need to put in that extra bit of effort to really please people. Don't get discouraged and stop writing please, but try to find a way to get some of the minor errors out.
~Decay (Yes, this is the real Decay :P) |
| #6 TIME is not on YOUR SIDE[131122] |
| 209.234.157.161 |
| ROFL, way to own him decay =p |
| #7 LameJoker[131142] |
| 216.127.82.97 |
wOw......he must have a phd in showing people up.
Another thing: Try quotes
The knife guy said he didn't like to see a lad (you used that word a few too many times) tied and drug like an animal. Drug is a noun, and if you meant he was doped up, its drugged, and if you meant he was being bodily hauled across the ground, its dragged. Its a common mistake that people use irregular verbs in regular form for the past participle tense(or sumthin like that).
What loser 16 year old gets tied up by 10 nomes? Are these little fairy 6 inch nomes or 3 foot nomes?
Lots of potential, though, very nice metaphors, similes, and adjectives. Ues quotes. |
| #8 The Wise One[131146] |
| 208.54.203.142 |
Thanks Decay and LameJoker i'll try to work on my run ons, fragments, and verb usage and maybe get my girl friend to review reports/fanfics for me before i post them.
but TIME stfu i don't need any of your immature remarks if your gona criticize me say something useful that would help me out.
and i zerg ling i checked that site htmlgoodies.com out and got some useful html code stuff but the code for body backgrounds or changing the color of a full page of text don't seem to work, at least it don't show up on preview when i paste the tags and some text off of notepad onto the submit report spot but the other tags like text alignment, size, and single word coloring seem to work. can someone explain this? |
| #9 The Wise One[131147] |
| 208.54.203.142 |
| Oh and the gnomes i'm talking about or about 3 or 4 feet tall about the height of dwarfs just not as buff or husky but there still decent fighters. basically the ones in Dungeons and Dragon books or the Shannara series by Terry Brooks incase your wondering lame joker |
| #10 LameJoker[131262] |
| 216.127.82.97 |
| OOO |
| #11 Fortuna[131290] |
| 137.187.50.108 |
Um... Funny you should mention Terry Brooks, since you cribbed this scene directly from The Wishsong of Shannara, the part where Garret Jax (your "Gerald Rex") rescues Jair Ohmsford (your "Jade Bronsmoore") from a troop of--you guessed it--gnomes.
At least you didn't crib it word-for-word.
|
| #12 The Wise One[131323] |
| 170.211.33.155 |
That's the seen i got the idea from, but i described it very differently.
Good that some people still read good books.
but the meaning of a fan fic is taking the basic idea behind a popular novel, movie, or video game that your a fan of and making your own similar work
as long as it's not too similar cause that is against the law |
| #13 PooHandler[131351] |
| adsl-34-93-199.mia.bellsouth.net |
| Hey, I hate reading so I only read the first couple paragraphs, but it looked pretty good. I just wish someone would come and rate it already, cuz I know what it is like to be in suspense of a rating. |
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