| #1 EldritchEvil[146496] |
| nr11-216-196-191-98.fuse.net |
| Joy! |
| #2 goldrush945[146497] |
| wc01.mtnk.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| Not bad, but a little short. |
| #3 Chris[146498] |
| astound-64-85-237-118.ca.astound.net |
Fanfic. -.-
Looks alright to me for the .7 seconds that I looked at it. At least a background.
^_^ |
| #4 tempus007[146499] |
| nr26-66-42-150-224.fuse.net |
| Wow. Good writing; points for flow and style. For all its brevity, It was very good. Make 'em longer, and you'll be scoring high golds. |
| #5 The Wise One[146501] |
| 105-164.sulross.edu |
| nice read but your story could spend more time contemplating on the personalities of the characters, instead of just throwing a plot together |
| #6 Psyonic_Reaver[146502] |
| 1Cust87.tnt1.bend.or.da.uu.net |
He's HAD them longer and everybody complained to shorten them. So he did. Now you complain its too short. Personally, I liked them long.
Good stuff as always! Pure gold! 8! |
| #7 EldritchEvil[146503] |
| nr11-216-196-191-98.fuse.net |
| Chris: If these are fanfics, then the World War 3 FFAs could be considered crappy two-line reports. |
| #8 SuperMonkey[146504] |
| cpe-024-165-218-175.midsouth.rr.com |
Yea I personally liked them long too... but eh.
Too bad these reports come few and far between :( |
| #9 SupeRc0pKr[146515] |
| cache-da02.proxy.aol.com |
i'm going to have to agree with you on that one, Wise One. i've realized that none of the characters have any defining qualities. something to work on i guess.
haha i had spent some time off from writing for a while. when i finished this segment i decided to post it despite it's brevity since it's been some time since the last installment.
this is about 3 pages; what's considered too brief and too much? |
#10  [146519] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
Good writing! Unfortunately, as the wise one said, there's a distinct lack of character development. Without character development we never really feel for the protagonists, and hence the story suffers immeasurably. To me, it felt dry and rather monotonous.
The dialogue wasn't bad, but you should think about making it a touch more realistic in some places. However that is a minor concern - generally it was very good, as well. BTW, dead horses in WW2? That confused me.
As the others have mentioned, this piece is short, so I don't think I'll give it a gold. However, again - great writing :) |
| #11 tempus007[146525] |
| ip-216-196-216-249.zif.fuse.net |
Well, there aren't military horses in WWII, but among the civillian population... this is Normandy we're talking about. Think a French version of a Clydesdale.
Beautiful diction and flow; I like the writing style, but you seem to suffer from the same curse I do - content and development. But if you want gold bad enough, you'll get it.
In terms of length, don't think in terms of numbers of pages - look at a gold-rated report, estimate how much you have to scroll the page to reach the end, then use that length for your report (Think Zerg~Ling here or some similar great).
|
| #12 [146530] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| so you're saying the average populace had enough horses for them to be littered on the side of the street. And why would the military specifically target "civilian" horses anyway? |
| #13 tempus007[146534] |
| ip-216-196-216-249.zif.fuse.net |
Artillery, especially moarters, are not that accurate. There is no war without collateral damage - no matter how hard you try. You don't have to target them.
"Littered" is a relative term. The road isn't piled high with corpses, there's just a few strewn here and there. |
| #14 [146535] |
| wc01.wlfdle.rnc.net.cable.rogers.com |
| that barely, barely makes sense . . . but why would they all be clustered around the roads? And wouldnt they run AWAY from the battle? |
| #15 SupeRc0pKr[146536] |
| cache-mtc-aa01.proxy.aol.com |
| the german army was a horse-driven army past it's frontline; its logistics and supply was dominated by draft animals, despite its heavily-armored and heavily-modernized combat units. allied air power generally made german resupply a tricky business, and so as an American or a Brit it wasn't uncommon to see dead animals or a shot-up farm cart while advancing down a road. |
| #16 LuckyNewbie:P[146538] |
| c-24-9-213-47.client.comcast.net |
| there's no horses in canada... don't try to explain this to him ;) |
| #17 Asmodues[146539] |
| 208.31.47.29 |
I didn't read it. If I want to read a fanfic, (Rarely do), I go to a quality controled fan fic site. No offense. From what I read, dialogue was stilted. Of course, I only read about 6 lines, in the middle of the report. Hehe.
But I'm still commenting! |
| #18 Convider[146557] |
| Toronto-HSE-ppp3661521.sympatico.ca |
hmm... this seems rushed... next time, take a little longer and make it the 500 page length that I love.
7.5 |
| #19 The Wise One[146603] |
| 68-90-137-90.ded.swbell.net |
| woot woot just wasting space in your comment board for the hell of it. |
| #20 NightHawk65[146682] |
| co-colspgs-u5-c4d-241.clspco.adelphia.net |
| This is the worst sack of crap piece of monkey trash ever. Thanks for telling me you posted something dick head. BTW, I didn't read it yet. |
| #21 MojoMAN[146727] |
| tor58-uas-26b-209148142102.3web.net |
| Ignore that dumbass. It was great, I enjoyed it. |
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