"Chicks give Yeti boner."
-Yeti
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| #1 wakiki[154680] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | | FIRST OMG OMG | | #2 wakiki[154681] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | | Wow, my first first comment ever! Time to read. | | #3 wakiki[154682] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | --”Zacharim realized instantly – and Jarius soon after – why Friend chose that bread for them as he felt an overwhelmingly powerful surge of energy flow through [him He] stood up almost instantly -- much to the delight of his brother -- ready to find the answer to Friend’s riddle, and ready to blaze his way from this hellish nightmare.”
Hehe, I bracketed the place where you forgot a period.
--”It was clear Friend was far more wise than his lack of eloquence suggested.”
The words “It was clear” aren’t necessary here. They don’t really add any more detail or information - I think that’s just wordy. “Friend was far more wise than his lack of eloquence suggested” is a much better way to end that paragraph.
--”...hand resting on an especially large, yet very much dead tree.”
I think that’s also wordy. “large, yet dead tree” would suffice, I believe. These are the types of things that people would speak in dialogue, but aren’t necessary for character thoughts, or narration.
Haha, in fact, an example of this would be what I just typed. I could remove, “[I think] that’s also wordy. ‘large, yet dead tree’ would suffice [, I believe].” See, I add the bracketed phrases to take away from the harshness. Adding these things in communication with other people is sending a nice gesture. However, adding this in your narration makes it less powerful. Analysing my own comments is fun :)
--“Ok,” Zacharim said, stopping slumped, favoring his wound.”
Favoring his wound? I don’t know what you are trying to say here. It’s probably a typo.
--” With that, Jarius deftly leapt from branch to branch until he became lost in a maze of brown, leafless limbs.”
I’m glad you told me that they were leafless. Details like this are good. It reinforces the image of ruin and death of the forest.
--” Zacharim took the opportunity to sit [down remove] the cloth covering his stomach wound...”
Typo inside the brackets.
--“...the edges of the wound seemed to be festering and turning a [very] noxious pink, emitting a rank diseased smell.”
I think “very” should be removed here - once again, it adds nothing, and is wordy. The word “noxious” is good; no need for very.
--”...the water entered it pristine, and left it as [little more than] muck.”
Hehe, at this point, I’m specifically looking for wordiness in your writing, since that seems to be the biggest problem.
--“The next time you get wounded, I’m going to get some ragged wet piece of cloth, shove it in there then ask you ‘feel good?’” Zacharim [cynically] retorted.”
Heh. “Cynically” is being redundant, as most retorts are cynical, and I can certainly tell that from the dialogue. Speaking of your dialogue, I think it’s good and feels natural. This makes the Night Elves seem more personal. | | #4 wakiki[154683] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | --”Zacharim could feel his renewed energy being sucked away from him [mercilessly, he] did not want to damage Jarius’ [hope but he] knew it was not long before his legs could no longer carry him.”
Two run-ons here. You could either make the first comma a semicolon or a period.(I would prefer a period.) The second, you need a comma before the “but.”
--”Jarius marked the brightest star in his mind and positioned himself based on its direction.”
Okay, I know I said in my last critique that the “star=hope” thing was well-written but cliché. However, since you used it earlier, you could make some reference to it here. That is, of course, only if you want to give the reader hope, or if you want them to continue to have the imagery of death. In fact, a less cliché way of using the “star=hope” idea would be to talk about how the forest is tainted, but the stars remain pure. Possibly that would fit better right here. After all, when you brought up the stars of hope earlier, it was at a point where things were getting worse for the characters. You could just focus on despair at that point, and hope at this point.
Of course, I’m basing that all off of the working assumption that things WILL get better for the characters. I haven’t read it yet, so we will see :)
--”As is urging the boys on, Jarius’ first step was met by a single ephemeral ray of starlight piercing through the tree canopy above them and lighting an area mere feet from his current position.”
Okay, good description. Except, you didn’t follow all the way through. You need to describe it lighting up a specific thing, rather than “an area.” It would create a much more clear image in my mind if you did that.
--”...another ray of light appeared in front of him, begging for him to continue. Jarius was happy to oblige.”
A more concise way to say this would be “...another ray of light appeared in front of him, beckoning him (forward/on). Jarius obliged.”
--”Zacharim smiled, watching [proudly] as his brother [quickly] picked up the starlit track, their only way to freedom, and [continued in his brother’s footsteps.]”
Once again, this is pretty wordy. “Proudly” and “quickly” should be removed entirely, while the last phrase could be replaced by something, such as “followed.” And no comma is necessary before “and.”
| | #5 wakiki[154684] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | --”Trees howled and leaves groaned around them, whispers of malice beneath their feet and over their heads. Wind bellowed...”
Okay, I REALLY like the fact that malice is is beneath their feet and over their heads. That’s a very good addition, giving the reader not just the feeling that there is malice, but that they are completely surrounded by it. On a negative, but less important note, the sound words “howled,” “groaned,” and “bellowed” are fairly cliché. However, it’s better to include them than it would be to remove them. Clichés are very hard to avoid, by their very nature.
--“The smell of fire and death choked the two in nausea, making what was left of their meager water supply seem even more precious of a commodity.”
What? Did they vomit or something? Does nausea make people thirsty?
--”unconcerned or perhaps feigning unconcern for the significance of the book stolen from them.”
Ooooh, I REALLY like this. “or perhaps feigning unconcern” - heh, very nice. I had temporarily put the book at the back of my mind; this brings this back up again.
--”Zacharim grew weaker and weaker...”
“Zacharim weakened” perhaps?
--”Jarius [could feel] his muscles tear...”
Once again, the more concise the better. Perhaps put the word “felt” in instead - that’s both shorter, and more powerful, to me at least.
At trhis point, I notice that the confusion in changing viewpoints is gone. For some reason, it seems clearer. Good job in fixing this.
--”Perhaps his own fatigue was too great for him to even speak, or perhaps his brothers fatigue and concentration prevented him from hearing his brother. Zacharim couldn’t be sure, the bellow of the trees and wind had fully conquered his mind, he was unable to hear his own voice, if he even had it any more.”
This is a very good section.
--”...Jarius collapsed [in a heap]...”
Ack. That is both wordy AND it’s a cliché.
--”The two remained there for a brief period, Jarius searching for the courage to move, and Zacharim searching for the courage to wake up, until finally Jarius popped open their final canteen of water.”
Good parallelism. This is one of your strong points. Comparing the two brothers is a very effective technique. Here, it reinforces the feeling of exhaustion.
--“He took a small but infinitely rejuvenating sip [of water], then turned [over] to his brother.”
Heh, since you said “water” at the end of the last sentence, it’s fairly repetitive. Also, “over” is not needed.
--“...and you’ll be able to get medical attention.”
Hehe, the phrase “medical attention” seems modern and out of place.
--“His surroundings seemed far too hazy, his mind far too unstable, [and] his legs far too limp.”
The parallelism is good, but the word “seemed” is not very powerful. Even replacing it with “were” or “felt” would be better. The word “seemed” sounds fairly timid. Also, remove the “and” - it ruins the parallelism.
--“Damn…wind…” Jarius choked out, staring longingly into the forest.”
This doesn’t make sense. He’s far too exhausted to say something unimportant like that out loud; he would think it instead. Also, why would he stare _longingly_?
| | #6 wakiki[154685] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | --“The woman turned her back suddenly to Jarius, hiding a bright red face. She regained her composure, cleared her throat, and turned back with a half smile to Jarius.”
Hey! This is excellent. She’s brisk, her actions are brisk, the writing is brisk. Makes sense.
--”“Well, it would appear my daughters clumsiness and my big mouth got this family into trouble again hmm? Well sit down, I’m sure you’re hungry, I’ll have some tater soup out for you in just a few; the taters aren’t peeled, Paolo doesn’t like it much though I’m sure you won’t mind! Oh, and you might want to put some clothes on too, you are in a house of ladies after all,” The woman nodded slightly and walked back behind the wall.”
Okay, in keeping with this woman’s brisk characterization, you need to have her doing things. First of all, make the sentences as short and concise as possible.
For instance, instead of: “Well sit down, I’m sure you’re hungry, I’ll have some tater soup out for you in just a few; the taters aren’t peeled...”
Make it: “Well sit down. I’m sure you’re hungry. I’ll have some tater soup out in just a few. The taters aren’t peeled.”
Then, add in some things for her to do. She is probably talking and doing things at the same time. For instance, have her walk in with a basket full of laundry, and replace that section with something like:
”Well sit down.” She began to fold and stack the clothes on the bed.“I’m sure your hungry.” She finished folding and turned to open the drawer. “I’ll have some tater soup in just a few.” She plopped each shirt in the drawer. “The tater’s aren’t peeled”.... etc.
End it with something like: “Oh, and you might want to put some clothes on too, you are in a house of ladies after all,” the woman said as she picked up her basket, nodded slightly, and walked back behind the wall.”
____
A stylistic idea would be that you might want to consider making your sentences shorter. I almost choked in the first sentence:
“Judging from the climate, the pigmentation, and clotting of Zacharim’s wound, Jarius concluded that they had been asleep for, at the very least, a half a day; although with the deadening of the forest, he had much difficulty pinning a precise time down, and hadn’t the faintest idea on how long it’s been since their journey started from Byrtum’s tree-grave.”
Whew. I think that’s way too elaborate, for me at least. For some reason, all throughout education, we are taught that longer sentences are usually better. However, I’ve never really agreed with this. Even go so far as to consider using fragments in your writing, especially when portraying a characters thoughts. People often think in fragments(I do, at least) so consider using them when writing from a characters point of view, or when you want to reinforce a point. Don’t be afraid to use short sentences either.
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All in all, looking forward to the next part very much. This comment took up six(?!) pages, hehe, and fractions of it exceeded the character limit. I'm glad I typed this up in Appleworks before posting it. I hope you find it helpful. | #7  [154686] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | taking a look at what i posted, i dont think it copied properly from the file on my comp...very odd, a lot of the missed periods and the such come from that.
as always, thanks for the critique, i'm starting to notice a lot of habits in my writing and am starting to correct them as i go. i have a difficult time balancing verbosity with eloquence...have to get deeper into the emotion and rhythm of the situation i suppose...i'll keep it in mind! thanks much | | #8 [154687] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | | oh and when i was typing out that long comment from the mom, i made a mental note to change it because it didn't feel right at all :P | | #9 SpuniasauR[154689] | | CPE-203-45-70-168.nsw.bigpond.net.au | | Great work Keanu. Really fun stuff, looking forward to next update. | | #10 SupeRc0pKr[154692] | | cache-mtc-aa01.proxy.aol.com | wakiki it's one thing to add constructive analysis and commentary, it's another thing to assert control over Keanu's ideas and technique. i admire that you want to help out so much but micromanaging down to specific stylistic devices and other details that Keanu uses is kind of intrusive. like you are telling him what is and isn't believable and how his characters should act and respond. if anyone would know what's credible within the plot and how the characters should be portrayed it'd be him.
Keanu maybe you're taking the advice to heart but one thing to keep in mind is that nobody's a great writer. every single writer has a few critics who don't like the way he tells a story. good writing is really subjective, what sounds good to one person may be trash to another. the thing is though you're the only guy who knows what your intentions are so the best critic for your own particular style of writing would be you. | | #11 Asmodues[154693] | | fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net | | Favoring a wound means moving gingerly, so as to not jar the painful area. It's a very common literary expression. | | #12 wakiki[154695] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | Heh, Super, that's what I have been trying to avoid :( I understand you're point. I purposely avoided giving a direct suggestion on my last section(the one suggesting for him to use shorter sentences and/or fragments). However, removing unnecessary phrases such as "It was clear that" is pretty black-and-white, to me.
The last section does seem fairly intrusive to me, now that I re-read it. Take that advice with a grain of salt; this may simply not be what you are going for. I simply thought that I would put that idea forward.
Asmo: Oops, I've never heard that expression before. Ignorance :( | | #13 [154696] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | | i try to take all criticism's as something to help improve my writing, not change my writing. with that said, i think what most of what wakiki said is pretty accurate...i have a lot of kinks i need to work out. | | #14 Asmodues[154697] | | fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net | | Wakiki, there is a major problem with all of your comments. You're treating a short story like a power essay; This is not right. Essays are meant to be short and to the point, delivering information and the main idea with a minimum of words, in a very plain, unfancy way. Fiction, on the other hand, relies more on a "narrator" tone of voice. Cutting fiction down to the bare bones doesn't help it at all; in fact, it ruins the narrative tone of voice, and reduces it to dry literature. Essays need shorthand, which is what you've described in those editorials. Fiction needs longhand, a slower, more sedate pace, with description, since you're describing a world in words. | | #15 wakiki[154698] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | I highly disagree. I believe that having words that do not serve a purpose actually creates clutter and detracts from the power of the words. :| It's good to use long, complex sentences in descriptions, but not in the action, in my opinion. Which is why I think Keanu's ambience descriptions are very powerful, while his description of the action is less powerful.
Of course, this is all opinion, why are we debating this? As long as Keanu continues to receive my comments positively, I will continue doing this. If one of you guys disagrees, you should write a critique of your own. The more varying viewpoints he gets, the better he will be able to understand what his readers are liking / disliking. | | #16 Asmodues[154699] | | fltg-dslttc1-30.fltg.net | But I'm lazy :/
Making fun of you is the limit of my ambitions. | | #17 wakiki[154702] | | cable-68-186-201-180.mtv.al.charter.com | | Well, it actually doesn't take as long as it would seem, unless copy / paste is broken for you :) | #18  [154703] | | d141-165-127.home.cgocable.net | | 110% agree with Asmodues. | | #19 [154704] | | ip68-230-2-63.ph.ph.cox.net | | dag you seriously need to get on aim | | #20 [154705] | | d141-165-127.home.cgocable.net | | whenever I get on you're gone!! | | #21 0932a;sdlfjkl;[154734] | | CPE00508d5bb46b-CM00e06f16610c.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com | | Al-Wala'u wa Al-Bara' | | #22 Nrj[DM][154746] | | h16n3c1o838.bredband.skanova.com | | A br, or a novell. Wich one of those? Any way, nice reading :) |
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