"OMFG!!! NEWBIES SHUT UP NOW!!! TOSS CAN COMPETE THATS WHY I AM 35-0 WHEN IM TOSS VS ZERG. I BEAT 1500 ZERGS, AND THE-FEARED CLAN"
-DarkHawk
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| Battle of the Century - UpgradedKakaru Vs. Twip | | | Author: | | | IP: | XXXX | | Date: | 09/13/99 06:09 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Fizban_: 7.0000 |  | UpgradedKakaru Vs. Twip
Chat Room Antics
It was a rather good day for me, and as I came down the stairs, a rather appealing idea came to me. I felt like Starcraft. But before I could boot up my precious Brood War, i decided it would be nice to check out the BR.com, to see if anything new arrived. Just as the page loaded, my eye was drawn to something. YRM report, I had to check it out. I read through it, a rather good read, but not quite as good as the one involving me, for just that reason. So, as I knew that I would never be able to get my name back into here since YRM was going off, I decided it would be a nice change to do a BR. With this happy thought in my head, i trotted off to the wonderful world of Battle.net to try my luck to find a game. A quick /join nohunters brought me into a delightful place, full of people looking for games.
Two such people provided me with a nice game to watch. One of them, a flying, beret-wearing critter named UpgradedKakaru, was very happy to talk with me. I asked if we could do a best of three series, since those would give me the most stuff to write about, but he noted that it was midnight where he was, Paris, the city of love. Being as simple-minded as I am, i didn't realize the meaning of this comment until the end of the game, when I asked the two combatants if they would like another game. Well...enough about the Croissant-Loving Kakaru. *awkward pause*. The other contestant, a fair-haired Cat my the name of Twip, was more than willing to challenge Le Kakaru, after his supper of Meow Mix and Milk. His feline hunger sated, the friendly kitty said he was ready to play, so started off to make the game.
A quick alt-tab out of BW and an double click, my random map generator chose map that would be fought on, a new one to me, Rosewood. This was satisfactory to me, so I alt-tabbed back in and created the game, using my infamous name/pass of Fiz/Ban. Laughing maniacally, I waited for my two unknowing victims to wander in. They did not disappoint me. Le Kakaru was the first to come, stumbling into the chat room, mumbling something about him drinking too much wine. Twip the Cat followed shortly after, started conversation with an exuberant *meow*. After typing in a few phrases, I suddenly realized that I didn't have any sound. This would have to be remedied. The two contestants dilly-dallied in the chat room while i set up my speakers, adjusting the volume to a tolerable level. I came back into the room with to see an impatient Frenchman singing an ol' drinking tune while the energetic cat let out its anxiety by purring loudly and carrying on a coversation with himself. Seeing that any more time spent in the room would cause one of the two to probably go insane, I set into the game, hitting the infamous OK button. Now, without further ado, I present...
The Battle of the Century
Early Game
"The Hiss and Spit"
The game started with a fleury of excitment, as I, Fizban the All-seeing, set to work the destruction of my evil scvs, which needed punishment for a crime the most henious crime imaginable. The day before, as I was sitting on the Balcony of my Sky Box atop my Command Center, I heard the four unfortunate scvs listening the the most god-awful thing my ears have ever had the misfortune of hearing, the Backstreet Boys. These weren't normal scvs, not at all, these were worse. These were Pansy Scvs, good for nothing. I had to repay their insolence. A sly grin crept across my face as I ordered them to attack one another, and seconds later, my wishes came true as four burning scvs lay in the courtyard.
With a sigh and a laugh, I lifted my Command Center into the air and sent it forth to take a look at the two contestants bases. Both of the people had randomed their races, so I had to check them out quick. Seconds later, my scouts reported back to me that Le Kakaru and Twippy Kitty had drawn Terran and Protoss respectively. This was a worthy match-up, at least in my humble opinion. Le General Kakaru had started the game with a depot/rax/depot/rax build order, getting many marines, each of which wore frilly shirts and spoke with heavy accents, as all Frenchmen do. The only exception was a lone marine, which spoke Scottish and wore blue face paint, by the name of William Wallace. His difference was his downfall though, as his Commander ordered him west, in the direction of the Protoss base, with nothing more than a flimsy rifle and his courage. Just as he started up the ramp, he spoke his only words, "Aye, Aye, Aye..." Shortly after the last Aye escaped his lips, he was tore down by the psi blades of angry English Zealots. Executor Twipfield the Cat laughed at the Scottish marine, ordering up a duo of zealots out of his dual gateways. The next few minutes were rather unexciting, with no more action going on other than both contestants ordering up buildings over their gay geysers, seeking to build up in tech. The Terran Commander queued up a pair of Factories as his protoss enemy began to warp in a 3rd Gateway and a Robotics Facility. One Comsat later, seeing the Facility, the Terran Commander ordered up 4 turrets around his base, a little much in my opinion. Soon after this, 2 tanks were set up along side the massive command center. Without knowledge of this, Twipith Felinethsent his reaver along the southernmost portion of the map, taking turret fire as he ventured a little bit too far north. Landing just before his shuttle was blown into pieces, the happy reaver sent out a happy scarab to blow up the happy scvs. In contradiction with the widespread thought that reavers were Korean, I know the truth, at least about this particular reaver. He didn't speak Korean, all this reaver did was meow. Even as the tank blasts shattered his hull, he purred and sent forth a second scarab. Seconds later, he died with a howl, a howl and a hiss.
Mid-Game
"Mains Away"
Shortly after the heroic death of the Reaver Kitten, Le Kakaru began an expansion at the starting position above his, putting up 3 tanks and a bunker. Soon after this, a wayward probe found the expansion, and reported back home that the inhabitants were not nice, not nice at all. Apperantly the French like torturing cats, as these particular soldiers were having ever so much fun torturing a nearby Bengalaas, a nearby cousin to the cat. Twip could not stand by as one of his kind was in jeopardy, so he ordered forth his army towards the expansion. The zealots skipped across the grasses, nice and happy with their Hello Kitty Backpacks secured on their backs. The dragoons amused themselves by humming the Meow Mix tune, and swung back and forth with the beat. The shuttle was driving erratically, apparently because the reaver and the driver could not decide between Hello Kitty tapes. The disagreement settled, the shuttle took its course around the ramp, dropping behind the minerals and letting loose a few scarabs into the gas-mining scvs. One triumphant voice was heard as the reaver engaged into battle with the two tanks that came over to help the scvs. The dying words of this reaver responded throughout the battlefield,
"You mess with the kitties, and the kitties mess with you."
Taking courage from their fallen compatriot, the other protoss troops stormed up the ramp and laid waste to the confused base, cratering it in mere seconds. Seeing his advantage, the protoss Executor took an expansion, fortifying it with a zealot and twin cannons. At this same time, three dropships were filled with four tanks, 4 marines, and a scv. This trio of carrying ships was starting to take off, but one of the ships pilots passed out half-way through, no doubt to the countless glasses of Champagne he had drunk in the past five minutes. It took off soon after, another frenchman coming up to take his unconscious comrade's place. The cargo was dropped on the elevated jungle above the protoss mineral line, and soon sieged. In scant seconds, shock cannons had ravanged the peon line, leaving only martyrs to Twippy the Cat's cause. Angered by the brazen attack, the protoss commander ordered his troops to attack the Terran City, properly named Le Snootyville, which was completely open to attack, without any attack units what so ever. The main base was laid waste soon after. Although the Terran troops also killed the rest of the main, they didn't have the troop count of the Pro-Kitty Protoss. This was the last straw for the French Commander, and he was forced to resign after his remaining expansions were dropped and killed by the triumphant Protoss Kitty Troops. The victory song was echoed across the battlefield as the troops of Twip marched back home.
"Hello Brother, Hello Kitty"
"Hello Gateway, Hello Kitty"
"Hello Nexus, Hello Kitty"
"Hello Bengalaas, Hello Kitty"
"Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty"
Total Elapsed Time - 26:05
Author's Notes
This is my first Battle Report in a while so I am a bit rusty. I know I can't quite get as good of rating as YRM, but I tried, so I hope I get something. I hope you enjoy this, but I know it got muddled in a few places. My own story was added for each person, and should not be taken as insulting, only funny. Any Comments or Suggestions are very appreciated.
PS. Hello Kitty is the most annoying this in this world, right next to Backstreet Boys.
Death To Them Both :D
Fizban_
| | Battle Shots! | 
I'm A Happy Reaver
Pop Goes the Marine
Tanks - 1, Probes - 2
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