"Fungee has expunged me from his hallowed friends list. Why? Because I made him add me to his MSN list under the e-mail address 'fungeeisgay@hotmail.com.'"
- |]agomar's Hardcore 4FFA
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| ??craft | | | Author: | | | IP: | aden2-14XXXX | | Date: | 01/27/00 10:01 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 4, Min: 4
Lifetime Rating for Jamellan: 7.7609 |  | Warning, do not read this report if you are sense-of-humor impaired. This is not real. What you are about to experience is only fiction and would never happen in real life...cause if it was real life it would be far too scary.
The year is 2001, and boy have things changed. Deep space has been explored. New colonies have been founded on new planets. The all-too-popular Nike symbol has been replaced with the Backstreet Boys logo.
And I, Jamellan (yours truly), could not be any farther from earth....for those of you wondering, perhaps I should take a minute to explain how we as humans have advanced so fast in the past year. Well, this is not reality. If this was reality, it would be 2000, where not-so-deep space has been explored. The only new colonies being built would be all those spore and sunkers (Haahaaa hyuck!), and Nike still has a few points up on them Millenium @#%$s!
Anyway, I was stationed on the plantet. THEEE planet!! I forget the name, but it was a small farming planet. Yes, I was in hickville. If you thought the hicks were gonna die down as technology increased, you were wrong. All the different farming families even had battles with each other once a year. It was supervised, of course, and over time it was known as big game hunting. These really stupid hicks from all over the planet would come to participate in this event. It was hardly like a real battle at all. They all just charged at each other with really big weapons of destruction, and when they were both beat down, they'd build up again and do the same thing....took all day for someone to finally win that stupid thing. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, cept for the fact that this was the only form of entertainment on this little planet and I didn't participate. So I was quite bored. And what do farmers do when they're all grown up and quite bored? Why join the marines of course. I left the planet and headed out for the terran dominion on the planet Terrania. When I first got there, they made me wait in a line to get interviewed. When it was my turn, I shook hands with a Liutenant Duke.
"Allright then. Sit down please. Now, I'm just gonna ask you a few standard questions before we give you a giant gun and a power suit. First," he pulled out a picture, "can you tell me what this is?"
"That is a gun sir."
"Good, now which end is the front?"
"That end."
"Good. Next, do you have the urge to kill good or evil."
"Uhh, evil of course."
"Excellent. And what is evil?"
"Umm..not terrans?"
"Good. Sorry about those questions. It's because you're from that big game hunting planet. Most of them know nothing of tactics or war. Well, you may go now."
"Thank you sir."
"Oh, and one more thing Jamellan. I noticed you don't have a southern accent."
"No sir."
"You'll be promoted fast in this army."
"Good to know sir."
I was in! Finally, something to do. The led me into their headquarters and into another line. As I got closer to the front, I noticed a portal or something that everyone was walking into. The guy in front of me walked in, and I was about to till a red light came on above the portal.
"Wait right there." said a guard.
The light turned green and I was motioned in. When I walked in I was zooming forward through space...kinda like in that Stargate movie except there wasn't any cool music. When I hit the end I realized I had armor on and was carrying a gun. I was now in a military base! Then, a loud voice shouted in my helmet, "Are you there private?"
"Uh, yes sir."
"Good, go this way!"
I was confused until a giant neon pink holographic arror appeared in my helmet, so I assumed that I should go that way. As I followed the arrow, I was getting closer to what looked like a really futuristic base. As I got closer, two predator-looking creatures charged toward me. Then, in my helmet, the word KILL appeared in my helmet in holographic letters...so I decided to shoot at the 2 creatures approaching me. As I shot them, my bullets seemed to be deflecting off some sort of shield on them. I wanted to turn and run the other way, but the word NO appeared in my helmet and I got a nasty shock up the ass! Damn! So I decided to run anyway.
"AIEEEEEEE!" The shocks to my ass grew ever more painful the longer I ran, finally so unbearable that I just turned around and started shooting again. After a few more rounds, I seemed to finally pierce through the shields of one of them. I shot it through the head and it vanished in a puff of smoke! What the hell? Is this some sick twisted training simulation? Some more marines came over the hill and took care of the other one. The word KILL appeared in my helmet again, so I just decided to shoot whatever wasn't on my side. As I moved in closer to the base, I tripped on something and fell over on my face. As I got up, I noticed it was one of those damn bengalasses!!!
"All you do is get in the way!! DIE!!" And with that, the bengalass was quickly taken care of. Those things were damn annoying back on my planet. You'd try to lay a new crop foundation, but you couldn't because those damn bengalasses would be in your build path! I saw more and more marines come over the hill and we destroyed the rest of the base. When it was dead, the arrow appeared in my helmet again and pointed toward the base that I appeared from. When I got back, the words GOOD JOB appeared in my helmet and my armor fell apart into little pieces. My gun, too, fell apart. Some guards came and we were all lead into another line which seemed to lead to another portal. As I got closer to the front of the line, I saw some bulldozers come in and scoop up all the gun and armor parts. Then, move construction vehicles came in and destroyed the rest of the military buildings....this was all pretty wierd. I thought war would make a little more sense than this. I could only wonder what would happen from here...
Well, I hope this story wasn't too #$%$ed up. I never can tell till someone tells me :P |
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