"In the air I had floating an engineering bay, a barracks, a factory, and 5 command centers."
-.Praetor
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| The Adventures of Jamellan | | | Author: | | | IP: | aden2-14XXXX | | Date: | 02/19/00 03:02 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 6, Min: 6
Lifetime Rating for Jamellan: 7.7609 |  | This is just a repost of all the previous parts plus the newest one. You can go ahead and delete the separate parts if you want...this way ppl don get confused as much :P
Warning, do not read this report if you are sense-of-humor impaired. This is not real. What you are about to experience is only fiction and would never happen in real life...cause if it was real life it would be far too scary.
The year is 2001, and boy have things changed. Deep space has been explored. New colonies have been founded on new planets. The all-too-popular Nike symbol has been replaced with the Backstreet Boys logo.
And I, Jamellan (yours truly), could not be any farther from earth....for those of you wondering, perhaps I should take a minute to explain how we as humans have advanced so fast in the past year. Well, this is not reality. If this was reality, it would be 2000, where not-so-deep space has been explored. The only new colonies being built would be all those spore and sunkers (Haahaaa hyuck!), and Nike still has a few points up on them Millenium @#%$s!
Anyway, I was stationed on the plantet. THEEE planet!! I forget the name, but it was a small farming planet. Yes, I was in hickville. If you thought the hicks were gonna die down as technology increased, you were wrong. All the different farming families even had battles with each other once a year. It was supervised, of course, and over time it was known as big game hunting. These really stupid hicks from all over the planet would come to participate in this event. It was hardly like a real battle at all. They all just charged at each other with really big weapons of destruction, and when they were both beat down, they'd build up again and do the same thing....took all day for someone to finally win that stupid thing. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, cept for the fact that this was the only form of entertainment on this little planet and I didn't participate. So I was quite bored. And what do farmers do when they're all grown up and quite bored? Why join the marines of course. I left the planet and headed out for the terran dominion on the planet Terrania. When I first got there, they made me wait in a line to get interviewed. When it was my turn, I shook hands with a Liutenant Duke.
"Allright then. Sit down please. Now, I'm just gonna ask you a few standard questions before we give you a giant gun and a power suit. First," he pulled out a picture, "can you tell me what this is?"
"That is a gun sir."
"Good, now which end is the front?"
"That end."
"Good. Next, do you have the urge to kill good or evil."
"Uhh, evil of course."
"Excellent. And what is evil?"
"Umm..not terrans?"
"Good. Sorry about those questions. It's because you're from that big game hunting planet. Most of them know nothing of tactics or war. Well, you may go now."
"Thank you sir."
"Oh, and one more thing Jamellan. I noticed you don't have a southern accent."
"No sir."
"You'll be promoted fast in this army."
"Good to know sir."
I was in! Finally, something to do. The led me into their headquarters and into another line. As I got closer to the front, I noticed a portal or something that everyone was walking into. The guy in front of me walked in, and I was about to till a red light came on above the portal.
"Wait right there." said a guard.
The light turned green and I was motioned in. When I walked in I was zooming forward through space...kinda like in that Stargate movie except there wasn't any cool music. When I hit the end I realized I had armor on and was carrying a gun. I was now in a military base! Then, a loud voice shouted in my helmet, "Are you there private?"
"Uh, yes sir."
"Good, go this way!"
I was confused until a giant neon pink holographic arror appeared in my helmet, so I assumed that I should go that way. As I followed the arrow, I was getting closer to what looked like a really futuristic base. As I got closer, two predator-looking creatures charged toward me. Then, in my helmet, the word KILL appeared in my helmet in holographic letters...so I decided to shoot at the 2 creatures approaching me. As I shot them, my bullets seemed to be deflecting off some sort of shield on them. I wanted to turn and run the other way, but the word NO appeared in my helmet and I got a nasty shock up the ass! Damn! So I decided to run anyway.
"AIEEEEEEE!" The shocks to my ass grew ever more painful the longer I ran, finally so unbearable that I just turned around and started shooting again. After a few more rounds, I seemed to finally pierce through the shields of one of them. I shot it through the head and it vanished in a puff of smoke! What the hell? Is this some sick twisted training simulation? Some more marines came over the hill and took care of the other one. The word KILL appeared in my helmet again, so I just decided to shoot whatever wasn't on my side. As I moved in closer to the base, I tripped on something and fell over on my face. As I got up, I noticed it was one of those damn bengalasses!!!
"All you do is get in the way!! DIE!!" And with that, the bengalass was quickly taken care of. Those things were damn annoying back on my planet. You'd try to lay a new crop foundation, but you couldn't because those damn bengalasses would be in your build path! I saw more and more marines come over the hill and we destroyed the rest of the base. When it was dead, the arrow appeared in my helmet again and pointed toward the base that I appeared from. When I got back, the words GOOD JOB appeared in my helmet and my armor fell apart into little pieces. My gun, too, fell apart. Some guards came and we were all lead into another line which seemed to lead to another portal. As I got closer to the front of the line, I saw some bulldozers come in and scoop up all the gun and armor parts. Then, move construction vehicles came in and destroyed the rest of the military buildings....this was all pretty wierd. I thought war would make a little more sense than this. I could only wonder what would happen from here...
Well, I hope this story wasn't too #$%$ed up. I never can tell till someone tells me :P
When we last left Jamellan he had joined the marines, fought in a battle, and felt very trippy.
I stepped through the portal again and got to go through all that cool space traveling stuff. When I reached the end I found myself in a giant stadium where I was told to take a seat by one of the guards. A giant voice boomed over the stadium speakers.
"Well done men. You have all succeeded. Now I know that you did not fight in the same battles, but you're all here and still alive, and that makes you all winners...except for one of you...Jamellan! Come forth!"
What the hell? I didn't do anything, but did as I was told. The voice spoke again...
"Jamellan, you are charged for killing a member of an endangered species."
"What species?"
"The ever rare bengalass."
Aw shit. Who cares if they're an endangered species?!?! They're damn annoying!!!
"Your punishment will be a suicide mission. You will suit up in marine armor and armament and go forth to the the planet Aiur. You will also be equipped with a nuclear device."
Aiur? Where the hell was that.
"Upon reaching Aiur, you must travel to Templarnia, the biggest city on Aiur. Upon entering to the city, you will set the nuke and blow up the city. If you succeede, you will be cleared of all your guilt and be alive. If you fail, you be dead, just like the poor bengalass you assassinated. You have 20 minutes to get ready to your voyage to Aiur."
I was lead to a locker room and told to suit up. While I was putting on my armor someone spoke.
"Well howdy Jamellan!"
I looked back. It was Billy Bob, the old big game hunting champion back on my planet.
"How's it goin Billy."
"Well, better than you that's fer sure AAAHYUUUUCKKK! Anyway, I am sorry fer yer predicament, and I want to help. Please take Mr. Slashy with you."
"Mr. Slashy?"
"Yyyup. He's my pet zerglin. The only tame zerglin in the universe. He's very loyal, and a good attack dog..er..zerglin. Cmere Slashy!"
I heard something running into the locker room. A zergling charged in and jumped up on Billy Bob!
"Whoa! Watch it there Mr. Slashy! You almost got my jugular with yer claw that time. Down boy...well, if you want him to love you, just feed him these lil malt balls here."
He handed me a giant box of malt balls. I opened it up and tossed a couple down at Slashy. It gobbled em down real quick and looked at me. Noticing I now posessed the box of malt balls, Mr. Slashy promptly lunged at Billy Bob and hacked him up into little bits.....from this moment on NO ONE was takin this box of malt balls away from me!!!!! To cover up the bloody mess, I cleverly placed an empty can of spagetti o's on the ground and walked away.
I met up with some guards and they escorted me to a dropship. I got on board with Mr. Slashy following closely behind. I was strapped into a seat and Slashy was put in the prisoner compound part of the ship for safety reasons. We were soon off and on our way to Auir. The pilot spoke.
"So, you got assigned the Aiur penalty too huh?"
"So I'm not the first then?"
"Hell no, you'd be about the 79th person to do this. It really is quite suicide down there, what with the protoss and zerg fighting."
"Who's the protoss and zerg?"
Well, to spare you all from learning again what you already know, we will skip the protoss and zerg info part which took about 10 minutes of explanation.
"Shit!" was my reply.
"Yea. Well, we're close enough to the drop point now. Good luck soldier."
And with that I heard a zzzzz sound and then magically found myself in a quiet, peaceful valley. I guess I was on Aiur. Mr. Slashey made it to along with my nuclear bomb and supplies. Luckily, it was all on a hovering....thing, so I wasn't gonna have to put much effort into lugging it around.
"Well, I wonder which way is Aiur. Guess that's part of the punishment," I said out loud.
"Cmon Slashy." I chose a random direction and headed out that way. After about 6 hours of walking in a pointless direction, I found myself in the middle of a forest and decided to make camp for the night. I looked through the supplies to see what my choices for dinner were....all I was was a 3 gallon jub of water and a 50 lb sack of corn nuts....yummy yummy. But I was starving so I really didn't care. I had a nice meal of corn nuts, while slashy ventured out and came back with a dead animal of some sort and proceded to hack the damn thing up in front of me. After eating I was tired and laid up against a tree for a pillow. Mr. Slashy had to goto the bathroom before he went to bed which was also disgusting to watch....kinda like a fish taking a shit (when's it gonna end???). He then came over to me and I fed him a few more malt balls. He then laid down on me and went to sleep. As cute as this was, it felt like I was holding a couple bowling balls in my lap, although I wasn't about to push him off and get him pissed. After my lap was numb, I was finally able to goto sleep.
I woke up when Slashy decided to jump off my lap and smack my helmet with his tail. It wasn't morning yet, but Slashy seemed disturbed. Then I heard something move off in the distance. It seemed to slowly grow closer to our camp! I could see bushes moving, but no animal or whatever it was. Then the movement stopped...and a voice that sounded British spoke.
"What the devil are you doing here?"
"Show yourself!" O commanded.
"Oh, I think not. That is my specialty you see. But, if it helps, I am standing right in front of you."
"Who are you."
"My name is Gregory. I am a stealth warrior, also known as a dark templar. May I assume your here to try and blow up Aiur with a nuke."
"How did you know?"
"My dear boy, I have met with all of the previous terrans that have come to our planet with visions of nuking Aiur...and I have killed them all!"
"Aw shit."
"Oh, but you see, I dare not use my stealth skills to beat you. Oh no. I would rather test your intellect, for there is no one greater than me! Therefore, I challenge you to a game of chess! If you refuse, then I will have to slice you up."
"Well, I guess I accept then huh!"
"Very good. Would you like some tea? I do always bring too much with me."
"Oh, why thank you very much."
Gregory made up some tea and pulled out a chess board and pieces, although it all just looked like it was floating around, him being invisible and all.
"One more thing," Gregory said, "In my version of chess, anything goes, best of luck to you."
I didn't know what he meant by that. He went first but didn't move anything and said it was my turn. I was ocnfused and moved one of my pieces. His second turn consisted of the same awkwardness. After about seven turns of doing nothing he said, "Check!"
"What the hell do you mean check?!?! You haven't moved a single piece all game!"
"On the contrary, my friend. I have secretly snuck a cloaked pawn behind your back and is about to assassinate your king! Oh how I love chess! Jolly good!"
I guess that's what he meant by anything goes. This pissed me off so I took my gun, pointed it to his king, and unloaded a couple rounds into it.
"Checkmate," i said, "I just blew the @#$% out of your sorry-ass king."
"OHHHHHHHHH fiddle sticks!!! You have won this round, clever terran, but I'll be back!!!" and with that he was gone. "What a poor sport," I thought to myself, "but he did make some good tea." Slashy, during all this, was still searching for the noise that disturbed him about 10 minutes ago. I called him back and fed him a few more malt balls. He quickly went back to sleep, but not on my lap this time. I laid up against the tree again and fell fast asleep, only wondering what would happen tomorrow....
I awoke the next day to find some birds pecking at his food supply. After blowing them away with my gun, I packed up camp to continue my journey across the surface of Aiur.
I didn't get far before I came upon a Protoss encampment. From what I could make out, it was 2 cannons, a pylon, and 4 zealots. I was about to walk around when I heard one of the zealots shout, "Incoming!" I looked in the other direction and saw a small army of zerg attack the protoss. As the zerg army advanced, I noticed one of the hydralisks quickly dig a hole in the ground and hide in it.
After a few minutes, the protoss encampment was destroyed leaving 3 zerglings and 3 hydras. The remains of the army went over to the spot where the hydra burrowed and dug him out.
"What the hell are you doing Lisk Lisk?" One of the hydras yelled. I assumed it was the leader of the army.
"Ohhhhhhh, me no wanna kill....me no wanna get killed either...why me in army????"
"You have no choice. All hydralisks must do battle with all enemies!"
"Ahh? Well then me no wanna be a hydralisk...me wanna be a larva."
"You're an idiot! I'm gonna have to take you into custody where you will be tried by our cerebrate leader."
"Oh nooo!! Me no wanna face Blackblurd! Aieeee!!"
This now imprisoned hydralisk started crying and screaming like a girl. I decided to intervene since this hydralisk might be of use to us. I also decided to intervene because some Japanese anime battle music started playing which turned the zerg army in our direction.....
"Oooooo Slashy san, ATTACK!!!!"
Slashy jumped in the air. As he came down upon the zerg army, a wierd whirlwind background appeared behind him. He froze for a minute in the air, then came down upon one of the zerglings and sliced in in 2. The hydras took more interest in me as I charged them. They spit some kind of green goo at me.
"WAAAAAAAA!" As the goo shot towards me, I did a backflip followed by a couple of quick sidesteps. I then thrust my hand forward and cut off one of the hydralisk's head with some ninja stars.....where the hell did those come from? After recovering from my confusion, I jumped about 20 feet in the air. As i came down, I cut another one of the hydralisks in half with my samurai sword.
"Well done, terran. But those hydras were weak and flabby." With that he advanced toward me with his two arm claw thingies. A sudden orgy of realization came over me as i realized that I don't know how to fight with a sword, don't know where the sword came from, and that I did have a gun. With that I filled the hydra leader with holes. Before he died, though, he gurgled out, "Suck it!"
I looked over in Slashy's direction and saw him running around in a circle filled with zergling parts. I pet him on the head and fed him a few malt balls. The imprisoned hydra then approached us.
"Wow, you very skillful terran and even command zerg army."
"Um, not really. I have a pet zergling."
"With your zerg army we go kill Blackblurd."
"I don't have a zerg army, just a zergling!"
"We rebel! Two zerg armies will collide!"
"I don't have an army you fool!!!!"
"REBELLATION WITH ZERG ARMY!!!!!!!"
"Will you shut up you @#$%ing RETARD!!!" I beat the hydra on the head with my gun.
"OW! Ok! Me shut up."
"Who are you?"
"My name Lisk Lisk. I from Blackblurd's hive."
"Who is Blackblurd?"
"He my cerecrate leader."
"What are cerebrates."
Lisk Lisk explains what cerebrates are...we will skip this.
"Ah I see. Do you happen to know where the protoss city of Aiur is?"
"Um, yea."
....there was a long pause where I finally decided to ask, "So where is it?"
"It be across bridge that Blackblurd guards."
"With what, a small army?"
"No, his entire hive stationed on bridge."
"Ah, so could you point us in the direction of this bridge?"
"Only if I follow you."
"Ok, fine. Let us go then."
As we were about to head toward Blackblurd's hive, I heard a familiar voice not too far away.
"I see the zerg have destroyed the protoss encampment that was supposed to decimate you, my boy. It seems I have to intervene yet again."
"Are you going to fight me this time Gregory?"
"Of course not, silly boy. I have brought yet another challenge with me. Care for a intellectual game of Battleship, my boy?"
"Yea, anything beats trying to shoot at an invisible protoss."
"Jolly good. No tea for you this time though."
"Dammit."
"Oh, and as stated before, anything goes!"
Yay! I couldn't wait to see what that meant in this game. To decide who went first, Gregory let Lisk Lisk pick. The dickhead picked Gregory which pissed me off!
"B-4."
Hmmm, a hit. I assumed it was a lucky guess. After about 15 more turns, I realized that Gregory had not missed a single time!
"Hey!" I shouted. "How come you've been hitting my ships every single turn??? You haven't missed yet!!!"
"Ahh. Well, you see, I have been standing up and peering over the board to see where your ships are!! Tis quite fun to be invisible....Ah haa haa!!!!"
Damn this bitch! With that, I turned the board around, took all his ships, and threw them up in the air.
"There! Your entire fleet has been sucked up by a whirlwind!"
"OH BLOODY HELL!!! I'm going to be up all night looking for those pieces! Once again, terran, you have evaded me for now!"
With that, the templar took off muttering swear words under his breath. I picked up my gun and walked over to Lisk Lisk where I beat him over the head again.
"OWWW! See! That why me not pick you. You no hit Lisk Lisk!"
"You pick me from now on or more beatings for you!" I was even beginning to talk like the moronic hydralisk!
As we continued on our way, we pushed through another forest. When we came to another opening, I heard many high-pitched voices.
"YEEEEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Uh oh, Gremlanites!" cried Lisk Lisk.
"What are Gremlanites?"
"They like zerglings, only they not kill, only be annoying."
With that, a Gremlanite landed on my helmet, banged on the glass, and jumped back into the trees. I glanced toward Slashy only to see him knocked off his feet and danced on by a couple of the Gremlanites....literally. I turned back around where I was able to see a giant wooden mallet come down upon my head.
SMACK!!!!!
When we last left Jamellan and the gang, they were just attacked by gremlanites and Jamellan was smacked on the head with a giant wooden mallet....OUCHORAMMA!!!......I can't believe I just said that.....
When I awoke from my impaled-mallet-syndrome, I was surrounded in darkness. I tried to stand up, but I was tied down to a chair or something. Since I had nothing better to do, I attempted to break free from my bindings....and they snapped right off....RIGHTO! Since it was dark I switched my nightvision on and looked around. All I could see was a door a few feet in front of me. As I walked over to the door, the lights in the room came on.
"AAIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!."
I quickly turned my nightvision off. Damn. That was worse than looking into the sun. A loud voice then spoke through speakers or something in the room.
"Seeeet down man!!"
I took my seat in the chair once more, and the voice spoke again.
"Deed you theenk you could eelude us forever Bill???"
"Uh, my name's not bill."
"STOP weeth your lies man. I know who you are! And you are going to do what I say man!"
The wall to the right of me started to slide down. In its place appeared a window with an animal sitting on a throne. It looked like a chiuwawa......oh god NO!!!! Then again, who else would rule the gremlanites?
"Do you reecognize mee now man?"
"Yes, but.."
"Good! Then you know what I want you to do!"
"No I don't actually."
"DAMMEET MAN! I'll say it one more time! Put nacho cheese sauce on the chilupa!"
I played along, "Um sure, no problem...I'll get right on it."
ZAP!!!!
"Aieeeee!!!!!!"
It seems they had tampered with my marine ass-shocking device!!!
"You seem to not bee taking mee seriously man, and I'm not gonna let you leeve unteel you call your peeple and tell them to change the chalupa!"
Shit! I felt a little screwed now.
"Ok, sure...do you know the number."
"I see you steel want to play games weeth mee! Weel see how much of this you can take. Play the museek!"
With that a loud song started playing....oh no! It was that "We like to party" song, but instead of saying "We like to party" over and over it went something like this....
"Pi-Pika-Pikachu, Pi-Pi-ka-Pika-Pikachu!"
I didn't realize this song could get any more annoying till now. I tried to remain calm, but quickly lost my sanity.
"ALRIGHT!! I'll call them! Show me to your telephone."
The door then opened. When I got out of the room, two gremlanites were there with giant mallets.
"Thiswaythisisthewayfollowmeplease!!!!!!"
I could barely understand it. Sounded like they drank coffee 24/7 or something. As I walked down the hall, I saw Lisk lisk and Mr. Slashy. They were both in another small room, and they were both tied up by their legs and were being hit around like pinatas. We walked down the hall some more and finally made it to the phone....I don't think the two gremlanites realized it, but my gun was sitting right next to the phone. I quickly picked up my gun and blasted the two gremlanites to chunks. I then heard lots of tiny voices.
"Aieehegonnagetawaylet'ssmashgood!!!!!"
I quickly ran over to Lisk lisk and Mr. Slashy's cell and busted down the door. The gremlanite that was batting them both around turned toward me and quickly lunged at me. I quickly sent him flying in the opposite direction. After shooting Slashy and Lisk lisk free, we ran down one of the halls hoping to find the exit. Behind us were about 5 gramlanites chasing after us, and damn were they fast as hell....it was like they were on crack or something. I would have shot them, but my arms spazzed and threw the gun behind us...probably cause the stupid writer couldn't think of anything better to do....
"Stop right there man!"
The little dog leader jumped out in front of us, and he seemed to have an uzi strapped to his back. I stopped for a moment, then punted his ass like a football. He went flying into a skylight, then out of the skylight...duh.
"I'll geet you man!"
We ran down the hall a little longer till we found a door. Upon opening it, we conviently discovered my nuke, food supplies, and what appeared to be an exit. When we closed the door behind us there was a loud SMACK. I turned around and saw 5 gremlanites mushed on the door, idiots.
"Oh me thanky you Jamellan. You hero!"
"Thanks Lisk lisk. Do you have any at all how we get to Aiur from here?"
"Yea."
.......again another silence since Lisk lisk seems to never catch on!
"Ok, which way do we go?"
"Behind you."
I turned around and saw a #$%ing huge city in the distance. Aiur! I was almost there.
"Bout time! Let's go!"
"Uh, you forget Blackblurd."
Shit. I forgot about the zerg cerebrate. I didn't even have a gun now.
"How long has Blackblurd been guarding that bridge?"
"Not very long. We arrive on planet 30 minutes before we attack protoss encampment."
"Ah, which means the protoss might be attacking his new blockade soon. So we shall wait near Blackblurds base and wait for the protoss to hopefully come and waste his ass."
It was kinda dark right now tho, so I assumed the protoss would attack the next morning. So we set up camp and awaited what tomorrow would bring.......
K, that's all fer now. I'm getting hungry :) If you enjoyed this at all you might go check out some of the other stories i've written.
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