A few weeks ago, some idiot spammed the site with pictures of swastikas. Idiots like this always do these things, and it irritates me. It irritated me further by the fact that he used the Nazi's symbol to perpetrate this crime. For this reason, the report will be reported in World War II movie style, all black and white. Now buckle in, it's time for:

For this fiction/report, I needed a WWII era game. The natural choice would be Wolfenstein 3D, but I can't seem to get it running on my computer. So I floated on over to Happypuppy, and downloaded Mortyr. The game itself has a ridiculous storyline, particularly poor gameplay, and lousy sound effects, but the graphics were nice, and it was set in WWII.

My story starts like any other, trapped within a Nazi occupied cathedral in Eastern Germany, searching for the bastard spammer so I can kneecap him. Unfortunatly, I seem to have forgotten my Black & Decker power drill and hand gun. Fortunatly, I have a handy butter knife with me. He stands, hands clasped behind his back, admiring the stained glass. Twirling the knife in my right hand, I creep forward. He still stands, unassuming, not knowing that he will soon be robbed of his kneecaps.

As I lunge towards him, he turns, utters a shocked cry, and attempts to draw his pistol. The knife catches his wrist. But being a butter knife, it mearly leaves a small white scratch. This appears to be enough, however, because he drops the pistol, and falls to the ground, crying his eyes out. Wuss.

I fumble and grasp for his pistol, when a bullet grazes my right ear. I turn to see a guardsmen, responding to his comrade's cry, leveling his rifle at me. Before I can process this, a second shot rings out, and the guardsmen crumples to the ground.

Movement to the left. A dark figure bolts towards an exit.

"Hey, wait!" I shout.
"Nein, nein!" Is the reply.

Another Nazi, and a particularly bad shot at that. Note: This really did happen, the second soldier shot his own partner. Because he is running away from me, and has his back turned, I decide to give him a sporting chance. Thus I pick up the rifle of his fallen companion, level it between his shoulder blades, and end the threat of the wimpy Nazi.

I make my way from where the two guardsmen have entered, and find a hatch leading to the basement area of the cathedral. There were two guards sitting at a table, smoking cigarrettes, reading what was undoubtedly child pornography (knowing Nazis). Rather then give them the same chance that the last soldier had, the two are dispatched before they can surrender. In a far corner of the basement is an exit. With a huge burst of strength, I shoot the lock off of the door and pull it open.

Ah, fresh air. And, shockingly, there is a large Nazi castle situated nearby. There is no doubt in my mind that the Spammer resides within, sitting at his 486, spamming some other website. I make my way to the gate, where I am met with a fat, surly Nazi, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarrette. He is, as with all the others, now smeared generously on the floor. Entering the castle is fairly easy, and obtaining a better weapon from the guards, all opposition is eliminated.

Then I see him, the Spammer/ Nazi, Fruity VonDusseldorf. He sees me, drops his new copy of Child Molester Weekly, and runs. I make an attempt to stop him, but he runs into the Ladies Room and locks the door. Now I may be a relentless hunter, but I'm a gentleman dammit, and I just can't go in there. I then figure that he wil have to leave the bathroom at some point to recover his copy of Child Molester Weekly. So I sit by the door, poised to attack. Four hours later, I wake up, surrounded by guards. These guards are far worse shots that the last, and I am able to retrieve my MP-40 Shmeisser. The guards are all dispatched in short order.

After collecting my wits and some new ammunition, I continue my quest. Little did I know how close to my goal I really was...

A large set of glass doors leads to a grand ball room, marred by an enormous painting of HItler. Guards pace on the steps, but pause upon my entrance. A few shout, a few raise their weapons, and a few run. Seeing my predicament, I duck back through the doors and slap a fresh magazine into my sub-machine gun. But this will not do, because I surely do not have enough ammunition to fight them all. But I am ar to brave to retreat, and the great gamer gods open me up a window, and all of my health, weapons, and ammunition are restored.

From thin air, I produce an MG-42 machine gun. The belt fed behemoth packs more than enough punch to end the Nazi threat. Strafing into the room, I open fire on the crowd, and all but one fall: the Spammer.

Like a wimp though, he runs. He runs up into the balcony area of the ballroom, leaving a trail of urine streaming from his pantleg.

Not a problem, I think to myself. I can wait. And wait I do. I return to the ballroom floor, keeping my eye on him. I wait, and wait, and wait. He does not move. Then I realise the error of my ways. He what is know as the "spam-and-run" varient of spammers. A coward at best. And a Nazi to boot. This angers me further.

I resolve to do something about it. The MG-42 dissappears, and I produce a weapon so terrifying that I can hear his poop his pants when he sees it. The Panzerfaust. A rocket launcer circa 1944. Kneecapping this scum will not suffice, and for the hell I have been through, this seems like reasonable punishment.

Game over.

I'm not sure what you would consider this. Fiction? Report? It's kind of an odd mix. I don't really know what to consider it. If you (the Administrators) feel that this is innapropriate, feel free to delete it. I don't feel that there is anything any more violent than has been put into any other report, but that's me.

I"m sorry if the storyline offended you, but writing a report on a first person shooter is rather tough. I picked up a medkit, I killed a guard, I took some ammo, opened a door... That's no good. The fact that someone posted Nazi symbols on the site gave me something to go on, and a new backstory to overwrite the absurd backstory that accompanies the game. I do not advocate violence against others in real life, just in video games =]

I highly recommend downloading the demo of this game (28 megs), but do not reccommend purchasing it, because it sucks. It can be fun for a few minutes, and since I spent a few minutes downloading it, I kinda broke even.

Hope you enjoyed reading (for those of you who are still here), stay tuned for another innoveation from Squeaky Productions in the near future. (credits in color because I'm lazy)

Good luck to whoever gets the first comment, I won't be a greedy bastard and steal it. =]