"His girlfriend just broke up with him. Two days before valentines day. So if I lose, it's out of pity."
- ZerG~LinG's A Broodwar Quickie
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| Big Bad JOHNNY_VEGAS & BIG-PENIS vs. little ole t.t.boy & breakfast | | | Author: | | | IP: | XXXX | | Date: | 06/04/99 08:06 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | Starcraft(1), Text Only(1) | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 10, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for T.T.Boy: 7.1250 |   | Prologue:
Well, I was hanging out in NoHunters as usual when Big-Penis asks if anyone wants a 2v2. I happily reply sure, he says he has a partner, do I? No, I didn't but after a few requests to the 10% of the NoHunters channel not currently afk, breakfast agreed to play.
Well in the pre-game chat, I see Big-Penis's partner is non other than the famous Johnny-Vegas. I ask if we can switch up partners since I can see the writing on the wall before the game even starts. They politely decline and the battle is joined.
The Arms Race:
I start random terran upper right, breakfast is random zerg lower middle, Johnny_Vegas picked terran upper left, and Big-Penis picked zerg lower left.
The map is a 256x128 brood war map which breakfast and I quickly, but not quickly enough to prevent early barracks and spawning pool builds, find out is an island type map similar to Snowbound. Once we see islands we quickly start gas and I go for the early Command Center float with floating barracks support. Breakfast starts preparing for a hydra drop.
Breakfast's scouting overlords had found the position of the enemies' encampments, and once my comsats finished I scanned to see lots of Big Penised hydras loading up into overlords. I didn't see much activity at Johnny's base probably cause I just missed the dropships leaving the base.
Breakfast had started to load up his overlords, but unloaded to meet the threat enroute to his base.
Rivers of blood:
About a dozen long schlong hydras drop to the lower left of breakfast's main and engage about a dozen pancakes, bacon, and juice hydras who would have held off the enemy intruders if not for two Johnny_Vegas tanks that have sieged behind the evil one-eyed monster hydras. Breakfast calls on his trustworthy partner t.t.boy for help, alas, I have not a single dropship, nor wraith to send (I know call me a newbie). Breakfast's main and all its inhabitants are reduced to the consistency of scrambled eggs. Breakfast does manage to rebuild from two expansions but is never able to mount a threat against the enemy.
I finally get two dropships about the time the last of breakfast's building at his main goes splat. I load up two tanks and eight go-go-go boys and head to a Big-Penis expansion. I unload behind the minerals and blast about 10 well-endowed drones and a couple hydras. I'm feeling good, all warm and fuzzy, when 10 3/3 Big-Penis mutas ejaculate all over my poor 1/1 marines, killing them and my armored division in about 2 seconds. On the way back to basecamp the now lonely dropship pilots accidentally uncover the beginnings of a Johnny_Vegas tank and goliath assault on a breakfast club expansion. The dropships are dropped like flies.
T.T.Boy beats off (not literaly) Johnny_Vegas:
Right after that Johnny_Vegas lands around six tanks and six goliaths with two valks and a science vessel for support on my low ground expansion. Luckily for me, on this map my main was on a plateau with this expansion on the low ground to the left. I was able to fight the attack with turrets and tanks positioned on the high ground at my main. The arclite cannons roared and roared back. I pulled several scv's off of standing around duty (my main was mined out), and with the repairs to my tanks I was able to blast Johnny_Vegas back to whence he came. I then cloaked my six wraiths and killed the science vessel and a valk at the loss of two brave pilots who will never more "read the waiting launch orders"
Big Penis lives up to his name:
Eventually comes another Vegas assault on my expansion which I am unable to hold off. Meanwhile Big Penis's muta swarm is finishing off the last breakfast expansion. The Big Unit now turns his attention to me. The hung mutas rip apart my main like it is not even there, shrapnel flying from one soldier to the next hitting everything and everyone. Oh the humanity. I lift off what buildings I can and hightail it out of there hoping to hide long enough to secure an allied victory.
As the last of my stationary structures explodes under the hail of thousands of bouncing muta projectiles, I ask (some might say beg) for an allied victory. The honorable Johnny_Vegas acceeds, but the big penis is silent and I fear has more mutas searching for me, about to do me a John Wayne Bobbitt. (I don't blame you Penis it is your right to obliterate every last trace of your vanquished foes). As my poor little last starport goes yellow, then red, then boom, I wish my opponents a gg and say goodbye cruel world.
Lessons learned:
Coordinate attacks, the combined early hydra tank force was too much against one person's defense.
If opponents choose the map, ask if it is islands.
Quotes:
T.T.Boy- "Hey you didn't tell us this map was islands!"
Johnny_Vegas- "You didn't ask"
About the author:
T.T.Boy is 34 year old married father of two from Detroit, Michigan who can only steal four or five hours a week to play Brood War. TT has been playing video and computer games since before many of you have been born. He was weaned on Space Invaders, Asteriods, Defender, Galaga, etc. and could beat the best when he could spend 24/7 playing.
His favorite computer games have been Empire, Conquered Kingdoms, Lost Admiral, Warcraft II, and Starcraft/BroodWar.
You may e-mail the author at TGALLAG2@FORD.COM with any request for game tips, philosophy of life, autographed copies of this battlereport etc.
Kudos to Mark4 et al. for the excellent battlereports.com site. I don't think I've been to the forum since this site launched.
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