"Jap is a racist slur which I believe is an insult towards jewish people."
-Red6
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| Elephant Parts: Part One | | | Author: | | | IP: | 209-239-XXXX | | Date: | 05/14/00 06:05 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 3, Max: 6, Min: 6
Lifetime Rating for DivvyO: 7.7143 |  |
ELEPHANT PARTS
Part One: The Advantages of Turtling
Behold the second report coming from the field reported by DivvyO. Today we are going to hear the sad story of one 3ls, who is most likely doomed to spend the rest of his days as a total, utter, dirty, filthy, poor, chobo, bottom-feeding newbie (although slightly more popular after this report). EP Part Zero got a 6.5, this part will probably get lower. In the vast tradition of my reports, it is text-only save for one picture at end-game.
Ah, Mothers Day, and my mom is 150 miles away. Will I send her flowers? Will I visit her? Will I give her a call?
Hells no, there's Starcraft to be played.
I log on, notice nobody of importance in nohunters, and start up the good ol "1v1 on temple" and wait to see what bites. Lo and behold, the not-quite-famed 3ls decided to join in and test himself against my ... uh ... new name, G@Y~DivvyO.
THE GAME BEGINS
3ls chose TERRAN at 6:00
G@Y~DivvyO drew PROTOSS at 12:00
Destined to live up to my ... uh ... new, clan-friendly name, I sent out my 5th probe (anything less just wouldn't be as gay) clockwise, and run into the good ol 3ls's boys at the bottom position. Great. That means I'm going to run into his tanks on his cliff pounding at me and defending the natural all at the same time. My scouting probe finds not much yet, only a barracks and a supply depot, so after harassing an SCV (you might be bigger than me, but I got this nifty blue wave crap coming out of my head), he heads off to outside 3ls's natural where he will stay until further called upon.
I decided on my strat, massive goon containment. My build order went as follows ...
8 pylon
9 gate
11 gate
13 core
13 assimilator
14 probes goons and pylons until you hit 200*
(* not an actual build order, do not try at home)
FIRST BLOOD (vapor?)
After I got the cyber core up and running, it was time to check on the opponent o' mine. I sent 3 zealots (yeah yeah, I know it's not part of the build order, so sue me) down to go check up on our little friend 3ls. What they saw suprised them, a single bunker and a missile turret at the wall. Obviously this guy was taking no chances with one of those risky wall-ins, oh dear no. In fact, his master plan probably did involve having me run 3 zealots right past his bunker and get a heap of nice information that I could use back at the base. All three zealots managed to see that there were 2 rax and an e-bay before going up in smoke like zealots usually do when they have too much mexican food and then get shot at by pesky little marines.
The recon was valuable. I was already pumping as many goons as my little macro-deprived butt could handle, and decided that it would even be safe to take my natural right now. Fearing a turbo newbie, I also built a robotics facility for shuttles that can take my probes on to the high ground and put up some cannons where the tanks would most likely want to be for defense.
Here comes the real kicker, though. 3ls didn't attack. At all. No turbo newbie, no M+M, no wraith harrasment, no irradiating templars, nothing. Throughout the entire game. Maybe he was scared of my whole 6 goons I had at the most likely time he was at the factory level, I don't know.
THE MASSING
Since 3ls made the astounding attack consisting of ... well, some rogue air particles, I continued my massing of goons. And massing. And massing. Eventually 200 supply was hit and the upgrades were going full tilt on my forges (I want my goons to be big and strong against those dirty, nasty tanks). After 200 was hit, I decided it was the proper time to attack. A group of zeals and 6 of goons rand from the center of the map down to where 3ls's natural was, but found nothing. Nothing but Arclite death from above. Tanks began firing on my masses from above, delivering alarming amounts of damage to the forces below. Dragoons popped and zealots evaporated. Any attempt to go up the ramp resulted in hot firey death involving marines in bunkers, marines out of bunkers, and marines that were just standing around flirting with the medics. My 200 support was cut down to about 80, mostly all of which were now probes. I also noticed that our lil' 3ls was starting to build the holy god-ship of newbie terrans: battlecruisers.
THE MASSING, PART 2
NOTE: Battlecruisers, when massed, can hose just about anytihng Protoss, except for carriers, templars, scouts, and occaisionally archons (both of the dark and the ... normal variety). So what did I do? Dragoons dragoons dragoons. Dragoons up the ass. It didn't matter. No temps, no reavers, just goons. I didn't care. This guy was a turtle and by god I was going to crack him like the little bitch he was. I eventually massed another 6 or so groups of goons and went in. What did I get for my trouble?
Nothing.
Zero.
Jack f***ing s***balls.
Not even did his ramp fall to my massive amounts of goons that could not stop pouring in to his base. I was depressed beyond belief. This terran weasel just hosed 2 major attacks without losing all that much, all while mining out of one non-BGH sized base. I was at a loss of what to do, so I did what any self respecting member of my one-man clan would do:
be GAY.
And not just any gay, oh no. 3ls deserved a special brand of gay. A gay reserved for only the best occaisions. Noticing that all of his forces were tucked nicely away in his base, I started building cannons outside the entrance to his natural. And more cannons. And more cannons. Eventually I had to go up to the 9:00 main and the 3:00 natural's cliff to build more cannons. I was going to surround this guy as much as i possibly could. The lost temple was MINE and I wasn't going to let any of those naughty redneck terrans put their greasy mitts on it.
CRISIS
Then, something unxpected happened. Due to a most likely lack of resources, 3ls expanded to his natural, and moved almost all of his forces to right outside my cannons. Even still, he did not notice that I put up enough of the little guys to cover a (nearly) straight line across the map.
Eventually, a lone tank, aided by, well, notihng, went into siege mode near one of my cannons. The jig was up, I was spotted. I had to take this guy out once and for all. Fortunately, I had my typical force of mass goons, as well as archons as opposed to zealots to take care of that pesky infantry. I ran in and met him head-on, and that's when the poo poo really hit the ceiling fan. Noticing that 3ls had science vessels, I feared for the life of my archons while they were making Kentucky Fried Infantry out of 3ls's forces. However, no EMP was fired. And when the inevitable 6 (six) battlecruisers came, no yamato was fired either. Apparently 3ls noticed that after I didn't cast a single psi-storm or gayweb, he decided to not use any spells either. Spells are for wussies anyways. You heard me. You wuss.
END GAME
After a long, drawn out battle involving it's share of blood, sweat, psi fumes, and Maurichan brand Goon Soup, I was the victor. My spoils were 3ls's expansion and eventually, the game.
Feel free to spam the comments section to your heart's content, especially you, Limp.
This has been a DivvyO production. Hope you like reading it, I'm going to go give mom a call. You should too.
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