So while I search for this Holy Grail of fights, I will present to you one of the many that just ... well, just didn't really cut it, but was a fun match anyway.

The following battle didn't occur on BGH. It didn't even occur on Temple. It was a little known map where a friend of mine and I decided to duke it out for all the marbles. This map was Trench Wars, a 3 player 64x64 map that you can see here. I randomed and received Terran, while my friend drew Protoss.

SIDE NOTE 1: My friend has used so many different names in the past that ho has no real namesake to put to himself. For the moment tho, I will refer to him by his most popular name while playing at LANs, MadMedicLesbianSex.

I landed my faithful, trusted, PTC approved command center at the 6 o'clock starting position, while MadMedicLesbianSex ploiked his dirty, filthy, bottom feeding nexus down at the 10 ... 10:30 ... uh ... top left spot. Peons began mining and we were off.

As the 5th peon popped out of my starting facility, I sent it in a straight up direction. I didn't know this map, and wanted to get as much of a bearing on it as possible so I knew what types of territory I could brutally exploit with eventual tanks.

Right as I left, however, a probe skittered its little mechanical butt down to my base as well. The tiny bastard had no desire to act friendly, and pointed its head (head? sensor array? sexual organ?) right at my command center and began firing its little rock cutting whatever at it. More than an annoyance than anything else, I pulled one of my SCVs off of rock duty and gave him the command to bitchslap the little scout with extreme prejudice. Once the little puss-whipped probe saw my big, macho, obviously-well-endowed SCV come over to give out a free ass-whooping, he turned his tail and ran home to momma.

While this happened, My little lone SCV found MadMedicLesbianSex's base as well. Knowing the position of my opponent, I continued to run the SCV ragged around the rest of the map so I knew of possible expansion locations.

I continued pumping SCVs until I could get a depot and 2 raxes up. I didn't want to heavy metal. I wanted to end this quickly and efficiently with some M+M before MadMedicLesbianSex could warp himself a Templar Archives. As the second rax came up, however, I noticed a new red dot on my minimap. A red dot that was a lot closer to my base than MadMedicLesbianSex's. Further recon showed a pylon warped in, and 2 cannons on the way.

The little bastard was cannoning me in, and being awfully ballsy about putting it so close to my main. I couldn't possibly take out two soon-to-be-warped cannons with 2 marines, but I could not let them warp without a fight. I did what any reasonable man would do, and took 12 SCVs off of my minerals to support the marines in their charge against the naughty, naughty cannon push.

SIDE NOTE 2: If this was any other text report, I'd most likely use this as a spot where I would say "stay tuned for Part 2," and never eventually get around to writing anything else regarding this fight, ever. But I'm not just any other newbie battle reporter, and this isn't just any other text-only battle report. Okay ... maybe I am, and maybe it is, but that's not the real point.

The SCVs were scared. I could sense it. Those photon cannons looked awfully menacing, even though they weren't fully warped in yet. They still found the courage within to fight, however, and laid out a heaping helping of ownage to the two warping cannons, probe, and pylon, while only losing 2 of their own.

That was it. My SCVs were hungry for blood (or whatever that blue misty kool-aid crap is that all Protoss units seem to be made of). They left one of their brethren behind to mine, and charged into MadMedicLesbianSex's main along with the 2 marines that were kicking it in my main earlier.

MadMedicLesbianSex was found trying to defend. He had another 2 cannons warping, as well as a gateway. Unfortunately for him, however, his current standing army consisted of 10 probes. The SCVs and marines began cutting into the warping cannons, and one was destroyed before MadMedicLesbianSex knew what hit him. In a pathetic attempt to save himself, he essentially sacrificed all of his probes to my invading army, killing 2 SCVs to his 10 probes. Out of money and with no real base whatsoever, MadMedicLesbianSex quit.

LESSONS LEARNED:

- TvP is imbalanced in the early early early game.
- Cheeze Rush owns offensive cannon.
- MadMedicLesbianSex. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
- DivvyO needs to stop playing Diablo 2 and find himself a real game to report.

NAMING CONTEST
Now that you have read the report and know the outcome, feel free to spam the forum with whatever you think might be a decent title for the report (as we all know, "DivvyO Does Text" just sounds waaay to corny).

Possible Suggestions:
- "I Can't Believe I Wasted 10 Minutes Out of My Day Reading This."
- "Why, Exactly, DivvyO Should Be Locked in a 20 Gallon Igloo Brand Cooler, Never to be Released Again."
- "TvP is Imbalanced."
- "Yet Another Lame Text-Only Report."
- "You Killed 53 Brain Cells, I Want A Refund."


Love,
DivvyO

P.S. First non-author that reads this gets a lolly. Just say "MadMedicLesbianSex was gay." Why? Because he is, obviously.