Ashley 0wnz the Wine Cellar   Background

        For this report, I, LiquidNasty, play Ashley Riot, a special agent of parliament and trained ass kicker. The battle being reported is an early-game event in which Ashley is discovered eavesdropping by a couple of over-zealous warriors of the cross, knights of "The Crimson Blades." 

The battle takes place along the first four rooms of the wine cellar of Leá Monde, an ancient castle said to contain ancient dark magicks and other such evil powers. To the left is a map of the first four rooms, obviously in numerical order or appearance. 1.  Worker's Breakroom 2.  Hall of Struggle 3.  Smokebarrel Stair 4.  Wine Guild Hall

        The game begins here, in the wine cellars.  The dank, underground entryway to the inner halls of Leá Monde.  I found myself standing inside a glowing blue circle of runic inscriptions. This was a save point. Impressed, I assessed my surroundings for any sign of a threat. I found nothing, save for a few gigantic kegs of vintage cabernet sauvignon and an urge to call up my college buddies and start the keg-stands.  That would have to wait, since I was on a mission. Sort of like how I always put drinking off until after my homework is done. NO sarcasm there. No, seriously. Anyway, Despite the lack of danger and the gratuitous abundance of alcohol, I didn't feel welcome. The place had a creepy air to it; such that I could sense there was evil close by.

        With nothing to fear in the breakroom, I sheathed my sword (the Fandango) and headed North through a doorway, not knowing what things waited in store for me...

        Upon entering the now titled "Hall of Struggle," I was immediately greeted by a vicious little bat. Yeah, that's right, *Squeak, squeak, squeak,* right in my face. Annoying as hell, so I whipped out my Fandango and split 'im t' ribbons, yar.

        The bat was dead, (I, unscathed,) and the room was clear, so I furthered North into the next room...

This is where the fun begins. When I walked into the large room, I heard the voices of two men, so I carefully edged along the wall as quietly as possible so as not to make my presence known. I listened in on their conversation, and soon discovered through subtle hints in their manner of speech that they were holy knights of the cross: Crimson Blades.

They were bitching about some locked door on the North face of the room. They couldn't just bash this door down, because it was locked by "magick," and every time someone  went near it, he/she/it would get a jolt of lightning up his/her/its ass. This began a brief discussion on who locked the door and by what means they locked it.

Unable to solve the mystery, they began to banter back and forth about "loafin' around" and being left behind. Shortly after, one of the knights noticed something up the stairs and in the other room. By the sound of his words, it was something of profound interest. Once they had cleared the room, I too made my way up the stairs and into the fourth and final room.

        I peeked into the room to ensure that I wasn't noticed. Their attention was focused elsewhere, so I quitely moved up against a wall below their location. They were quarreling over the use of magick, and whether or not it was right in the eyes of "The Lord."  One of the knights was questioning his own faith, and basically calling the other one a pussy. The virtuous knight responded with similar insults. 

        Unfortunately, I became startled and made enough noise that they had knowledge of my presence. I drew my sword and watched them come around the corner. I was ready for this, so I stated my rules of engagement.

        I don't know why they did what they did, but it sure made me question their status as Crimson Blades. They came at me one at a time. But the one who wasn't figting didn't just stand there. He ran up the stairs to the top of the ledge while I battled his comrade.

        The first knight went quick. I gave him a few initial blows to the chest and ribs, but before I could finish him, he smacked me in the throat with his sword, leaving a nice scar for the ladies. I finished him off with a crack in the face. Above, you can see his head exploding from the impact of my sword. Pretty.

        The second knight decided, after his partner was dead, to finally jump down from his vantage point, allowing me to get in a good body shot one his way down.
 

I managed to get in a few good hits before he had a chance to strike. After he took a pussy-ass pot-shot at me, the bitch tucked-tail and ran away from me! It wasn't hard to catch him, and one shot was all It took to put the poor bastard down for good. It was over. I won. The pillow-pushing god boys were meeting with him right then.

        I know this was an unorthodox report, and because of this fact, I have taken you people's tastes into consideration. I have included a report of the same battle with the graphics redone to fit the "Classic" style of battle reporting. I hope you enjoy my efforts.

        There it is. Finally, the end. Time for bed. Oh, and I already realized halfway through my imaging that Starcraft only shows the life-bar of the unit selected. I'm too tired to fix such a technicallity. Thanks, all!