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| The Queen of Cheezcake | | | Author: | | | IP: | 209.234.XXXX | | Date: | 10/31/02 03:10 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 5, Min: 5
Lifetime Rating for TSUNAMI: 5.0000 |  | Hi. I like Warcraft. I have a theory that great games, like Warcraft, have curative and restive power. This is why I chose to play it as I was coming down hard from my pepperoni addiction, as my mom hadn’t gone to the store in enough time to get my fix. As a result of all this, I decided that I needed to play a good game on B.net. I called my good friend up, and invited myself over to play on his (I won’t say it…oh fine) 1337 computer. Anyway, as I logged on to my account name, Lord_SoulReaver (a name conceived in the foolishness of youth), I felt the WC3 juices start to flow. I selected 2v2 and NE (I know I know, IMBALANCE-‘R-US, whatever, they still rock) from the random game screen.
As the loading screen came up, my heart sunk very heavily in my chest. There were two things very, very wrong with this game, and it hadn’t even started. First, the map was Stromgaurde, a map I had never played. Secondly, and even worse, my partner’s name- TaurenPrincess. I wondered who was across the phone line, far away, staring into the very same screen. A straight boy with a peculiar sense of humor (best case)? A newbish girl (only lvl 3)? Or a very homosexual guy (worst case)? However, there was one thing very, very good about this situation as well- TaurenPrincess was, you guessed it, Orc. In case you were wondering, my worthy opponents were Psyco_Legolas, who, you guessed it, was NE. His partner’s name was something involving a lot of numbers, and since he never even attacked, and was eliminated early, his name is unimportant. Let it suffice to say that he was Orc.
I laid aside my initial foreboding, and began to construct my base at the 11 o’clock posittion. As always, I used a very conventional NE build: 4 wisps on gold, the other building a moon well. I queued up seven more at the Tree, and assigned the first to lumber, the next to an altar, and the next to AoW, the nest to lumber, you get the picture. My partner, at the 1 o’clock, also followed a highly conventional build (with a Seer), but showed little inclination to macro, and I often had to remind him/her to build more grunts.
As I took my Priestess of the Cheesecake out to clear my gold mine with her searing arrows, I made the unpleasant discovery that Stromgaurde has some of the toughest creeps of any map. The gayass knolls almost killed me, so I shadowmelded and waited for huntress support. After clearing my gold mine, a few other spots, and investing a skill point in trueshot aura (more free cheesecake), I joined up with my dumbass partner who only has a few grunts, while I have 5 or 6 hunts. We decided to minimize the cheesyness, and not turbo-creep the enemy. Instead, we would use our small force to probe for the enemy, and see who was weakest.
At this point in the writing, the author had to make dinner.
Walks off. “FU|
We proceeded to scout the 5 o’clock, and found that the enemy Orc player was there. Our nameless enemy threw up a quick line of grunts with a Blademaster, and we saw that we could not break him without unacceptable casualties. We retreated back to the center to wait for the ultimate- Swiss Cheese A La Mode, a.k.a. bloodlust. With a swelling of my huntress ranks, a little weapon upgrading, and another point towards trueshot, we proceed back towards the Orc encampment.
Luck was with us that night, and we caught the bulk of the enemy away creeping. However, the Orc opponent showed off his newbness by splitting his forces, and leaving his grunts at home while his BM creeped with his ally. The thin (dark) line (of grunts) in the sand …er…grass fell faster than you can scream GAY IMBALANCE to the awesome power of hunts+trueshot+bloodlust. We started trashing the buildings, but just then the creeping party decided to come in fashionably late.
Their weak expeditionary force consisted of a BM, DH, and maybe six or seven hunts. However, this attempt to save the base was foolish, as we simply turned on our would-be ambushers. After we finished off the Orc main, we began searching for his expo. A long, deadly silence fell over the battlefield. After about 7-8 minutes of wandering around and pounding on random creeps, and getting mighty close to Ultimate spells, I remarked to my partner, “Its too quiet, they’re probably building lvl 3 air”. Alas, I was right.
The NE player had decided that he had had enough of our pedestrian amateurish cheeses, and that he would serve up The Most Feared Cheez Of All Time. No less than two seconds after I had spoken, ten chimeras descended like angry gods on my ally’s expo. Fully equiped with acid-spit thingy, they demolished the base in approximately the time it takes for an iron atom to travel through a linear accelerator. My ally TP’ed back to base, and started churning raiders, headhunters, and shamans. At this time I was riding wildly to the only place we had not explored yet- the 4 o’clock position. Along the way, I picked up a potion of greater healing, as well as The Second Most Feared Cheez Of All Time- Starfall. As I arrived there, I viewed the inevitable. There was a huge main, complete with Moon Well walls, ToE, and four, yes, count em, four, chimera roosts. I quickly went to work, but I knew that the chimeras would be back all to soon.
I was right, and soon the two-headed monsters were raining lightning on my defenseless huntresses. I drew them towards my priestess, and she opened up a huge can O Whoopass, Starfall. While the chimeras could have just retreated, and destroyed me at their leisure, they, or rather the person who was controlling them, decided that 9 (1 had been killed at my partners base) chimeras could kill the cheezqueen without taking too much damage. Of course, they didn’t reckon on my Potion o Healing Thingy. I managed to whittle down most of them to 1/3 health before they finally got enough current going through her veins to light up Chicago on Christmas. Deciding discretion is the better part of valor, my hunts retreated back to base.
I started my PotM’s resurrection immediately, and frantically started on archers (a bit too late though). The chimes returned to my ally’s main, and destroyed it mercilessly. My ally stayed in the game with his quake-enabled Seer and a few grunts and raiders.
The chimes came for my naked expo next, and I pumped archers for all I was worth. I sent my motley force of bowwomen to intercept the menace, but they were cruelly cut down in their heroism. It was about this time that my Priestess decided that it would be a good time to come back to life.
With some extremely quick thinking on my part, I charged up my priestess with my Wells. When the chimes came knocking, I was ready. Again, he could have just moved them away, and destroyed me with ease, but he did not, and I did, yes, my single hero, ladies and gentlemen, single-handedly destroyed an entire armada of lvl 3 air units. I took my now lvl 8 (the chime slaughter was good for exp.) Priestess of all that is cheezy and my hunts to wipe up my opponent’s main. This was easily accomplished, and ggs were exchanged. We patiently waited for Psyco_Legolas to concede. We were very patient. My ally noticed something strange about the minimap about the same time I did. “Your base,” he told me. I quickly looked at my base, and saw something very strange. There were sixteen unmounted hippogriffs hovering over my base in perfect formation. Wtf? I knew I wasn’t supposed to do it. I knew it was a trap. But my finger twitched, and I sent the most useless starfall of the game crashing down on nothing, as the hippos skipped gleefully away (well, I don’t really know if they were gleeful, but Psycho sure was). Enraged at this, I gleefully sent my army to the new main of my enemy, discovered by the Princess. He/She could only harass the choke towers with quakes, as he/she only had a few raiders and grunts. I brought up the ballistae, and waited for Starfall to recharge. As his towers fell, and I demolished 3 more chimera roosts, he revealed his final act of Psyconess. “ggg”. This was a secret code, where ggg meant that he really gave up. Anyway, victory was ours, and I was momentarily distracted before the thought of pepperoni came back to my mind, and I was filled with torment.
Hehe J/K about the pepperoni. I know, I need pics, better game, but I can’t watch the replay because this game was on 1.02, and this is probably the best game I’ve played yet. Hope you liked it. Oh ya I know its too short too.
PS If I was gay I’d imitate CB and say “This is a TSUNAMI production.”
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