Recently, I , Dark~Ferret, played a 1v1 on Dire against La_femme_fatale (sp?) with 3 observers.  When the game was over, the obs' could not contain their amusement/disgust - "you guys are the worst players I have ever watched ..." or something to that effect.   It was true; no matter how often I play BroodWar, I still suck.  I can't decide on build order, I get befuddled by early attacks, I can't micro when I do attack, etc., yada yada yada.  So I began to think, "am I really that thick?". Well, some how, I just recently won my first competitive ladder game -- despite my ineptness;  this ponders the question, am I the Forrest Gump of StarCraft?  Thus I present:

StarCraft is like
a box of chocolates

My name is Ferret, Ferret Gump. People call me Ferret Gump.  Mama never taught me to play StarCraft.  But she was right 'bout one thing, stupid is, as stupid does.  So, since I'm not a smart man, I decide to take my 1-10 Ladder record to the pubbie halls of the State University of Ass-Kicking, and get to work on increasing my loss total.

I join the following ladder game: "Bring it on." Map: Showdown.  Created by (unknown player/unknown record) herein after "Bubba the Shrimp." As soon as I join, Bubba the Shrimp says hi, starts the game, and selects Zerg.  Given my slow mental acuity, I go random.

Now, as I says, I 'aint a smart man, but Mama didn't raise no fool either; Perhaps I am right in thinking: "Bubba, maybe instead I should call you `Bubba the Shrimp a.k.a. I'm selecting Zerg on this 2 player map and I know where you are from the start so I can 4 pool'." Remember Ferret, Stupid is as Stupid does.

In fitting fashion, I materialize as terran, at the bottom of the map.  Much to my surprise, 4 little chocolates are waiting for me adjacent to my house (CC).  Slowly, I coax my little peons to collect monies for our defense.  One must treat his chocolates gently, or they will melt. I also order another of these precious chocolate peons from my little house, and when he arrives, he begins to collect money too. Once these five gentle guys have brought in $150, one chocolate, lets call her "Mama," begins a Barracks for the training of some good 'ol boys to guard the homestead, but very close to my house. Then another little chocolate is requested from the house. The moment Mama is done building the Barracks, she moseys on down behind the house amongst the other little chocolate peons and begins constructing a bunker. I also decide my family may get hungry, so I request that a shrimp Depot be constructed, but very close to the bunker, and behind the house.
(5 rax, 6 bunker, marine, depot)

Good 'ol boys are requested from the Barracks and the bunker is now fully supplied with shrimp cocktail and malt liquor just the way those byou boys like it.

RUN FERRET, RUN!

Just as my second good'ol boy was trained, something leapt up and bit me on the Barracks! 6 little slimy zerglings. As my good'ol boy ran to the bunker, all I could think was Run Ferret, Run  --  so I did, and      lifted that Barracks up so high, those little zerglings could not reach it!     Then those nasty lit'l critters galloped down to my bunker behind the house.   Two good'ol boys were waiting inside.   Now, I don't know if you ever heard what it sounds like when a bunker is full of boys drinking it up, but it goes something like a continuous "rat tat tat rat tat tat tat tat tat".  But on this day, only 2 boys were in the bunker, so killing those 6 ferocious lings sounded more like "rat tat tat, pop!.................rat tat tat tat tat, pop pop!.............................rat tat tat, pop!"  My little      chocolates were good enough to repair the bunker during the whole      eternity it took to rid the homestead of those zergling beasts. Mama was right, stupid is, as stupid does - I had survived a zerg 4pool!

JENNNNNYYYYYYY!!!!!!

I lowered my Barracks, and knew what I had to do, I needed Jenny's help.  Jenny, Jenny, I love you!  And so I ordered Mama and few other Aunt and Uncle Chocolates to build as follows: Barracks, Shrimp supply, Academy, Gas extractor, Shrimp supply. When my Academy was done, two Jenny's were requested, and soon after, a comsat detector.      Another bunker was constructed in front of the house to protect my 2     barracks and Academy, should the lings visit again in larger numbers.          Gotta pump up my boys to fight off these treacherous zerg, so I researched stim, but not range.

Ah ha!  I can phone Bubba the Shrimp and see what he is up to.   Dial B, and comsat  reveals, 3 hatch (no lair), 1 shrimp boat (hydra den), 1pool, 1extractor, 3 evil sunken grass colonies  So, Bubba the Shrimp wants to go mass shrimp on me!  My good'ol boys love the taste of shrimp in the morning!          

BREAK OUT MY LAWN MOWER!

I see sunken grass - I need lawn mowers (tanks w/ siege)!  So Mama goes to build a Barn Factory, as my good'ol boys, Lieutenant Dan (bats) and Jenny set up camp at my the font of our driveway.   When the first lawn mower has been finely tuned, I decide it be time to visit Bubba the Shrimp.  I send 8 good'ol boys, Lieutenant Dan x4, Jenny x5, 1 lawn mower, and a little chocolate go to throw a party at the front of Bubba's driveway -- kegs of malt liquor and tubs of fried shrimp in tow, patrolling all the way.   This is indeed a wonderful assortment of chocolates!  

I scan Bubba the Shrimp again, no lair, no ebay for me!  Now, Mama says, you gotta pay the bills with something more than wit and good looks.  Since Ferret Gump don't have either, I will send Mama, some boys and Jenny with a lawn mower to make a  home-away-from-home at the mineral and gas node in the middle of the map, on Bubba's side.

LIEUTENANT DAN, LIEUTENANT DAN!

As my party squad passes the soon to be expansion, and rounds the bend to Bubba the Shrimp's house, they are rudely stopped by numerous spitting shrimp (hydra) and zerglings.  My boys are up to the challenge, and the lawn mowers shift to siege mode.  Jenny's do their job, and 24+ zergling and shrimp are splattered in the process.  But wait, they hurt Jenny!  Don't you hurt my Jenny!  In a fit of rage, I send my boys to finish off Bubba the Shrimp.  4 lawn mowers siege and mow Bubba's grass colonies down. Waves of shrimp and lings tumble forth, and Jenny and the boys use extra bread to wipe up their Cajun juices!  With his defensive field of subterranean grass tentacles gone, along with his pool, Bubba the Shrimp rolls over and dies, without a parting word on his lips.

           I grin. 

Ferret Gump may be slow, but today, all the sweet taste of chocolate victory is his. Remember, listen to yo' Mama: "stupid is no lurks against terran, and good'ol boys always party well when Jenny and Lieutenant Dan are around."

       (previous reports written under the names Peon~Virus & ^sleepy^weasel)