"I know you're probably sad, because now you have to go back to watching Star Trek and hanging out with your mom. But don't worry, it'll be okay. Maybe one day down the road I'll get bored again. And maybe on that day, I'll write another battle report. Maybe even with someone as gay (but hot) as Dag again. Or maybe I'll die of liver problems at 25."
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| my life, the completion and it's path. | | | Author: | | | IP: | 204.140.XXXX | | Date: | 05/24/00 08:05 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 6, Min: 6
Lifetime Rating for Limp_Bizkit666: 6.7895 |  |
Hey, dudes. This will be my life’s story.
Okay, from where I left off….
So, the plane landed in Los Angeles. As I walked towards the Customs, the images back in Korea flashed my mind. My dad used to be a school teacher. Being legal to hit students, I guess he figured 30 kids cowering to his “power” was much more fun than abusing a “helpless” family. It was around 3 month before I left for United States. It was around August, probably few days past my birthday on 1992. He picked up some English text book highschool students used, and started to “teach” me. Sure, I was only fifth grade learning high school stuff, but that didn’t matter to him. Whenever I failed to pronounce certain words, whenever I failed to get blacked out on a definition, whenever I failed to do my “homework”, the consequences were obvious. By the time three months passed, I had at least mastered first year English of high school level. (Which isn’t much. Half of the book consists of saying “Hello, Mr. Brown. Hello, John. Hello, Mr. Chung. How do you do?)
The Customs weren’t much of a problem. All the paper work was done before I boarded the plane, so it was only few moments before the family reunion. The 10 hour trip was surely debilitating, and the sight of my dad waiting for me outside was even worse. Maybe it was the jet-leg, maybe it was the fact I was back with my dad. Whatever the reason, I wet the bed for a week. Waking up everyday at 6, I took off my wet underwear, changed, and started to watch Popeye for an hour under the blanket. It was scary knowing my dad could catch me any time. But maybe that jolt of suspense was what drove me to it…
A few months passed. We moved from downtown LA to a nice house at the edge of Los Angeles. I was about to enter Hancock Park Elementary school only a few blocks away from my house. It wasn’t a set date, my dad just chose a random date to go. That night, I was very overjoyed and nervous at the same time that I will be going to a “American” school. I went to sleep in joy, but I woke up a few hours later with a slap in the face. He thought first impressions were very important, and he thought I should have showered without him telling me. He said he was disappointed in me, yelled at me, slapped me a few times, and finally threw me out into the bathroom to take a shower. With fear and anger both rolled up in my eyes, I took a shower and came back into my room. The watch read 3 AM, and I went back to bed thinking of my father in a coffin. The next day, we went to school. The reply? Come back in a month, cause that’s when the school starts a new semester.
Well, I got into school a month later, and I was introduced to a lovely teacher. I was pretty chubby, wore glasses, didn’t know much English, (I didn’t say anything. I was scared they would laugh at me. But they didn’t know I could understand what they were saying) and was nerdy…
I was seated next to a second-generation Korean. Hehe, it was funny cause he knew as much Korean as I knew English. For the whole semester of my sixth grade year, I was left alone. One day, during Social Studies time, I was being asked a question by one of my friends. I answered, but my teacher caught me at that moment. He told me to read the book, (maybe as a punishment for talking in class) but I couldn’t. I knew where we were cause my friend was pointing at the sentence, but I was just tongue tied. He then went on to ask me a wonderful question. “What planet are we on?” I, once again failed to answer, and he said out loud in midst of a sigh “earth, damnit.”
Our class had a Monday-essay thing, where every Mondays the teacher would write something on the board and we would have to answer it, or talk about it in an essay. One day, it was “If you have just immigrated from another country, should you be made fun of being fat and not knowing English?”…
I graduated from that school in 6 months, and I was dubbed “Dr. Lee” from my peers and my teachers. Why? Cause my writings were illegible, and the only questions I could answer was math problems.
Junior high wasn’t much different. I did finish ESL, and high school was starting soon…
As high school started, I changed much. The house was the same. Still being blamed for stuff I didn’t do, still being hit for failing to do something, still unable to go to friends house, still unable to bring friends, still unable to have any freedom. I was introduced to some rock music and I fell in love immediately. The music portrayed the feelings I had. Hate, anger, burst of emotions. It was my feelings, it was the way I would have said things, it was me. Now, I am called “white-washed” cause of the way I dress and the music I listen to. =[
High school was more fun. Spending more time then I was at junior high, it was a more fun time for me. Although dad’s outburst still consisted of thrown objects and screams, but the beating was rare. He was changing. It wasn’t cause he was nice, but cause he was afraid of the law. But, no one still liked him…
Anyone that has EVER been to our house, they rarely comeback. When we first moved into the house I currently live in, he were a big family. My parents, my sister, and one younger sister that was born one year before I came to USA, my aunt and uncle, (unrelated) and grandmother. The last three mentioned left within one year. They couldn’t stand his tyranny, his way of life, and his face. I have around 6 aunts, but they never visit. One time, one of my aunts from Cleveland came over for a visit. Being a bitch he is, my dad started to fight, and my aunt left to a motel across the street from our house, and vowed never to return. She has kept her promise. NO ONE likes him, but he doesn’t care. He thinks we do, but we know that none of us loves that person we call “dad.”
He never acted like a dad. I was NEVER complimented. Anything I did was “okay, could have done better, or not bad”, but never “great”. There was no motivation whatsoever. Let alone love. The only time I was hugged is when he found out I didn’t do something from a reliable source (which excludes myself) and when I was born. That is less than handful. The word “love” never came out of his mouth. His hands touched mine only for the sole purpose of “discipline” and pain. That led to problems of my own.
During high school, I was called smart, genious and a nerd. No, no, I’m not bragging. The reason they called me that was because I LACKED in academics. I used to get at least 3 “u”s for “unsatisfactory” for talking in class every semester. I talked a lot with my friends in class because that is the only time I have with the people I care for. Friends were the only thing in life, and I did everything to entertain them instead of my parents. I used to lie down in the middle of a hallway, and roll back and forth. I used to refuse to sit at a certain chair cause that spot was “cursed”. I was in fact, asian Tom Green. But, I still managed to finish with a 3.8 GPA from high school. But only if I cared I would have done better. I took the SATs after few months at SAT workshop. If I cared and actually studied, I could have done better than 1380. I took 10 AP tests. If I cared and actually studied, I would have passed more than just 7 of them. All because I didn’t care….. school wasn’t important. Academics weren’t important. Friends were.
I ended the year winning class clown, and being nominated for most likely to succeed. But I don’t think I succeeded in anything. Being never loved, I have a VERY hard time expressing the love of my own. Every mothers day, I only end up giving my mom some money. I would love to give her a letter for everything she has done for me. I would love to give her a hug and tell her I love her. I would love to get a a bouquet of roses in a fashion of a heart. But I can’t. I can’t express love because I never received it. Therefore, my love life is f’ed up…
I knew a girl since 9th grade. I knew her, and she knew me. But that was it. We ended up going to a same school. Santa Monica College. It is a community college, and it is not some fancy shmancy schools I would like to attend. I wanted to go to University of California: Berkeley. It was one of my few life’s goals. I didn’t get accepted directly, but I was given a contract. If I maintain a 3.0 GPA from a junior college with 60 units of transferable units within 3 years, I am guaranteed the admission when I apply at the end of my JC years. Although I got into UCLA, it wasn’t my life’s goal. So I rejected it and happened up in SMC. Although we knew each other for 4 years, we weren’t that close. Now we are thinking about to move out together. But we still haven’t done anything more than kiss around. I am too scared to tell her how I really feel about her cause I am afraid she might leave me.
The home is still the worst place I would go to, but my dad became lenient. He isn’t that abusing tyrant anymore. He is just a tyrant. I still live with him, but now he has a job…at a post office. Yes, I think he will go postal one day, but I don’t know…
He has changed. I would love to be born to that family now. Everything is different. He still screams, he still don’t express himself, but at least we are not as oppressed and abused as before. USA IS a great country. Just by living at here changes a person like that, it has GOT to be good, right??
So now, I’m just a student going to SMC taking on Astrophysics to transfer to UCB in two years…oh yeah, my other goal is to be more with my gf and be top 100 in SC…
Byeya
p.s-thanks yall..
This is my future. It has not occurred yet. I just wish it isn’t as black as this background, but flying in colors of the rainbow. Happiness is truly waiting around the courner. I could feel it! Me and my gf is going on a three-day snowboarding trip to Mammoth. I hope we could get more closer, and I hope to finally to tell all to her. I might even propose to marry her. My life’s goal IS to get a family and do the things I never got. I will love them, I will support them, and most importantly, I will be there for them…
I would like to end my future with a poem I read… it’s by Louise Gluck and it really fits me…
Long ago, I was wounded. I lived
to revenge myself
against my father, not
for what he was-
for what I was: from the beginning of time
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.
well, thanks for all your support…
may your future be as bright as my smile be when my life becomes all good. Although it will be a while I could get all my anger, my fear and my pain to get out of my system, I hope to be well. I DO have ADHD, (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) but I think I could handle it…
byeya
p.s-…
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