"Slings: I found God for you. he's hiding behind these brass knuckles"
-CynicalMagician and Fox^1
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| Treasure Hunt!! | | | Author: | | | IP: | px2cl.gvXXXX | | Date: | 07/11/00 11:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for CynicalMagician: 8.7556 |   |
BattleReports.com
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to another inside joke BR extravaganza made by the
best Elvis impersonator this side of Texas, one of the most
sarcastic bastards ever to fall on this earth, pig wrasslin'
extraordinaire, a reporter who needs an introduction, the
Cynical Magician!
*several people in the audience
get up and leave*
Hey hey! We've got quite a show
for you tonight, with everyone's favourite BR style, the theme
BR!
*several more people leave*
Yeah!
Well... In my usual fashion I've put far too many pictures
into this report, so it's probably going to take a good while
for you dialups to load this puppy up. It's worth it though, I
guarantee it!
*many more people
leave*
Fine. Be that way. Whatever. For both of you
that are still here, enjoy Sporff's deal before the main
attraction. I'm going to go get a drink... Philistines on the
internet....
Last
time on the Continuing Adventures of Spaceman Sporff, our hero
was commissioned by the mildly entertaining Princess Majong to
take a very powerful antimatter generator to a far away
planet. The planet he is on right now, X16 of the Cyth system,
is under heavy guard by several spacefaring races, including
(but not limited to) the insectlike Bilgornians, the bionic
Gorons, and a few assorted bounty hunters. He must maneuver,
or fight his way through this blockade, and make it to
Empyrrean, where he will be able to sell it to the Imperium
for the Princess. Sci-fi drama at it's best.
Anyway, we
rejoin Sporff just as he is taking off with the generator
tucked away safely in his hold. With a mighty blast of heat
and energy our hero takes off of the surface of the planet,
and after narrowly avoiding the towering walls of the canyon,
Sporff bursts through the highest clouds. He witnesses the
incredible spectacle of the star Cyth ejecting a massive
amount fusion energy in the form of a solar flare. After
making a mental note to either tint his windows, or never look
directly at a nearby star again, Sporff turns his attention to
his radar, where several red sploches are moving slowly toward
him.
After confirming his guess that red means bad by
consulting the manual, Sporff realizes that the incoming ships
are part of the blockade. Several minutes later, the members
of the stellar toll booth are visible with Sporff's naked eye,
and he sees that they are Bilgornian fighters. Rather than
engage them head on, where he would really have to TRY to beat
them, Sporff decides to maneuver around them. Pulling a hard
left, Sporff rolls his ship back under cloud cover and hits
the jet engine.
However, although the Bilgornians
follow the rule of 'Bad guys aren't very clever', they do have
an IQ higher than a piece of macaroni, and so they noticed
Sporff's move. The three fighters fan out and begin sweeping
the immediate area. Soon enough, they come across Sporff,
moving at about a squillion miles an hour, and they begin to
give chase. Sporff dives closer to the planet's surface. One
of the Bilgornian wingmen decides he can not handle this, and
promptly explodes. 1 down....
Hurling his spacecraft
around the corner of a mountain, Sporff does a quick about
face and brings his weapons to bear on the first Bilgornian
ship that he can get a lock on, and in a spray of sheet metal
and golden sparks, the fighter explodes. His fate is sealed
doubly when the remnants slam headlong into the cliffside. The
3rd and final fighter sees his comrades end, and decides to
make a getaway. Sporff considers letting him escape, but his
love of fire and stuff blowing up forces him to launch a
rather large missile directly into the tailpipe of the fleeing
fighter. Chalk another one up for the stylin'est spaceman this
side of Alpha Centauri.
Sporff idly sips a coffee, and
cruises back up to the more comfortable altitude. As he
approaches, he notices a small flashing light on his
dashboard. The liquid crystal display under the button says,
"Incoming Transmission." After mulling this over for the
better part of 15 seconds, Sporff deduces that this MUST be
someone hailing him. He hits the button, and is greeted by a
Goron visage being projected over his windshield. Sporff
thinks to himself that it looks like someone threw a
technological can opener at the Goron's face, and it stuck.
French kissed by a mac truck. Hit every branch on the way
outta the ugly tree. Thrown through a meat grinder. Never
going to win a beauty contest prize, not even in Monopoly. As
if someone splashed him with sulphuric acid. He looked as
if---
"Good evening. Dr. Sporff I presume?" A metallic
voice rang in Sporff's cockpit.
Sporff thought fast.
"Nah, this here be Gretchel, Space Trucker extraodinaire! Can
I help you?"
The Goron though for a moment. "Yes. You
can stop being such an idiot, and own up to being Sporff. We'd
really like to get that generator with as little fuss as
possible."
Sporff looked out his window and saw a Goron
ship within a stone's throw. He could see the Goron looking
seriously back at him from the window. Armaments of every
possible kind, including the Ultimo LaZeR Zap-n-Fry Guns (TM)
hung from the wing tips. Sporff sighed. "Yeah, it's me. You
want the generator?"
"Did I not just say
that?"
"I thought you might have changed your mind.
Things like that happen you know."
"Quiet you fool.
Surrender, or we will be forced to vapourize you." The Goron
had a definite twinge of frustration in his
voice.
"That wouldn't be very smart. I've got the
generator on my ship, and you probably wouldn't want to blow
it up, now would you?"
"What if I did?"
"I'd say
you'd be a masochistic cyborg, because whoever your commanding
officer is would fry your ass in a microwave.. on extra high
setting."
The Goron thought about this for a second.
"Of course you are right. Which is why we're going to have to
take your ship by means of a boarding party." The Goron turned
away from the screen. "Ensign, turn on the sucker
device."
Sporff's ship was immediately grasped by the
ineptly named 'sucker device', and hauled toward the loading
bay of the Goron ship. Sporff swore, and tried to turn his
weapons toward his adversary, but to no avail. He sighed, and
reached under his seat to grab his trusty pistol. It was time
to get violent. Killing style.
* * *
Can Sporff escape the sucker
device, or manage to kill the boarding party? Undoubtedly! But
to find out how he accomplishes this, you'll have to tune in
next time!
Thank you Sporff. That was.. err. interesting...
Anyway, we've got a very special guest here tonight to do the
BR, the experienced mariner and veteran pirate, the
ever-amusing Captain Bones 2001!! He'll be doing the
narration, as this battle took place among the reefs and
shoals of Captain Bones' place of origin, the Caribbean.
Before that though, I'm going to introduce the
contenders.
 Representing the Barbary Coast, this amusing little
sprite has been in several of my other BR's, and has always
managed to pull out a good game. Aside from being very funny
in the game with his constant chatter, he's as good at
macroing as a McDonalds cook mass-producing burgers, and also
often manages to pull some neat unit tricks out of his hat.
He's also very hard to get to drop out entirely, and will be
annoying with his units to the last.
 The
leader of the Swedish fleet, DrunkLastKnight is one of favourite people to play with anywhere
on bnet, Drunk is excellent at both microing his units to
victory and macroing them to their mass graves. A proud member
of clan ~DSC~ (one of the few non-gay clans left), he usually
plays by the book, but has enough guts to try interesting
tactics. He favours the Protoss for their strength, power, and
his inordinate ability to really frustrate people with them.
Also, he is from Sweden, so you have to make the obvious
Swedish chef jokes to him. He is a big fan of porn and pimps
too, hence his nicks such as: PornPixTrader, Pimpin'~DSC~,
Pimpasaur, and many other sexual oriented titles.
 After
being raised in the mountains of Alabama after his family was
captured by the CIA, -Angered is a player that no one really
knows anything about. An enigma to all, he comes out fighting,
using powerful armies to decimate his opponents. He is sure of
his skills, and makes his presence known across the map. He is
the emissary of the Scourge of the High Seas, Sir Francis
Drake. (Editor's Note: I know nothing about
-Angered, this was the first time I'd ever seen him play.
The above information is probably not true)
-Angered, this was the first time I'd ever seen him play.
The above information is probably not true)
-Angered, this was the first time I'd ever seen him play.
The above information is probably not true)
-Angered, this was the first time I'd ever seen him play.
The above information is probably not true)
-Angered, this was the first time I'd ever seen him play.
The above information is probably not true).
  Another
of DrunkLastKnight's friends, OgrimDoom has a fetish for both
fantasy realms and kickin' ass. A very good player who favours
to get a little bit of a lot of things, climbing multiple tech
trees at once in the game. I've played a couple 2v2's with
him, and he changes from strategy to strategy faster than
Superman jack--.. Nevermind. He changes strategies fast is
all. He is choosing to represent those dastardly buccaneers
known for their love of booty, the Pirates of the
Caribbean.
 What can I
say. My best online friend, and companion for literally
hundreds of games, he's another player that I'm glad I know.
Unfortunately he is leaving (well, left by the time you read
this), for boot camp in order to join the USAF. This game will
be his last for 2 or 3 months. I've asked him a few times to
be in a BR of mine, and after finally tearing him away from
his girlfriend, I got him to be in one. A stalwart follower of
the "I Hate Terran" religion, he plays with a variety of
different tactics, my favourite being the expansion whore. He
will often bide his time in a game, brooding over his options,
before letting loose a barrage of attacks. Obviously he is the
commander of the Spanish Armada.
And with
that, I'll turn it over to Mr. Bones. Take it
away.
Captain Bones:
Avast ye harties, I'm Cap'n Bones, feared Pirate of the
Caribbean! I'll make ye walk the plank, kiss the parrot, and
play tag with the sharks before I tell ye where the treasure
is. By the way, don't look under the X. I've got me a sword
that’s sharper than my wits, and a flag that's more terrifying
than Janet Reno in a thong. If you want to be a pirate, talk
to me, and I'll show you wenches, ale, and drinking songs
galore. Don't drink the water! (It’s
salty)
But you dogs
didn't come hear to become pirates, yar not cool enough for
that... you want to hear me recall the tremendous battle for
the straits of the Caribbean! It began on a warm day, I was
sharpening my wits on a Pina Colada on the beach, and my men
were enjoying a brief respite from forced homosexuality on the
ships... Wenches galore around there... I had my lawn chair
out, and we were loving the life that pirates
enjoy.
Suddenly thar was cannon fire off the west side
of the island! We heard the hells break loose, there were 3
armadas raising kain off the coast. Plumes of smoke, towers of
fire... we were getting a better show than Jimmy and his taps
could've put on.
Just before dawn the fighting ended,
and bodies started washing up on shore. No one knows who won
the battle, but some say the ghosts of the crew still haunt
the waters...
***silence***
CynicalMagician: Alright, what
the hell was that. You said you were the first mate on one of
the galleons. You don't even know who won? What a waste of
time...
Captain Bones: Aarrr, I'm a pirate..
Aarrrr..
CynicalMagician: And that's a fake beard!
Get the hell outta here. No cheap wine for you. Lousy
bum.
***The 'pirate' is whisked off
stage***
Sorry about
that folks. He told me he knew the battle. That's what he
said, I swear. Oh well, I guess I'll have to take it from
here. I don't know a whole lot about the history, but I'll
relate the piratey details about the treasure hunt to you as
best I can.
 The battle
was on River War, a 7-player map with plenty of expansions,
and enough room for 5 people. It was obviously an FFA with 5
people, and through an odd twist of fate DrunkLastKnight
(Drunk),
RS~Darkrogue
(Rogue),
Phoenix-S-
(Phoenix) and
-Angered
(Angry) ended up
with Protoss, with Rogue
and Drunk picking, and Phoenix and Angry
letting the dice fly. OgrimDoom (Ogrim) was the odd one out, receiving Zerg from the oft
vengeful random gods. Now, I know what you're thinking, a 5
FFA with 4 toss... boring... I was thinking the same thing at
first, but it turned out to be a pretty good game. So, let’s
get on with it.
The game opened with the usual
collaborations of FFA's, which is to decide on teams. The
players did, and then promptly decided to backstab their
partner. Gotta love FFA. In reality, the players builds were
all similar. Rogue, Drunk and Angered all went pylon, gas, gate, pylon,
gate, while Ogrim went gas, second OL, pool. Phoenix tried to do something a little
different, and went straight for pylon gate gate pylon,
bypassing gas for the moment. I was somewhat confused by
Phoenix's build order, but then soon realized his plans
as he went for a 4 zealot rush. (Editor's Note:
Sigh...) After discovering it was an island map,
Phoenix decided to get gas. Good choice bucko.
Meanwhile, the sane players' build orders
are becoming apparent. Angry
appears to be going for a large fleet of goons to shuttle
around, along with a couple gates for corsair harassment.
Drunk has gone for a turbo expansion to the island
below him, and has begun fortifying it with cannons, while
also building corsairs, observers, and a slow tech to templar.
Rogue is doing the same as Drunk, but has forgone the expansion for
faster templar. To the south we discover Ogrim, happily going for the popular 'one
of everything' plan of attack. He has a spire, 2 lairs, a
hydra den, and a few random combat units. Finally, we have
Phoenix, who has bitterly resolved to become a factor in
the game. He has a couple shuttles, and appears to be going
for a drop similar to Angry,
but he has also built a citadel, indicating templar will be on
the scene soon. What a guy.
At
this point, Angry
decides that it's time to scout. He parades corsairs across
the map, injecting their gayness into every corner of the map.
He soon knows where all the players are, and what race they
are. Sure, his corsair took a hit or two, and the Richard
Simmons poster that was taped onto one fell off, but he has a
large advantage in knowledge over the other admirals, for
now.
Trying to make up for this lack of information,
Drunk wisely decides to build a couple dingers and
patrol them around. He soon finds the rushing god incarnate
below him in the guise of Phoenix. However, he also notices a strange situation in
Phoenix's base. His observer is still living, indicating
a lack of detection. He peers around the base, being very very
quiet, and discovers that there are no cannons to be seen.
Giggling to himself, Drunk begins training of the scourge of the
swashbucklers, the....
Yeah!
DT's! Everyone's favourite unit, AKA shitheads with capes
(Editor's Note: Mad props to whoever made up that name, I love
it. Sorry I can't remember your nick). Anyway, this one DT he
loads up into a shuttle, and flies over to Phoenix’s isle. He
drops it in the corner, away from the 3 goons and 4 zealots
that are standing guard, and sweeps the island with his
observer once more, just to make sure there are no cannons. He
finds none, and Drunk unleashes the fury of the Covert Cutlass onto
Phoenix's main, running it directly into the probe line.
It tears through those poor little peons, and starts on the
buildings, while Phoenix swears profusely. Phoenix realizes that he has very little chance to save
his main, and decides to cut his losses and fly his small army
and whatever probes he can manage off to the start position
directly below him in his 2 shuttles. Oh Phoenix... I really only have one question
to ask you...
And
so it comes to be that for the next 10 minutes I hear a faint
'whiijjj' every couple seconds or so and the sound of a
building collapsing intertwined sparsely. Sigh. Way to go
Phoenix. Ah well.
On the rest of the map, other
things have been happening. Angry
has built a robotics support bay, presumably for shuttle
speed, and Ogrim has expanded his borders to include the island to
the north of him, and has fortified it with a few hydras and
an OL. Phoenix has also begun the tedious process of rebuilding,
this time in the middle east start position.
While
we're on the topic of expanding, Drunk's earlier expansion has come into about 50%
saturation. He has started receiving the economic benefit of
expanding, and so has the extra money to build more of the
incredibly costly observers. These he scatters in his
immediate area. In the southern seas, Angry has done the same with observers, and with one of
these he catches Ogrim expanding to one of the middle islands. He notes
with grim resolve to eliminate it with extreme
prejudice.
 Speaking
of being caught in the act, Rogue
has begun the warping of a pylon and nexus on the island
directly north of him. Drunk watches with a smile, and tries his luck with a
DT drop again, although this time he accompanies it with a
goon. These two merry adventurers start pounding on the nexus,
but Rogue
decides against canceling it, and instead drops two of his own
DT's on the island, along with an observer escort of their
own. They run over and directly attack Drunk's dragoon, who has become separated
from the DT, and it dies a quick death. Drunk's DT sees this, panicks, and runs
around the nexus, away from Rogue's pair of swordsmen. Rogue
gives chase, although he fails to bring his observer along at
first, allowing the offensive DT to sneak back around and
deliver the killing blow to Rogue's freshly warped nexus. Soon after though, the DT
perishes. Dazed, but not confused, Rogue
expands to the island below him, and fortifies with 5 or 6
cannons. He will not allow this expansion to fall.
The policy of not allowing one's expansion
to fall is not one practiced by Ogrim though, as his middle island expansion goes down
with a raw thud as Angry
unloads 10 bitchy goons onto the small resource patch. They
raze the undefended hatchery through a hard battle only won by
some stunning micro by Angry,
and they hop back in their shuttles, very pleased with
themselves. However, Ogrim is less than impressed. He hurls about 6 mutas
and 2 or 3 scourge at the shuttles, hoping to catch one with
goons inside, and manages to kill 1 before the other 4 unload
and scare the zerg troops off. However, Angry wants the troops back at his base, and so loads
his troops up again, only to be ruthlessly assaulted by mutas
once again. What happens now? See above. Eventually
Angry's force makes it back to port. As a
prize for destroying an expansion, Angry
decides to take one of his own, and chooses to do so on the
island to the north of him. He defends with a couple goons and
as many cannons.
Meanwhile,
in the center of the Zerg base, Ogrim has built a queens nest, and has begun upgrading
his lair to the ultimate stronghold of larvae spawning, the
hive. Back with the virtuous Spaniard, Rogue has been trying to drive Drunk off of the northernmost island that
he has claimed, but is having a hard time doing it. Both
players have been trying to drive the other's observers away
via corsairs, but neither has been able to gain a strong hand.
Eventually Drunk drops another goon/DT combo, and finishes off the
pylon on the island, along with any form of Spanish
resistance.
Showing his intense perseverance,
Ogrim decides to again expand to the bottom middle
island. He this time brings about 12 hydras and 4-6 mutas,
along with the obvious overlord detection. However, once again
this expansion is spotted by an Angry
observer, and so the representative of Sir Francis Drake again
loads up 5 shuttles, this time with 8 goons and 4 zealots, and
heads to the island in question. He could have gone for
Phoenix's throat, as the main harbour of the Barbary
Coast still had very little units or defense, but instead he
unloads on Ogrim, again destroying the expansion attempt.
In
the Swedish and Spanish bases there has been warped a curious
structure, duplicates of one another. They resemble large eggs
mounted in a little holder, and have signs on them that read,
"Men Seeking Men". That's right, we've got a couple of fleet
beacons in town. Required for building the most advanced
galleons and schooners, they are the home of a very large
amount of homosexuality. At this point my guess is that
Rogue will use his to research d-web, and
Drunk will begin massing carriers. My guesses prove
right as the first flying sausage glides out over the plateau
which is Drunk's base. Sigh. Carriers are too big to be
cool.
What is cool though, is expanding. I think
Angry may have heard this rumour somewhere
before, because about now he decides that it is time to pump
up his economy again. He drops a probe on the tiny bottom
middle island and warps a nexus and a couple cannons to keep
those pesky Zerg off it. With his newfound cash, he builds a
couple grapeshot launchers, AKA anti ground troop machines,
AKA reavers.
Oh, and look what's happening now. During
this lull in the action, Ogrim is expanding again for that middle island. He's
beginning to become predictable. Oh well... There is a ton of
mutas and hydras guarding the exp now. Ogrim isn't taking any chances. Just in
case that island does fall for a 4th time, he decides that he
does need some extra money in the bank, so he starts a
fledgling base on the middle west start position, just north
of his first base.
By now the first 4 Swedish galleons
(carriers) have finished building all 8 of their interceptors,
and so they head off to make a difference in the community by
smacking around Rogue's northern island expansion, which he recently
rebuilt. A few corsairs make a valiant stand versus the
carriers before they are blown to tiny particles of protossian
vapour, and soon after the 4 or 5 probes mining follow them to
the secret elephant graveyard. However, soon to arrive at the
scene are 3 high templar, ready to dance the night away. They
raise their hands as if to wave at the passers by, but instead
unleash raw destructive energy on the carriers. Or the air
where the carriers were. Drunk dances out of the way of the first storm, then
the second, but finally his luck runs out, and the 3 templar
storm in unison on top of the carriers. They suffer damage to
their hulls, and 3 drop into the yellow. Drunk decides to flee, or attack to the
rear, in order to keep his babies alive.
I'm
sure you all remember that DT that killed Phoenix's entire main. Well, Phoenix is out for revenge now. He's rebuilt
all his tech at his new main base, and has got an observer
out. He sees his cloaked demise still on the island, laughing
at him. Phoenix utters a curse, and sees that the DT has 29
kills. Returning to his main base he picks from his troops,
and loads the finest soldiers he has, 4 zealots and 2
dragoons, into a shuttle. He orders the shuttle towards his
ex-main, and harangues his comrades in arms on the way over.
"The time has come, my friends, for retaliation. We were
crushed under the thumb of a cruel dictator, and he forced us
out of our homeland, and onto a foreign island. We were down,
but not out, for we shall fight to the last. Like a Phoenix we
are rising out of the ashes, and we must strike back at the
enemy! We must face the one true foe, the Swedish Armada to
the east! Go now, my brothers in battle, and claim victory in
the name of the Barbary Coast!"
Grieving
the loss of one of the most cost effective units ever,
Drunk decides to expand to the second middle island
from the top bringing his expansion total to 3, and places a
couple static photons around the perimeter. A grizzled Swedish
commander resolves to revenge his fallen comrade, and he once
again sheds a tear for his favourite DT.
 Unaware of Phoenix's victory, and most likely unperturbed by it even
if he did know, Angry
decides the time has come to make his presence known on the
opposite side of the map. He loads up 5 shuttles with 8
zealots, 4 dragoons, 1 reaver and 2 templar, and sends them on
their way to Rogue's main, along with 6 or so corsairs running
escort services. They run over Drunk's newest island expansion at first, but dodge out
of the way after the cannons start firing on them.
Angry has set his sights on Rogue, and he isn't going to let a petty expansion get
in the way. He flies to the edge of the plateau of
Rogue's main base, and unloads his doom
force. Rogue
has very little in the way of organized resistance due to the
battle he is fighting against Drunk for the northern island. The 4 or 5 scattered
cannons fall quickly to the ground troops, and the reavers
that recently popped out of Rogue's twin robotics facilities are quickly put down
by storm and opposing scarabs. One does manage to get off a
scarab just before it dies, producing a neat effect on my
screen. But, all the cool effects in the world can't save
Rogue's main, although he does try with a
few high templar he had around.
 It was too
bad the attack came right at this moment, because Rogue was just starting production on scouts and
reavers, a deliciously unruly combination. If he had had even
2 or 3 more minutes, he most likely would have been able to
revoke Angry,
but alas, he has lost his main, and is left with only the
islands above and below his main, with only the island below
him functioning well. It is on this lower island that
Rogue decides to rebuild his
tech.
Speaking of rebuilding tech, Phoenix has gotten his one base up to
relative full capacity, thus he decides to expand to the
island below him, and then once more to the island between his
old main and new main. As he has heard the rumours of carriers
on the field, he starts producing scouts at his uppermost
base. Unfortunately this uppermost base is the closest one to
Drunk, and it soon comes under attack from 9 carriers.
1 scout and 1 cannon, even with shield battery support, isn't
nearly enough to stop this, and so Phoenix loses that base. He also remarks: I have killed
ONE unit this entire game!
Everyone has a
good chuckle at that and recognizes that it can always be
worse. Smiling at the lovable Barbary Coast, Ogrim expands to another of the middle
islands, stretching his borders out further. He has
encompassed almost all of the southwest corner of the map, and
has 4 operational bases.
Drunk has made a choice. He has grown tired of the
northern Spanish expansion coming close to his borders, and so
he decides it is time to eliminate it once and for all. He
attacks with a small fleet of 5 carriers, and after killing
the 3 defending cannons and dancing around the templar induced
storm, he kills the nexus and all traces of any Spanish
stronghold. Back in his only fully running expansion,
Rogue has decided that it is time to fight
galleons with galleons, and warps 3 stargates and a fleet
beacon. Carriers eventually show up on the
scene.
Ogrim has also been being very militaristic, and has
morphed a massive force of a lot of different types of units
at his island expansion that Angry
kept killing. 8 guardians, 8 devourers, several mutas, roughly
20 hydras and as many lings, along with a couple token queens,
are pulsating with a desire to kill things. Ogrim keeps control of his units though,
and they are forced to sit over the island waiting, forever
waiting...
Angry
has been having the same problems with his massing forces at
his main base, but lacks the gentle words to convince his
units not to move out. Hence, he psi raids Phoenix's main base, and then drops a deadly
cargo of 2 reavers, 2 templar, and 6 or 8 goons behind the
peon line. Phoenix has about 16 goons in his base, but doesn't even
bother trying to combat the Angry
force, as his buildings would be too hard to maneuver around.
He is forced to watch his nexus fall, and the gigantic slugs
slowly move towards the rest of his base.
Simultaneously,
Ogrim has decided to use his large Zerg armada to
eliminate Phoenix's lower island expansion. With only a couple
cannons defending against a massive force, the expansion dies
faster than you can say supercalifragilisticexpialadocious,
and Ogrim starts a hatchery of his own there. Swearing
revenge for his bases, Phoenix broods over his options, but finds none at the
moment. That is, none but to try to expand to one of the
middle islands, and then get it rocked by Drunk's carriers. No
dice.
Continuing on their rampage in the southeast
corner of the map, Ogrim moves into attack position over Angry's base. After broodlinging the two templar that
stood guard over his main, Ogrim moves in with his guardians, which start picking
off cannons and good. Suddenly two arbiters come flying out of
the stargates, and cloak the one remaining dragoon defender. I
think these arbiters were for recall, but maybe they were
shock troops. Whatever they were, they both die instantly, and
Ogrim is able to unload his force of hydras and lings
onto the island and starts tearing down buildings.
Angry watches this, fairly pissed off, as
his two fairly large armies are off killing other things. He
makes a mental note to fight less wars at the same time and
with that, the brave Sir Francis Drake leaves the
game.
With
the troops occupying the area behind his mineral line now
neutral, Phoenix is able to retake his only source of income, and
eliminates the remaining troops in the area. He rebuilds his
nexus and regains his base, the major players in the game off
doing other things, and allowing him to rebuild in relative
peace. For the first time in a while, there is peace across
the map. However, this peace is shattered with the commencing
of a new era.
And
exactly what shattered this peace? A fight between two sets of
waterlogged sausages of course. Both Drunk and Rogue
have been building carriers lately, and Rogue has about 4, along with 5 or 6 corsairs
blissfully hovering over his base, while Drunk has 12 unsupported carriers en
route. His carriers have been upgraded to 3:3:3, while
Rogue's are only 2:0:1.
Seeing that
Rogue's island has cannons placed somewhat
gratuitously over it, Drunk decides that he can't just charge straight in. If
he did this, he would still win, but he would most likely lose
one or two of the gargantuan ships. Hence, he divides his
armada into two groups. One of 8, coming from the west, and
another of 4 coming from the north. The plan is to draw out
the defending air force with the 8, while the 4 destroy static
defense in the base. However, Rogue
is clever enough to realize what Drunk is attempting to do, and so he keeps his carriers
over his base fairly well. Eventually Drunk tires of waiting, and so begins
giving chase to the Rogue
fleet with his large strike force. Rogue
flees overtop of the cannons, allowing them free hits, but
soon he has no where left to run in his base, so he heads down
to Ogrim's northernmost expansion. He begins picking off
the undefended drones, oblivious to the Swedish carriers that
are destroying his own fort, and in a classic FFA maneuver, he
manages to get another army into the mix. Ogrim decided to send his force of 14 or
15 devourers and 12 mutas up to protect his expansion, but
when he got there, Rogue
had already retreated. By drawing up another army into the
vicinity of Drunk's fleet, Rogue
is hoping that the two forces will hurt each other badly
enough that he can either clean up the remnants, or make his
escape during the fighting. Not a bad plan, I have to admit.
Unfortunately, Ogrim doesn't send his air force after Rogue's carriers, but instead waits. Therefore, by the
time Rogue's carriers have made it back to his base,
Drunk has finished with the cannons, and has nothing
standing in the way of him and Rogue's meager fleet. For the kicker, Drunk just made his first arbiter, and is
escorting his carriers with it. This titanic attack force of
12 carriers and an arbiter begins the hunt for Rogue, and although the Spaniards try to flee,
Rogue eventually realizes the futility of
running, and decides to face his opponent head on. Without
observers though, Rogue
can't attack the carriers, and so goes directly for the
arbiter, taking it down just as his last corsair
falls.
Thus, Rogue
enters observer status for the rest of the match.
And
so the Swedish armada has swept through Spain, and is now
heading towards the army of pirates lead by Ogrim. Tensions run high as crewmen adjust
the rigging and sails of the graceful sloops, and sailors load
up cannons, muskets, and draw their swords.
The
two fleets slowly maneuver into position, each admiral knowing
the other is just beyond sight range. The air is thick with
the smell of gunpowder and the sweat of the crew, and a lone
gull circles the air overtop of the water where the battle
will soon take place. The ominous dark shapes of sharks can be
seen patrolling the waters, and all know that this could be
their last day in this world.
With a mighty flare going
up from the lead carrier, Drunk commands his legions forward to engage the enemy.
Devourers and mutas charge into the fray to directly attack
the carriers, and the battle is on. At first, before any of
Ogrim's troops can get within striking distance, the
battle looks very grim for Ogrim (pun intended). Even once they get within
striking distance, the battle looks grim, because 14 carriers
are a tough crew to beat. One or two of the hulking capital
ships go down, and most of them suffer damage to the hull, but
in the end it isn't enough, and Drunk takes the strait for himself.
However,
Ogrim is far from defeated. Running off of 4 bases has
some advantages, like having a very strong economy. In no time
Ogrim spawns another army of 12 devourers, and sends
them to defend his small island just north of his main. This
army could have undoubtedly done some damage, but
unfortunately for Ogrim, Drunk had warped in a new arbiter to join his fleet,
and it had recently charged up enough for a stasis. Using this
spell, he was able to kill the new set of devourers in 2 easy
packets. Ogrim ensnared the carriers like the deviant dominatrix
he is, but to no avail, the carriers still devastated the
base, but losing a few more of their number.
With
the carrier fleet down to about 8 injured ships, Drunk continues on his rampage across the
map, and begins thundering down on Ogrim's main base. There are quite a few hydralisks
there, and they keep whittling down on the carrier's armour,
but the carriers live on. Ogrim sends wave after wave of mutas, devourers and
hydras at the carriers, and eventually manages to kill all but
three. These three survivors target the greater spire and
eliminate it, thereby cutting off hope for Ogrim of retaking his main, and saving
some tech. He rebuilds a pool on his middle island base, and
starts a hatchery on the middle island to the north. On the
island that he took over from Phoenix a while back, he builds a hydra den, just in
case.
Speaking of Phoenix, he's back with a trick up his sleeve.
In
the critical period after Drunk's carriers destroyed Ogrim's pool in his main base, but before his extra
pool finished building, Phoenix dropped one DT on the island with the contingency
hydralisk den. Due to the lack of defense, and the fact that
Ogrim's attention was on the carriers killing his main,
Phoenix is able to eliminate every drone mining, and the
hatchery and den on the island before Ogrim realizes what's up. Thus, he is set
back in anti air production, and also, Phoenix has fulfilled his lifelong dream,
which is to become more than a sidenote in a game.
Soon after this moral victory, Phoenix comes under attack by the new fleet
of 9 or 10 carriers that Drunk had been working on in his main base, which
contains 5 stargates. Phoenix fights the good fight with his control group of
goons and couple of temps, but through use of cliffs and
terrain, and some damn good storm dancing, Drunk doesn't lose any of his precious
capital ships. Soon after, Phoenix loses his one godlike DT, and he drops into
observer status.
Speaking of observers, Rogue has taken the time to write 'HI' in pylons in his
ex-main base. Thanks buddy. He also made the following comment
regarding Drunk's use of carriers.
 Ogrim has found himself in quite a position. He has 2
mining bases, and 2 fleets of carriers heading toward him from
either side. 1 contains 3 very damaged veterans, and the other
of 9 fresh soldiers. His southern island expansion is
pinchered between the twelve behemoths, and although he fights
valiantly with hydras, and the most ineffective dark swarm
ever, he still perishes, and Drunk moves on to his other expansion, leveling it.
 Ogrim, on behalf of the Pirate of the Caribbean,
concedes defeat, and the Swedes are free to roam the waters
after they make Ogrim walk the plank. A fitting end. (Editor's
Note: Not really.) A good match, and entertaining to
watch.
Here's an animated minimap for all of you who
want the battle in 275 frames or less.
And
for both of you out there that actually care about the scores,
here they are too. By the way, Phoenix killed 48 units. 1 was a DT, 26 were drones, a
hydra den, and a hatchery at Ogrim's undefended expansion, and the other 21 were the
evil-turned-neutral units Angry
left in his base. Oh, pardon me, it was more like 17 or 18
units that Angry
left, because at one point Ogrim suicided an OL or two just to make Phoenix feel better.
Along
with the points, I've compiled a few other
stats.
Number of Godlike DT's: 2
Number of
Gay Carriers Built Total: About 32
Number of Times
Phoenix-S- said Carriers Must Die, Kill Kill Kill:
47
Number of Misc. Pirate Pictures on my HD:
60+
Number I used: 5
Number of Times I Got A
Pirate's Life For Me Stuck in my head while making this:
39
Amount of Historical Accuracy in the Report On a
scale from 1 to 10: None.
Number of Megs this took
up all together on my HD: 82.3
Number of Times I
said I would FOR SURE work on this, and ended up playing
hearts: 13
Anyway, thanks for reading. Hope you
enjoyed. If you did, prove it and comment. If you didn't,
prove it as well, and comment.
PS.
My lawyer told me I had to include Bonesy in the sig file, as
it was part of the contract. Duped again. Live and learn I
suppose. |
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