| "I have more than enough %#*&ing grounds to judge you, however. How the %#*& else am I suppose to judge you online besides what you type? You want me to call you up and learn more about your personal life? What the %#*&, don't bitch because everything you type looks as if you slammed your cock on the keyboard..." - The..Scarab
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| When StarCraft Players Get Liquored Up! | | | Author: | | | IP: | proxy2.sXXXX | | Date: | 07/27/01 07:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for [SM]Strega~F: 7.2000 |  |
Welcome one and all to my 10th BR! Now, while my first 3 reports sucked more ass than a Russian sex worker on Christmas, the other 6 that I have released all went gold. Hopefully this will do the same as I bring to you my humour-based report!
Please note that these games are in no way supposed to be examples of brilliant strategies, or insanely brilliant comebacks. It is meant to bring a smile to your face. I hope you all enjoy it for what it is, comedy: Strega style!
Well, this all started in the magical land of NoHunters, where absolutely nobody hacks, disconnects, talks trash or 4-pools. The place where dreams are made, then sold at a price that is virtually free! I entered the channel to find "Laggin Aussie in the house!!" roll up against the screen. Instinctively I yelled back "Hi Cookies" and that's when all hell broke loose.
Satan'sCookies was playing a new game called "SquelchCraft" and currently half the channel had been squelched by him. It all started when Night2o1 accidentally called him Stan (typo) and, seeing Cookies' reaction of anger, continued to call him Stan. Pretty soon, everybody was logging on through all of their smurf names and calling him Stan a few times before he managed to squelch them.
Anyway, to calm him down, a fellow called RubiksCube offered to play him, 1v1. I begged to observe this game and was granted this honour at one cost. I must BR it. Both players started to talking while I downloaded another Lost Temple map (I now have 13 of them) and I soon found out a rather interesting detail. Both players had been doing some pretty heavy drinking to celebrate the end of the school/uni year and, to cure their hangovers, had a few more drinks. Hooray!
These 2 games (I begged them for a rematch afterwards) have got to be the 2 funniest games I've ever witnessed, with dumber tactics than George Bush could ever have dreamt of. So, let's meet the players a little, shall we?
The trash-talking started immediately into the game and, faced with so many quotes, I have had to cut down to just 2. These are controversial and I hope that you will all like them!
The game started like any other, both players waiting anxiously for their race to appear and to see what position they have been bestowed with. Cookies received the blue terrans at 12:00 while his opponent, Cube received white protoss at 3:00.
Like most terran players, Cookies started a wall-in at his ramp and continued on with his tech of choice: infantry. Cube, breaking from tradition a little, scouted early on his 6th probe and built a pylon back at base. Finding his opponent first try, Cube then proceeds to jumpstart the insanity, and complete's Cookies' wall-in for him. Now, wasn't that a nice thing to do!
Before I go on, I must apologise for the quality of the images. I just checked my work and realised that the writing is barely legible. It looked really cool on my computer when I made the images but, even saving at only 10% compression (instead of my previous 15%) the words are still looking terrible. So, once again, I apologise.
Cube, being the infinitely impotent Protoss Player Magazine's© "GayWhore Of The Week" (trust me, it's a compliment when it comes from such a prestigious magazine), decided to tickle the trout, so to speak. A single zealot appeared at Cookies' base, eager to please. The valiant warrior started beating on the wall-in before realising "Oh, that's our structure!"
Shortly after, he ran through the miniscule gap and was greeted by 1 marine, followed by 2 more. Some SCVs joined in the fun and, rather than give off that weird blue gas stuff that zealots give off when they die, he simply disappeared! I don't know if it's a glitch or what, but it was highly amusing.
Attempting to capitalise on the situation (and I'm sure that the alcohol had something to do with it...), Cookies heads off towards Cube's base in order to do an offensive bunkering. Not just any offensive bunker, though. This one was special. This one was ballsy! A bunker begins construction at the top of Cube's ramp and nearly finishes before another zealot finds it.
Attacking with the wrath of an alleycat on a heroine kick, Cube sets the wheels in motion. The thing about this, however, is that the wheel was not attached to anything, thus resulting in the loss of the wheel. Yes, I know that sucked, so sue me!
Through some nice micro on Cookies' behalf (he remembered that playing Solitaire doesn't help you out on B.net), the SCV constructing the bunker quit production, ran in a little circle, then started back up again. At about this time 3 SCVs and a marine arrived on the scene. 1 SCV hopped into the bunker, while the marine stood on the outside wandering what the hell just happened.
Before long, the marine was toast (I still don't understand that saying...) and the SCVs started upon repairing the bunker finally. Just as the SCVs started popping, 3 more marines rocked up and managed to hop in the bunker before dying. Needless to say, Cube was not a happy little stoner!
Cookies, attempting to seal the deal, begins construction of another bunker just a little further up from the previous one. This was not to be, however, for 2 zealots and 2 dragoons stumbled upon this half-done HillBilly-style bomb shelter. Needless to say, it got destroyed faster than "Dem dere UFO critters we had through 'ere last Tooz-dee!"
Showing off just how drunk they both were, Cube attacks Cookies' other bunker directly, then changed his mind and targeted the SCVs, changing targets again before they died. Keeping up his end of the bargain, Cookies then decides that repairing the bunker would be a waste, and promptly starts attacking the zealots with his SCVs.
Not to be outdone, Cube then takes his attention off of the bunker once again and focuses fire on those little worker-dudes. Nearly simultaneously, the 2 dragoons explode into a gooey heap from the bunker fire, while 1 of the zealots dies to an SCV of all things! With the final SCV dead and buried (if you count being covered in mud while your body slowly decays buried), Cookies plans a final act of stupidity.
The marines hop out of the safety of the bunker in order to kill the last zealot, probably fearing that the bunker would explode. But, the thing is, bunker explosions miraculously do not hurt anybody. Ever. As you might've guessed, the bunker dies anyway (hooray for targeting) while the marines remain unscathed.
With the bunker dead and reinforcements not quite there, the marines take a little bit of Dutch Courage and jump into Cube's mineral line like an Amercian smut peddler jumping into a pool full of naked women (sorry, I've been watching too much cable =]). The marines stim up, run in and drop some probes with ease. This cannot last, though, as a disgruntled Zealot (no relation to DisgruntledApe. I think...) starts hacking away at whatever he can get his hands on.
With only 1 marine left and the zealot on 1 health, 0 shields, the marine decides to make a break for it. Allowing enough time for the zealot to hit the marine another time (stupid probes), Cookies finally realises that his opponent zealot will go down faster than a chubby intern during an international phone call, but probably won't keep a disgusting record of what happened. "So," the marine figures, "Why the bloody hell not?"
The zealot then proceeds to pull out the trump card, delivering the final blow to the marine just as he fires the final required bullets. Shameful, really.
While this was happening, the backups had arrived and started construction of another bunker. Only this time, it was a tad closer than before. As such, the stupid pathing of an SCV making a building sent him into range of a dragoon. He then proceeded to explode in a flurry of blood, shrapnel, and dirty magazines. (Well, it gets lonely in those suits, ok?)
6 marines ran up the ramp (the bunker had not been cancelled) to encounter a zealot aswell as the fabled dragoon. The zealot died fairly easily, although it did take out 2 of Cookies' marines before doing so. The dragoon was a different story.
Apparently using some sort of voodoo magic or something (no offense to anyone, it just adds depth to the sentence), the dragoon managed to take out 2 more marines (of the 4 remaining) without even dancing! The source of Cookies' problems was found immediately. A shield battery. Now, if you need any more proof that these players are drunk, that is it! Who the hell uses a shield battery these days?
Of course, that could be the reason why I majorly suck with protoss...
Continuing along the lines of his first few offensive manoeuvres, Cube attacks the bunker area head on. Again. 2 SCVs arrive to help out the 2 marines left over, along with 2 medics. One SCV built the bunker, one repaired the other SCV, the marines fired, the medics healed. And all of this was needed too! 2 zealots quickly pounced before the bunker was completed and managed to kill 1 of the marines, while losing one of their own.
The marine started dancing as a dragoon arrived on the scene. The dragoon killed the working SCV while the zealot attacked the marine. The backup SCV got to work and soon afterwards the bunker completed. The single marine hopped in and started to kill the zealot/dragoon combo. Slowly. V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y. Soon enough, though, they were dead. Chalk another one up for the Devil's favourite after-meal snack! (I'm talking about Satan'sCookies you idiot!)
The teching had not stopped during all of this action, though! No, not at all! Well, actually, it pretty much stopped as soon as they both had gas. Either way, Cookies had made the long, slow tech to factory units, while Cube managed to throw down a cybernetics core and citadel of Adun. Hehe, Adun spelt backwards is Nuda, the Italian feminine version of the word for "Nude." =)
Instead of the usual tanks that come from factories versus protoss, Cookies took another swig from his bottle of Jack Daniels and proceeded to make a vulture. This was not completely useless though, as the vulture decided to finally kill that damned pylon part of the wall-in. Yes, it was still there. All of the marines were apparently too snobbish to attack a pitiful little pylon, so the job was left to the Hovercycle-ridin' HillBilly Sheep-Fucker.
Oh yes, the text in this picture says "Pylons explode WAY too violently!" It seems to appear worse than the rest of my pictures, so I thought I better clarify it for you.
Somehow (I still don't quite know) the bunker managed to burn completely down, once again leaving Cookies' offensive bunkering with no bunkers. It would be better describes as "An intimate gathering between blokes with big guns and absurdly cumbersome work outfits."
In any case, the fact still remained that a new bunker needed to be made. Sensing the looming threats from the East, Cookies sends a dutiful SCV to construct an engineering bay back at base. Sortly thereafter, a bunker was completed and had an unseen benefit. The marines hopped in and started firing on the gateway there! Also, a tank that eventually made it's way over could siege up behind the bunker and hit a fair few buildings.
Deciding on an all-or-nothing attack, Cube gathers up his modest army of 2 zealots and a dragoon and charges the... turret? Completely disregarding the bunker/tank combo there, the zealots and the dragoon frantically tried to kill that turret. And they did! The situtation was obvious. What unit could possibly make Cube attack the turret over all else. It is really quite simple. Carriers.
No, wait, that can't be right... Ah yes, Gay Templar, the evilly homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that!) cousins of the noble and slow-moving High Templar. Also, their name makes reference to narcotics, which is always a good sign.
Not one to be deterred (when drunk, at least), Cube sends in his single Dark Templar and sees that a turret is hastily being rebuilt. It's too far done to be stopped now, so instead Cube opts to attack that tank. He runs his DT right past the bunker just as the turret finishes. Managing to survive long enough to swipe a few times at the (already damaged a little) tank, the DT kills it's foe mere moments before it is killed. Poetic justice. Well, actually, poetic justice would probably be more like one of those Strip-O-Grams that dress up like a police woman...
Brb...
Oh yes, I almost forgot! (No really, I almost did forget!) The text on this picture also sucks. Phooey. It says: "Not pictured due to incredible gayness of reporter: A TANK being killed by a DT!"
In a final desperate attempt to win the prize (I like playing mind games with drunks) of a date with any woman in the world, Cube does a neat little trick to his adversary. Yelling "Your laces are undone," Cube attempts to surprise Cookies in a most drastic way. 2 DT are loaded into a secret shuttle (robotics facility hidden at back of base) and head over towards Cookies' base.
Awaiting him there are 3 turrets anticipating this move. Can anyone say "AFDASDHGFASDGHA"? Because Cube certainly did! Managing to drop off only 1 DT, the turrets provided ample detection for a nearby tank. Rubbing it in a little more, Cookies brings 2 SCVs in to deliver the final blow. That Gay Templar died faster than a pickpocket in Texas!
Knowing that he has all but won, Cookies storms the rest of Cube's base with his M&M that he has accumulated, along with that tank/SCV combo that dispatched of the DT drop.
Buildings exploded, troops exploded, my pimple exploded, there were explosions everywhere! To deliver the final blow, truly showing that he is a gracious winner, Cookies removes all of his troops out of Cube's base. All, that is, except for the DT-killing SCV team. They were used to deliver the death blow to Cube's last building, an innocent little Assimilator.
GGs were slurred and both players stumbled back into NoHunters, where the trash talking started back up again. RubiksCube expressed his disappointment at not winning the date with his favourite celebrity, so I felt obliged to offer him a consolation prize. A date with Richard Simmons.
I've never seen someone swear so much! He really was that excited about it!
Game 2: The Hangover Begins...
The next game, which came from "Rematch!" pleads by myself, was to star both of the aforementioned players on the same map. This time, however, the races were switched. Cookies received protoss at the top middle position while Cube received terran at mid left. This match was not quite as funny as the previous match (in my opinion, some people will have a different sense of humour to me) but it was still well worth the time to report it!
A standard sort of build occurs, with both players learning from the mistakes of the previous game. Pylons were not donated to finish building a wall-in, ballsy offensive bunkers were not made inside somebody's main base, it was all quite normal. Except for one thing. The rushes that they were going for were, well, let's just leave that for a little later, shall we?
Cookies, not bothering to build a single zealot, techs straight to cybernetics core with only 1 gateway. Another one soon follows. Cube decides to do the regular terran strategy of wall-in, followed by a quick factory. An SCV scouted out his opponent at roughly the same time as a probe scouted him out. Nothing interesting was happening and I was starting to lose interest a little bit.
Then the funny stuff started happening. A dragoon arrived at Cube's wall-in (which was one of the single-depot + rax further back types) and started firing at the innocent little barracks there. 1 SCV came to repair, then 2. At this point, Cookies changes target and starts firing at the depot. The SCVs move to accomodate this and then the dragoon starts firing at the barracks again. Another SCV was brought in to help fight this annoyance, along with a tank.
The tank scared the mighty Dragoon Of Death away a little bit, but it then started firing at the buildings again. This time, the tank had to move aswell as the SCVs. This probably would've gone on forever, except for siege mode finally scaring the dragoon off for good. It then laid in wait by Cube's mineral-only.
A short while later, Cookies takes his natural and also loads up into his newly-purchased shuttle 1 dragoon and, wait for it, 2 DTs! Gee, I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you!?!
These creatures, who nobody likes but always wants to use them, got dropped off at a nice tranquil little spot on Cube's main plateau. They zoomed in on their prey and started hacking away at some add-ons. A bunker/turret combo near the command centre halted their progress to a certain area, which didn't really matter. There were plenty of targets.
As the DTs made their way around to the refinery, the dragoon stayed where he was, idly shooting at some various buildings. The bunker emptied, the marines chased, the dragoon ran. Poetry in motion, I guess. As soon as the refinery went "Boom," the DTs realised that there were no more viable targets without risking detection. They moved to a nice secure section, while the dragoon got loaded up again and fled the scene.
Wanting revenge for having lost the previous game, and also for having those DTs screw him over, Cube made a decisive move. A move so astronomical that not even I myself could believe it. Game over, GG, give the man the keys to the copy room! (Ok, I don't get that last part either) The move would have so much impact that this game was over!
A ghost solemnly stepped into the shuttle, prepared to go into the heart of the foul infestation. Travelling up to the top left island, the ghost made a quick exit to cloak. Why he couldn't simply cloak inside the dropship I don't know. These ghosts aren't all there in the head, if you know what I mean! Anyway, he got back in and was soon being deployed on Cookies' lower-west part of his main. The dropship frantically flew away from the 2 dragoons standing there, and managed to escape their wrath. For now.
The nuke was targeted, an observer was being made (no, I was not procreating, you sick deranged freak!) and the race was on. Could the observer get there in time? Would Cube finally gain revenge? Would I get any? The answers will be revealed in Jew time (get it? Jew sounds like Due! ... Fine then, don't laugh!).
Well, the time has come (sorry for the long wait there). The answer is easily explained. The nuke dropped, Cookies acted like a child and I was completely alone in the room. Pity. Now, on the topic of that nuke, I must comment that It Sucked! Without a doubt, the most ineffectual nuke ever. The probes went over to the expansion (which was not yet saturated) and lost very little mining time. No buildings were destroyed. No units perished.
Now, you may be wondering why Cube didn't do an EXP in order to fully destroy the nexus. Well, he did do an EMP. The only problem is, he aimed poorly. So poorly, in fact, that he wiped away his ghost's energy. Knowing that he had to get out of there before the dragoons came back, he sent his dropship back to greet him. The ghost died, the dropship forgot what it's mission was and promptly got blown out of the sky. Now do you see what I meant?
You may be wondering what happened to those DTs that were left in Cube's base. Well, they were owned by the hold button! A science vessel flew overhead, a tank took a shot at them and killed one. Marines, seeing as the DTs didn't react to the tank fire, ran in and shot at the remaining one. What followed was adequately humorous, as he just stood there getting shot at. I don't know, maybe I'm just sadistic, but I found that funny.
The game soon mellowed out a little bit. Both players were tending to their base matters. Cube expanded to his natural and set up a few defensive structures here and there. He made some more ghosts and nukes too. Cookies, on the other hand, already had his natural beforehand. Taking this into account, he then expands to mid right, the natural there, and the bottom right island.
Why the pseudo-expanding? Well, he needed to fund his war machine as quickly as possible. It soon became apparent what he was up to. Gayriers.
When 6 of these little bastards came in, Cookies sent them (along with an observer) to the cliff at Cube's natural. Crippling the workers there, Cube sets about removing the threat. A ghost cloaks and wanders out into the line of fire. Just as he is about to nuke, he decloaks. Bizarre. Anyway, that ghost dies.
The observer, seeing no wraiths about at all, decides to explore the top right island. This proves ill when another ghost attempts to nuke the carriers. This one stays cloaked and the warning comes up on screen. Remembering Cookies' prior comment about discing if nuked again, I quickly saved the game. The nuke was targeted, the carriers ran - about 3 inches. For some reason they completely stopped moving. The nuke fell, annihilating the entire threat. Without a doubt one of the funniest nukes I have ever seen!
Sure enough, keeping true to his word, Cookies promptly disced. The following week I asked him about it and he said that he didn't remember discing at all. Shortly after he disced, and after a few quick comments in the channel, he showed up again.
A quick "Sorry" came up and, knowing that I had saved it, we got straight back into the game.
Still quite pissed (in the alcoholic sense), Cookies proceeds to spend his excess money on a nice ring of pylons around Cube's main. These were followed by a whole heap of photon cannons. When asked about this, he simply said "Nuke protection." Hmm, fair enough I guess...
Seeing these cannons warp in, Cube takes a whole bunch of ghosts, marines and a couple tanks to go kill some stuff. The ghosts/marines ran into the cannon fire, the tanks sieged, the marines/ghosts ran back. Then, when the path was cleared a little, they then ran into a large group of zealots. Needless to say, they died quickly. At this time, Cookies decides to expand to every single spot on the map. When asked why no probes were being made I got the following message:
"Expansion denial. Why would I want probes there?!?"
Ok, sure thing chief. Crazy bastard.
A large group of zealots came flocking in from Cookies' 24 gateways and proceeded to lay the smack down on Cube. A single carrier was sent in before them to soak up damage and mana, and indeed he did!
First he was locked down, then EMPed. This energy could've gone to cloaking and D-matrix, but what do I know? Even with the severe intoxication of Cookies added to the mix, 2 dozen zealots can't really lose to a bunker, some marines/ghosts and a few tanks. Needless to say, this was the ass-raping of the century!
With the end being so near, Cube starts to think towards his next drink. But not without a fight, not him! He already has 2 tanks in a little "pothole" that came about because of how the add-ons were placed, but units could get to them by one route. This was taped up by an SCV though, so getting at the tanks could be hazardous.
Juts like the computer AI tells them to, the zealots targeted the tanks above all (they were the first to shoot the zealots) and they just ran around in circles. The bunkers there added some support too. All in all, Cube wasn't doing so bad against these sort of odds. This game of "Run around like idiots while we get shot at" lasted surprisingly long. In fact, for a moment there I thought that all of this group of zealots would actually die!
Without word of warning, all remaining zealots started attacking the factory above the tanks. Nothing could stop them now! They were co-ordinated, and the tanks knew it. Enjoying one last butt-fucking that is synonymous with the Army (or is that the Navy?), the 2 tank commanders bow in and get swallowed up by the evil evil zealots.
With the finesse of an Italian in an argument, Cookies plows into the remaining terran buildings with his newer troops, letting the old ones rest a little. GGs were yelled violently, I still wasn't getting laid (a lot can happen in the space of a game, you know!) and I decided to call it a night. Upon finding that "It" was not logged on, I meekly said my goodbyes to the channel...
Please note, once again, that this report was never supposed to be about an epic game between 2 excellent players, nor was it supposed to be a serious report based upon a really close game between friends, it was simply meant to bring a smile to your face.
If you did not find any of this report funny whatsoever, then I suggest that you go out and buy yourself a sense of humour. Goodbye for now, but I will be back,
Strega
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