"OH LOOK IM ZILEAIS I GO TO MIT AND FIND IMBALANCES IN MY PANTS!!@# "
-hajooooooob
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| Blood,Sweat,and Beers | | | Author: | | | IP: | spider-wXXXX | | Date: | 11/20/01 10:11 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Patton1944: 5.3333 |  | Paintball
Something which most of us suck at. We've been beat,bruised,shot,and suffered through irritating rashes, yet we keep coming back. Why? Because it's alot more fun than sitting around with our collective thumbs up our butts.
November 3rd,2001
1200hours
Ok, here's the deal: After weeks of begging and pleading with my now former manager at Taco Hell, I finally got that saturday off. My friend and co-worker, Thomas, offered to pick me up with some other friends for Paintball.
As we pull up to the field, I see several people in BDU's carrying very large paintball guns. And all those hard and shiny guns(Settle down,T_Mac).
...Anyway, I walk into the little house-hut-store thingy, and ask for the combo three, which includes a semi-auto paintball gun, 200 paintballs, and a mask. I also buy 500 extra paintballs, because unlike SOME PEOPLE, I can get a few shots off before dying like a vietnamese soldier surrounded by US marines.
The dude gives me a blue arm band, which sucks, because Thomas got red. Oh well, he probably can't hit a damn thing.
I walk back out, and some bored looking 18 year old gives us "safety" lectures. Among the list of "wonderful" safety tips, are "Don't shoot yourself" and "Getting hit hurts." OH, THANK YOU GREAT MASTER, YOU HAVE FILLED MY HEAD WITH KNOWLEDGE.
The guy walks inside, and I sit down next to my team-mates. There are about 15 blue guy right now, which I can understand, seeing as how it was only 12 and all. But when I look at the red team, any hopes of winning vanished like a taliban soldier in a 2,000lb bomb. 30+ red guys sit there, polishing their custom guns, and refilling ammo. Most of them don't have a single paint splat on them. My guys are covered in yellow paint-.-
Fux.
After a powerade, I notice that red has won...one,two,three...FOUR games today out of four.
Double Fux.
To make matters worse, only 3 of our guys have Flatliners. Incase you don't know (Shame on you), Flatliners are full-auto paintball guns, capable of firing a damn near stream of paint at you. Red seems to have about 10 guys with the bastards.
And you know the really sad part? Sitting there, among all us BDU people, is a single korean kid, about 15, dressed in a shirt and jeans.
...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And no, it wasn't AzNSuNBoY. I guess stupidity is a Korean trait -.-
"Blue team,get ready!" a ref shouts out. Us blue people slowly get up, putting on our gear, as if we were all going to die. The game is being played on field Two. I hate field two. Yes, the shrubs and stuff are cool, but it's impossible to hit anyone through the branches. If you don't know what field Two looks like, then you shouldn't be reading this.
We get the north end of the field, which means that WE have the disadvantage. Go figure. Attacking the south bunker is suicide. Plain and simple.
BUT ENOUGH FROM ME. The game started, and we scatter like US troops in the Kaserine pass. Most of the team runs to the visible dirt path to the right, while me and three others take a route through the shrubs. Within seconds, we hear the cap-cap-cap noise of paintball guns. Lots of firing, but no one yelling out. We move up, crawling on our stomachs. The airman next to me seems to play alot, since he's giving out orders to the rest of us. I guess I'll trust him...
More gunfire erupts, and several consecutive "OUT!" yells are heard. 3 blue, 1 red. CRAP. Apparently, our airman can also go invisible, since a red dude laid down 3 feet from him. CAP.OUT. One less red to worry about. The game has been going on about 8 minutes now. I haven't hit a damn thing. Oh sure, I shot alot, but I can't hit anything with the branches sticking out.
One of our blue guys comes running over to us, sliding behind a tree for cover. "They're taking the flag! Our base is falling! We need to get their fla*capcapcap* OUCH! F*CKING BASTARD!" I look above the shrub cover, and see a red guy laughing. Two quick squeezes, and I hit him in the face mask. YAY! GO ME! Let's see here...about 120 paintballs to kill one guy! Damn i'm good.
"We gotta rush em!" another airman yells from our left. So we get up, and run closer to the bunker, rounds hitting all around us."GET DOWN!" someone yells. I dive to the ground, and feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What the hell? I look down, and there is a FRIGGING STICK IN MY WRIST. Atleast it didn't go far, so I pulled it out. Bloody,battered,and covered in dirt, I advance toward the red bunker.
But this bunker isn't just defended by normal players,oh no. They have four flatliners covering all sides of the base. "SHIT!" I hear some kid shout. The remaining 7 players from blue team are all firing at the bunker. Damn semi-auto paintballs don't go fast, so they have the time to duck down after firing short bursts. This would be a great time for a paint grenade.
I'm shooting anything that moves, and then my arm starts to sting. Really bad. Turns out the rest of red company(ooo, I like that name) has started to come back with our flag, killing all in their way. I got shot from 3 FEET AWAY. Ouch...
I walk off the field, holding my arm. AAHH, that hurts! Nothing a snickers can't fix. And a bag of chips.
So after a few minutes, the rest of blue teams walks off the field, yellow paint smeared all over their uniforms. Guess who won? Yup.Red...again.
That's it, I've had enough of this. The next game takes place on field one. *makes anime-style big smile*. I love field one! All the stuff to hide behind, and no brush! AND, the newly made alamo is perfect for luring newbies to their deaths.
"Red team, get ready!" I hear again. Since our last game, 5 new people joined red, and 1 for blue. "Is it just me, or do we seem a little...outnumbered?" some airman says. "Ya, just a little." another one answers back sarcastically.
We walk to the south end, which means we have to rush at the towers to get good sniping spots. While we wait for red team to get in position, someone noticed something on a branch. "Hey, a walking stick!" someone yelled. "Hey Kramer, wanna hold it?" that person says to a young airman."Get that thing away from me!"
"Come on, it's just a bug!"
"I Swear, if you touch me with that thing, I will shoot you in the god damn nuts!"
*backs away*
"BLUE TEAM,GO!" the ref yells. The little walking stick is thrown into a bush somewhere, and we run to the fort thingy. So far so good...and then I look at the tower, and see THE WHOLE F*CKING RED TEAM RUNNING TOWARD ME.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
...
So I run over to a wood obstacle-wall-thingy, and slide behind it. Which hurt my leg.
Alot. Ignoring the pain like Mark4 ignores a good idea, I pop up to see all of the red team in and around the fort and towers. Now usually, hiding in the tower is a good idea...until you realize that it means that EVERYONE ON THE FIELD can see you, and shoot at you. So the whole blue team shoots at the poor lil red guy in the tower, and another one in there with him opens up on us blue people with his flatliner. All you hear is a loud "BRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT"(And no, not a fart) followed by someone yelling "OW! F*CK!". Turned out he was shooting at me, and I ducked down to avoid fire. About 32917423987529835 paintballs hit the thingy infront of me, and I got paint splatter all over my BDU's. But luckily, none of em hit me. About 4 did hit, but didn't break-.-
That's what happens when sweatshop workers make paintballs.
I pop back up, firing a few rounds, which hit the tower guy. Just when it looks like we might be winning...
"SAFETY!", followed by an air horn. ASDFASDFASDFASDFASDF.
So we have to start over cause some guy pulled his mask off. Retard.
It goes like this for 3 more tries, until we end up getting the north end of Field 1.
We walk there,blah blah blah,etc.
As the horn sounds, we run to the pentagon thing. And we wait there. And wait. And wait. Me and 3 airmen sit there for about 10 minutes.
"This sucks. I'm leaving" one says. He walks out to go fight. And immeadiately dies.
Crap. "Hey,is anyone guarding the flag?" Someone next to me says. "No.." So we run back from the pentagon. The senior airman takes a wood bunker near a ditch next to me, and I get the one behind him. The other tsgt takes a spot next to a tower. We hear lots of gunfire, and several outs.
The game has been going on about 20 mins now, and us two people behind the wood bunkers decide to move up. We run to a bunch of trees, firing at an occasional red person. "Do you see em?" he asked. "No...I don't see anyone over...SHIT!" I yelled back. Paintballs hit all around us, and we run as fast as possible back to the bunkers. "What happened?" The tower dude asked. So we told him that we were surrounded by red people. So what do we do? Do we surrender? HELL NO. Like any good suicidal airforce-type people, we defend the base. Yup, three of us. Against 15 red.
Red guys advance toward us, and one shoots at me from some brush. The lucky bastard got a shot through the peek hole, and hit me in the arm. "OUT!" I yell out. That same red guy sneaks kills the tower guy, and sneaks up on the guy in the bunker. "SURRENDER!" he yells. It must have scared the crap outta poor blue guy, cause he makes a sudden move, and gets a point blank shot to the chest.
Ouch.
It like this the rest of the day. Blue team gets more people, red gets even more, blue dies, blah blah blah.
Ok, the Halloween hunt. What we all came for. At about 1830hrs(or "night night time" for you marines), we turn in our arm bands for large glow sticks that go around our necks. Two teams, blue and purple, are split up. It's pitch black; no light at all.
Now, if you've never been to Halloween hunt, here's how it goes: The barrier between fields 1 and 2 is taken down, esentially making one big-ass field. Purple gets the field two base, and blue gets the north base. But here's the thing...the teams start at the OTHER team's base, so they have to slug it out to get to their bases. This means more killing. All the better, I say.
Scattered around the fields are items to collect. Each of these items are worth points. Plastic pumpkins are worth 10, skulls are 20, cauldrons are 25, and the big-ass ghost it worth 50. The teams have to gather the items in their base, defend the stuff, and kill the other team.
The game is non-elimination, which means if you get shot, you simply sit out for 5 minutes. It's a two hour game, so that's not a big deal.
Anyway, by now, there are about 100 people here. 50 blue, 50 purple. Good, some equal competition. I get purple, along with a bunch of goofball airmen who like to make racist jokes and talk about sex.They're in the airforce, after all. There is ONE black guy on our team, and he plays off that for humor as much as possible.
"Why you gotta send me up first? This gonna be like operation human shield? Ya'll just sending me out cause I'm black."
"No, it's because you blend in with the night."
"Hey, don't insult me. I pick your cotton."
So when purple is called out, we go to the north end of field one. We're told it'll be about 15 minutes to hide the stuff, so most of us sit down. The airmen start amusing themselves, like someone trying to start "Koombaya"(or howerver you spell it). But most people didn't feel like singing, and threatened to shoot him. After 15 mins, we start out. I'm with a group of 5 others in a squad. And I'll tell you this: Our squad leader was like GOD out there. Seriously. I worship that man. He was a marine, and we went out as a hunting party. In the first 10 mins, our little squad capped about 20 blue people,without losing a single one of us. Wow. This guy is awesome. Eventually, all our goggles start to fog up. Really bad. I can't see a damn thing, and I trip over a tree stump. We all decide to go back to defog them, putting our barrel plugs in. "OUT! PLAYER OUT!" we all start yelling. There are several loud gunshots, and one of our guys says"OUT! DON'T SHOOT US GOD DAMNIT!"
After we defog,refill ammo, and load up on snickers, we go back to the field. By now, purple is kicking blue ass all over the place. Our little squad walks to our field two pentagon base, and we see a Sh*tload of items.Sweet. Hey, we might just win!
We're all on a quest for the big-ass ghost, and the big-ass point that go with it. Problem is, two people gotta stay behind to guard it all. And I get picked. Oh well, I don't have to deal with my goggles fogging up if I don't have to run. So we sit there, killing a blue guy here and there, and purple guys show up from time to time.
About an hour has passed, and our collection of items it getting REALLY big. But no ghost. We explain why we need more help to a few of them, and they agree to stay and help. I mean, if we get attacked by a sea of blue people, we're screwed like Zerg~Ling's battlereports-.-
I plainly remember one guy who talked about all his piercings. He said he even got his dick pierced.O...M...G. "Didn't it hurt when you got a hard-on?" someone asked. "Ya, it bled. I had to take it easy for a while. But it's fine now."
"What if you're having sex with your girlfriend? Wouldn't it tear her up?"
"No, there are other places to stick it."
"That's sick" I said
"What,haven't you ever had anal?" he says, which makes everyone laugh.
"I will shoot you in your god damn pierced nutsack if you say something like that again." I pointed my gun at him, and I really thought about shooting him.
About one hour and fourty mintues has gone by, and guess who shows up? Yup, Mr. Godly Marine. With the ghost. YES. I LOVE THIS MAN. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABY.
...Ok, so maybe not, but you get the point. We all wait for the time to go by... and then..
"GAME OVER!" the ref yells with the siren blaring. A loud "YA!" erupts from us all, and most of us fire our guns into the air in victory. And then we run. Because they had to come back down sooner or later.
After we turn in our gear,guns,etc., the ref says."I have the game scores! Blue team...50 points. Purple team..." there's an ominous silence. "385 POINTS!"
"YES!" they all shout. Blue team walks off ashamed,beaten, and battered. We won! My team ACTUALLY WON.
Phew. That was that. Stopped by sonic for burgers on the way home, plopped down on the couch, and fell asleep.
Lessons Learned
1) Koreans suck at Paintball.
2) I love squad leaders. Even if they are marines.
3) Paintball is the greatest game ever.
4) Never underestimate the power of a powerade and a snickers.
5) Playing in the dark is better than daylight.
6)Walking sticks are cool.
By the way, I'm sure you're probably all wonder what happened to the poor little korean dude...well, he left an hour after he got there. He walked off the field,crying, with EXACTLY 38 paintball splats on him. Poor bastard.
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